


Time to Say It

by SaiVega



Series: Say It Series [2]
Category: Shaman King (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BL, Boys Love - Freeform, Explicit Language, M/M, Sequel, Sex, Slow Burn, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-12-27 03:29:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 79,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18295934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaiVega/pseuds/SaiVega
Summary: Oversoul, a world-famous band, recently got back in touch with a member they almost lost forever. An ugly twist of fate brought two forsaken hearts the second chance that was thought to never come. Can they get past their pride and fear, and finally say it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is old too, but something I'm still pretty proud of. It's a sequel to "Hard to Say" so if you haven't already, please read that first. Much longer and better written, touching up on issues that everyone obviously didn't get a chance to address in the first series, so I hope you enjoy!

Eyelids lifted and the first thing that came in sight of a pair of brilliant golden orbs was the clock on the bedside table. Ren read the digital numbers and rolled from his side to his back, not exactly getting up. He didn't have to yet, there was still some time before he had to leave. He sighed to himself just at the thought of where...or rather say whom he had to go to. Though he was willful, it was getting harder for him. Ren's recently noticed how much he thinks about him. Like now, he's the first thing that occurs to him in the morning, and he knows he thinks about him before he sleeps even though he may not always remember what his thoughts were.

 

He reluctantly climbed out of bed, seeing no point to just lying there and wasting time.

 

Ren stood below the showerhead and closed his eyes to the soothing warmth running down his slender form. Three weeks have passed since Oversoul began seeing Horohoro in his coma at the hospital. They were on a break for a while before the band got busy again, so that wasn't really a problem. But they weren't certain of when he will wake.

 

Ren reopened his eyes and felt anxiety gnaw at him like thorns. Horohoro's nothing like how the Chinese knew few years ago but the doctor already confirmed two weeks ago that he'll be ok. He was willful on waiting for the bluenette and being there when he awoke...at first. But the more he saw him, the more he began to have other thoughts. It's not that he didn't want to be there, he was still fully intent on that as much as he was in the beginning. But lately he's been thinking...isn't he the one who put Horohoro there in the first place?

 

Ren bit down on his lip and his hands squeezed to tight fists. He already knows he's the reason Horohoro left Oversoul. The Ainu made that obvious with his attitude directed solely to him and no one else in the band. The vocalist let him go as if he didn't care without even trying to find out what was wrong in the end. And here he was, saying he will be there for him as if they were the closest friends. Isn't he just taking everything in his own convenience too much? Although he's known Horohoro for years, he's just realized what an important friend he was two weeks ago.

 

_No, I've always known. I just forgot._

 

Ren's fists shook in frustration as he mentally corrected himself. But how do you forget such a thing? Was he that neglectful, so passive?

 

He turned off the shower as if to also stop his train of thoughts, and stepped out to change.

 

-X-X-X-X-X-

 

Yoh arrived at Ren's house about an hour later. Since the band finished their tour they've been visiting Horohoro from their homes for the past two weeks. Usually Yoh picked them up with his car with Ren being last, but today the other two members weren't with the brunette.

 

"Where's Manta and Faust?" Ren asked as he stepped into the passenger's seat.

 

"They said they'll buy lunch on the way so they're coming later." Ren nodded to Yoh's response and the guitarist started his car.

 

-X-X-X-X-X-

 

"I'm going to the bathroom real quick." Yoh stood from his chair and said over his shoulder before going out the door. He left the room when Ren nodded in response, leaving his friend alone with Horohoro. Ren sighed to himself when the door closed as he kept his melancholic gaze on the Ainu in front of him. It's strange how difficult it has gotten to just watch him compared to the beginning when he was so determined on waiting. It pained him to see him look so frail. But more than that, it was the distance that hurt.

 

Horohoro was so close, Ren would be able to touch him if he just reached out. And yet...he seemed so far away. The younger male couldn't deny that there always seemed to be a line between them, the kind of line marked by an invisible wall. They were friends but it was an awkward friendship if you really thought about it. They didn't really get along from day one and they argued almost everyday, many times for the smallest and forgettable things. Yet they were routine bedmates with a non-intimate, lust fulfilling basis. He thought Horohoro was fine with that. He thought they both felt it was the best they can bring out of each other. He thought that's why they never crossed the line because keeping the distance was like keeping a balance. He apparently thought wrong.

 

He hadn't the slightest idea that it would self-destruct.

 

And the trigger was none other than Ren himself. Maybe Horohoro got tired of all the fights. Maybe he got sick of being with the younger male...Maybe he grew to hate him. If that's so...

 

"What good is it if he wakes up to see me?" Ren's expression clouded as he cowered to his own words.

 

"Horohoro..." He whispered solemnly and reached out a hesitating hand. It shyed away at a two-inch distance, as if in fear but tried again.

 

"Horohoro..." He called out again a little louder as he touched the pale skin and stroked the soft cheek with his knuckles.

 

"Horohoro..." He murmured and the name melted into the walls of the silent room.

 

But then Ren pulled his hand away quickly upon reflex and held his breath, thinking for a second he saw a twitch. But he immediately banished the thought when he confirmed there wasn't even a stir. He closed his amber eyes and breathed deeply. The silence crushed him beneath his skin as if to remind him just how unstable he was within. He bit down on his lip in frustrated disappointment, not wanting to be a fool to some false hope again. After stressing that to his mind he reopened his golden eyes.

 

Only this time it felt like his heart could rip out of his rib cage. Ren's eyes widened while his voice got stuck at the back of his throat in absolute shock. He sat motionlessly in his seat as the lids gave way for two obsidian eyes to shine in the light. Horohoro blinked a few times and squinted a little to the sudden brightness of the white room. He then turned his head to Ren's way, midnight meeting gold.

 

"Ren...?" The bluenette uttered quietly in an airy, uncertain whisper. It took Ren a few moments to collect enough of himself for his mind to understand exactly what just happened.

 

"Yeah, it's me. And it's about time you woke up, baka Horo." Despite the crude words Ren used, he couldn't hold back the waver in his relieved voice. But more than that, he couldn't believe what Horohoro did.

 

He smiled. It was small and weak, but it was there.


	2. Chapter 2

_It's about time!_

 

Tao Ren stepped out of Yoh's car from the back and slammed the door shut, his frowned lips tight and his eyes narrowed to gold slits behind his sunglasses. After him followed Faust also from the back, Manta from the passenger's seat, and Yoh himself from the driver's seat. Once Yoh locked the door, they were off towards their destination; the hospital. Ren walked a few steps ahead of everyone else, his brisk but firm pace showing how irritated he was. The car trip took longer than expected since Yoh went to everyone's house with his car and their homes were rather scattered, plus there was traffic. The Tao hated his time wasted, especially today. Because today they were going to see Horohoro awake from his coma. He awoke yesterday but when he realized why he was in the hospital in the first place, it was like the scars they couldn't see have surfaced. Ren could still remember how fast the Ainu's face drained of color as the back of his teeth chattered with his trembling body. It didn't take much more for his friends to figure out that his head was flooding with the memory of the incident. He calmed down after a few minutes but his doctor suggested he still take a rest for the day from visits. The band agreed that the bluenette may be in no condition emotionally so they decided to return the next day, which is today.

 

The four reached Horohoro's room but found there was already another visitor. In front of the closed door stood an officer who didn't move even when Ren came before him and looked him straight in the eyes.

 

"Um...is something wrong?" Manta piped up before Ren could say something to pick a fight with the officer.

 

"Mr. Usui is just under questioning. It's not planned to take long, so if you will please wait a few moments." The group nodded and remained in the hall. Ren mumbled something under his breath and it's either the officer didn't hear him, or he was just ignoring it. They waited for a little over five minutes when the door opened.

 

"Thank you, sir." The second officer said behind him as he exited the room. The four went in after him, greeted by the bluenette sitting up in his bed. He looked up and smiled when he saw them come in, but they could see his eyes weren't smiling so much. Nevertheless, they smiled back.

 

"'Hey, how you feel?" Yoh was the first to speak up.

 

"I'm doin' alright. Still a little sore in a few places though."

 

"What were the police here for?" Manta asked, seeming a little worried about the earlier visitors.

 

"It was nothing, they just needed to show me pictures for confirmation. And I had to explain...what happened." All four noticed the falter in Horohoro's voice, and an uncomfortable silence was about to descend into the room. But then a few knocks sounded from the door and Horohoro's doctor walked in, followed by a nurse. They smiled politely at the guests before turning to Horohoro.

 

"I'm sorry while you have visitors, but we're gonna have to check up on your stitches." Horohoro nodded and the nurse closed the curtains around the bed to separate them from everyone else during the procedure. However, she didn't notice that she left a small space between the two curtains open, just enough for Ren to get a clear view of Horohoro from where he stood. He shifted his eyes away as the bandages were being unwrapped from the Ainu's chest. But then he made what was supposed to be just a swift glance. Instead his golden gaze froze along with his heart.

 

Horohoro's chest was decorated with scratches, and if looked more carefully, there were a few bite marks imprinted with the red lines. But what stood out the most and appalled Ren was the long line of stitches across the Ainu's right chest. It seemed the rapists more like tried to slice than stab. The parted flesh was attached but none has grown over the strings so it still seemed a bit fresh, especially with the other minor scars accompanying it. Ren was so petrified by the site that before he knew it, the bandage from above the Ainu's stomach was being removed. Revealed was another line of stitches, not quite as long as the first, about two and a half inches above the navel. There were bruises of purple and blue blotched around the cut, making it look all the more distressing. The stitches twitched with the muscles upon the touch of medication dabbed with cotton, making Ren feel his own stomach flip. Horohoro then turned around where two scars on his back came into view. One was on the left close to the waist, the other on the right side about an inch below the waist. And here, there were a few scabs and scraped skin like the rest of the bluenette's body. By now Ren has seen more than enough and he lowered his eyes to the ground. His body shook a little in utter shock and something was stuck in his throat, too much for him to swallow down. The doctor and nurse stepped out when the curtains opened again.

 

"It'll take about three more months for him to heal. Until then I advice he take complete rest." The men nodded and thanked the doctor as he left with the nurse. Ren peered at Horohoro from the corner of his eye where the bluenette sat calmly in his bed. His brows frowned as he wondered how he can just sit there like there was perfectly fine skin below the new bandages.

 

_Why didn't you stop him?_

 

Ren's amber eyes widened slightly at the sudden reminiscence. He couldn't stay in the room anymore, feeling like he can suffocate, and stepped up to the door.

 

"Where're you going?" Horohoro asked but Ren didn't even turn back, unable to look at him.

 

"Gonna get a drink." He muttered quietly and closed the door behind him.

 

-X-X-X-X-X-

 

Ren drank half the milk in the small carton, which he bought from the vending machine and let out a long breath of relief. He dropped down on the empty bench in the hall and put a hand to his heart, feeling it's beating was calming. He's seen blood and scars before, he used to see worse from himself and others. He's never thought so much of it though, let alone get so rattled from a few stitches. But this wasn't himself or someone he didn't give a damn about. Ren clamped his eyes shut but could still see those wounds on Horohoro.

 

_I did that._ He thought bitterly and clenched his teeth. He knew very well that this could have been prevented. Days before Horohoro even left, he noticed something different about the bluenette. That wasn't towards everyone in the band, it was soley directed at Ren. The vocalist knew that, he was able to tell that it only had something to do with him. He knew something wasn't right. Yet he did nothing, he ignored it.

 

_I did this to him! If I'd at least stopped him..._ Ren put his head in his hands, unable to get the image of Horohoro's wounds out of his mind. But he also couldn't help but wonder...could he really have stopped him? As far as Ren could remember, all he and the Ainu did was get pissed at each other. It's been that way since day one. It's more than likely that Ren was the reason Horohoro left, so what could he have done to keep him from leaving? Especially when Yoh even failed to. Yoh and Horohoro at least had decent conversations. They could at least tell each other anything and count on each other. And yet Yoh couldn't keep the bluenette from leaving. That was enough proof, Ren couldn't see what made Yoh think he could have done anything.

 

_But he at least tried._ Ren sighed at this other truth. Yoh at least tried to bring Horohoro back, he did what he could even if he failed. And Ren, he just...he just got angry.

 

"Shit." Ren cursed under his breath and leaned his head back to see the ceiling. He didn't want to go back, but he couldn't stay here forever. So he reluctantly stood and walked off, leaving his remaining milk on the bench.

 

-X-X-X-X-X-

 

The room was already filled with conversing voices when Ren returned. Horohoro was observing some of the letters he received from fans, smiling softly as he read them. Without a word, Ren entered the room, seeming to drift in a sort of a ghastly way. Horohoro was first to notice him but the moment he saw the younger male's face, he couldn't say anything. Yoh then saw the slight change in the bluenette and looked to where his eyes were focused on. He then glanced back at Horohoro who was looking down at his letters again, but he could tell he couldn't get back into reading them. Seeing the state of the two, the guitarist let out a quiet sigh and stood from his seat.

 

"Hey Ren, I'll give you a ride home. You're not looking too good." The said male looked up with his mouth open, ready to retort he was fine. But then he closed his lips and looked away to the ground. Because the moment his eyes met with Yoh's, he saw he'd just be wasting his breath. The guitarist sees his distress and there was no use lying about it. And it seemed to convince everyone that Yoh was right without Ren denying his indication.

 

"I'll just take him home since we came with my car, and come right back." Yoh said with his usual laid back smile and went out the door with Ren following.

 

Yoh didn't say a word to Ren once they were out of the room. He knew there was nothing needed to say or ask, so the two just walked alongside each other in silence. Ren was thankful really, that the brunette got him out of there from his lively friends. The space within the walls was warm and he didn't want to break that, but he couldn't blend in either.

 

-X-X-X-X-X-

 

When Yoh and Ren left, Horohoro was back to talking with his two remaining friends. Manta especially had a lot to talk about, seeing it's been about a year since they last saw each other. The Ainu was just as excited and happy to see them as well. But as he chatted on with Manta and Faust, he was in a sunken spirit at heart.

 

Horohoro saw the look on Ren's face when he returned from his drink outside. He wasn't feeling sick like Yoh said, he just didn't want to be there where the bluenette was. He knew because he's already noticed the Chinese hasn't spoken to him since they arrived, or even looked at him. And that look on his face, like his mind was dwelling on wretchedness, that just tops it off. Horohoro knew that if Ren was really sick at all, he was sick of his ex-drummer...Not that he could blame him.

 

_He has every right to hate me._

 

-X-X-X-X-X-

 

Ren watched the view outside the window of Yoh's car, neither of them still not having said a word. In a way, Yoh was right. Ren was feeling sick. Sick of himself. Sick with self-spite. He just couldn't stay in that room with Horohoro being there, especially after seeing what he saw. He couldn't even look at him, afraid of how the Ainu might look back. Afraid that if their eyes met, he'll see the same spite the Chinese feels towards himself. And what was he suppose to say to him? Ren was after all, the reason Horohoro left. They separated for nearly a year in bad terms. What could they possibly talk about? As far as Ren knew, he's practically the one who gave Horohoro those scars and stitches, and put him in that hospital bed. He was the one to blame for everything.

 

_He has every right to hate me._


	3. Chapter 3

Oversoul only had three weeks left in their break, and they were more than happy to use it on visiting Horohoro at the hospital. Ren of course came along, and he never made another retreat like the first again. That would just be far too irrational. But though he was able to show his face, he still couldn't find any words to say to Horohoro. This was the same for the bluenette towards Ren. They couldn't make any conversations, let alone a decent one. And sometimes when they're eyes met, both would immediately avert their gaze. Such awkwardness continued for three weeks until the band was off break and busy again. That didn't leave Horohoro totally alone though. He had other friends besides Oversoul and they visited him every now and then when they heard he had awoken. When he was alone he kept himself busy with writing replies to his fan letters. So really, it wasn't all bad with all the occupation.

 

But then he'd sometimes hear Oversoul on the radio or see them on TV, and be brought to a sense of aching emotion each time. But despite how heavy-hearted he may get, along with missing Ren, he kept telling himself that it was better this way. That it was better than making Ren feel so unpleasant just by being in the same room. Really though, it was rather depressing either way.

 

Horohoro's three months eventually passed and it was time for his release. He gathered his things and called a taxi in the morning, and was back in his house before noon. Once he put his things away he lie down on his couch and welcomed the familiarity of his home. Having been in a hospital ward for three months, he was anxious to take himself somewhere. But it seemed there's just no place like home.

 

"Even though I'm leaving again..." The Ainu murmured to himself as he stared at the ceiling. He was about to close his eyes when the phone's ringing reached his ears. Still lying on his back he picked it up from the table.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Horohoro?" The said male blinked to the voice, recognizing it right away.

 

"Yoh?"

 

"Yeah, it's me. This is Horohoro, right?"

 

"Well yea, it's my house. What's wrong? You sounded like you wasn't expecting me."

 

"No, it's nothing. Did you leave the hospital today?"

 

"Yup, just got home. So what's up?"

 

"Just called 'cause I realized it's been three months. Are you busy tomorrow?"

 

"Don't think so. Why?"

 

"Well we don't have work tomorrow, so we're off and hanging out at my place...You wanna come too?" Horohoro's eyes slightly widened, looking confused as if something just popped in the room. There was a long pause between the two, both sides of the phone soundless like there wasn't even a call to begin with. Horohoro still had the phone to his ear but was totally dumbfounded and lost for words. Yoh waited patiently for a reply but judging from the ongoing silence, he decided to go on.

 

"Horohoro?"

 

"Y-Yeah, sorry."

 

"No, it's alright. Just come over if you want, ok?" Yoh's tone was neither expectant nor pressuring, like his relaxed smile could be heard through his voice. He knew how sudden his invitation was. And he knew that what had stricken Horohoro was that the band will be there. That _he_ will be there.

 

"Um, yeah...sure...thanks." Horohoro replied with a voice hesitant and swaying with uncertainty.

 

"Alright then, bye." Nonetheless Yoh spoke back like he didn't notice and they both hung up.

 

-THE NEXT DAY-

 

Yoh's house wasn't so far now, it was clear in view as a matter of fact. Horohoro brought himself to ride the bus and carry his feet there. Of how though, not even he himself knew, especially when he was so unsure. But now his hands are shoved into his pockets and he's watching his unmoving feet. He heaved a sigh in aggravation to his uneasiness. Maybe he should have at least kept in touch with his friends, or else it might not be so hard. But then again, he wasn't sure if he could have after what's happened.

 

"Horohoro?" The Ainu turned around to where he was called.

 

"Hey Manta." He said to the manager and smiled to hide how shaken he felt. Manta smiled back obliviously and walked up to the bluenette.

 

"Are you going to Yoh's?"

 

"Uh...yeah, was just on my way."

 

"Cool, me too." Horohoro chuckled to the coincidence and his luck. _No turning back now_ , he thought to himself as he walked alongside Manta with a bitter smile. They reached the house's garage entrance where inside Yoh, Faust and Ren were lounging around. They looked up when they noticed the new arrival and for a moment, Horohoro considered retreat. That was, until Yoh smiled warmly at him, his chocolate eyes showing how glad he was that the bluenette came. Horohoro relaxed a little to that smile and smiled back.

 

"Hey." The Ainu greeted shyly and walked in with Manta.

 

"Hey, glad you came."

 

"Yeah well, just thought I'll pay a visit. It's been a while." Horohoro sat himself down on the old couch next to Faust, not noticing the way Ren watched his every move from the corner of his eye.

 

"A _long_ while." Horohoro chuckled to Manta's comment and scanned the garage. Along with the old furniture they sat on, there was a lot in there, which even included a moose head propped up on the wall. It wasn't neat to say the least, but somewhat organized to an extent. But most of all it was comfortable, rather cozy really. It had a sort of a welcoming feeling like it reflected Yoh's mellow personality that can make anyone feel at home.

 

"Hasn't changed much, has it?" The Ainu said, seeing the place is just like how he remembers.

 

"But it has been a long time since all five of us got together here." Faust pointed out thoughtfully, his lips smiling a little to the reunion.

 

"Yeah, it's like old times." Manta added, further emphasizing the nostalgia. Back when Horohoro was still in Oversoul they always gathered at Yoh's garage to hangout and rehearse, even before they made their major debut. Yoh then suddenly sat up like he was struck with something.

 

"Why don't we play something?"

 

"What?"

 

"We're all here, we can play a song or two." Faust and Manta seemed up for Yoh's suggestion but Horohoro was looking hesitant. It's not that he didn't want to, he'd actually like to go with the idea. But he didn't know if it's really ok and that concern was really about Ren. The Chinese held an indifferent expression, neither opposing nor approving. It was impossible to read his face and Horohoro didn't know how to take it.

 

"Um...I don't have my sticks with me." It was an excuse, but it was also true. Yet that didn't seem to discourage Yoh at all. He walked over to a shelf, and despite how unorganized it looked he didn't seem to have any trouble. He apparently found exactly what he wanted in a can full of pens. He pulled something out and approached Horohoro again. The bluenette's eyes widened at what his friend held in front of him.

 

"Remember those extra sticks you always kept here?" Horohoro nodded to Yoh's question, the realization in his eyes bringing a knowing smile to the guitarist's face as he continued.

 

"Well, you never took 'em home. So how 'bout it, like old times?" Horohoro's lips tugged to a smile as he nodded and took the sticks from Yoh. The fact that Yoh remembered and kept something that even Horohoro forgot about lightened the heart of the Ainu. And all this time too. Yoh made his laid back grin to the Ainu's response and the band got their instruments ready. Yoh also had a drum set in his garage since they always rehearsed there. It was great to know someone was going to use it again.

 

Horohoro sat behind the instrument and licked his lip nervously, having been so long as over a year. Faust and Yoh began strumming a few tunes, giving the bluenette a sense of familiarity he hasn't felt for a long time. He didn't miss his cue and joined in when it came, and it was complete once Ren began to sing. At that moment of completion Horohoro felt himself get lifted in the music. At first he was just taking in the all-too-familiar feel, little by little like feeding his soul, one song after another. But at some point, during which song he didn't know, he was overwhelmed by the whole sensation and was taken over. He's been deprived from this for far too long and he let himself get lost in it, just like it did years ago. It was like being back to those times he once left behind.

 

Eventually they came to an end and they sat around again. Yoh got everyone sodas and they all went into a series of lively conversations. They joked and spoke of amusing stories, and even went into some memories of Oversoul. The room filled with laughter and the fun moment they all missed. One subject following another, the relation of them not mattering. It just went on.

 

At the end of the day Faust left to go home, and about an hour later Manta also left. Few minutes after that, Yoh went inside for the restroom. That left Horohoro and Ren together in the garage, and it suddenly seemed too quiet. Neither of them spoke, Horohoro lying on the couch and fiddling with his sticks, and Ren sat cross-legged on a chair with a notebook and pencil in hand. Horohoro stole a few glances from the corner of his eye, as if the smaller male might have said something. But he knew he didn't before he even looked. He was afraid they'd be left alone like this. He's actually noticed from the beginning that Ren hasn't spoken since the Ainu came. He'd respond if spoken to directly and answers questions, but never actually made a conversation or even engage in any. Of course Horohoro knew that Ren was the quieter one of them all but today it was like the Chinese was excluding himself while he sat with them. And the bluenette could only think of himself as the source. He wished Ren would at least say something, though. He'd even fight if that were what it took to talk. He also had thought that maybe he just had to start a conversation. But what if this was Ren's way of letting him know that they had nothing to talk about?

 

Horohoro stole another nervous glance. Ren just sat there with his blank notebook and pencil, perhaps trying to brew up a new song. The silence was suffocating and the bluenette stressed a sigh. The sight of the stoic male was frustrating. He could at least look at him! It's like the Ainu wasn't even there, like he was less than air. Air is unnoticed, but at least necessary.

 

"When Yoh gets back, tell him I'm gone too." Horohoro stood from the couch he was lying on and looked at Ren. The vocalist looked back, and the two made eye contact for the first time that day. But he simply gave a nods and was back to his notebook, which was still blank. Horohoro gave another sigh and he was out. Not long after he left, Yoh returned with a box of doughnuts and found Ren being the only one there.

 

"Where's Horohoro?"

 

"He went home." Ren bluntly said and finally set the notebook to the side, giving up to coming up with a new song today. Yoh answered with an "oh" and lied down on the couch as he began to eat one of the doughnuts.

 

"Today was fun, huh?" The brunette began and turned his head to Ren.

 

"Sure" The vocalist replied absentmindedly as he watched the floor.

 

"Haven't seen him play the drums for a long time."

 

"...Yeah." The two went silent after that, though Ren wasn't really paying attention to begin with. If truth be said, he was bothered by the fact that he still couldn't get himself to speak to Horohoro. He just couldn't do it so easily like everyone else, especially when it seemed like Horohoro didn't want to exchange any words with him either. And just when he finally got to look him in the eyes, he felt like that obsidian gaze would bore a hole through him.

 

Ren continued to wallow in his silent thoughts, unaware of Yoh watching him. The brunette's mentioning of Horohoro playing drums was rather intentional. He saw the glances Ren made when they were all playing. Just like when Horohoro was still in the band, the vocalist was careful to not get caught by him but the guitarist always saw it. He knew it was more like a habit to the Chinese. The fact is Ren loved seeing Horohoro play the drums. The way he seemed to have so much fun doing what he loved, the way he got so deep into it. It's not just that he was an incredible drummer with skills but he devoted his spirit into it. Ren could see that and he especially saw him shine when they performed live. Ren may have never said it but Yoh knew that's how he felt, otherwise he wouldn't make all of those small, tedious glimpses. And what made it seem all the more special to Ren was that it comes from someone special to the Chinese.

 

"Hey, Ren?" Yoh suddenly spoke up quietly and Ren responded with a hum.

 

"You wanna bring Horohoro back into Oversoul?" Ren looked at Yoh who was still lying on his back with his arms folded at the back of his head, eyes fixated on the ceiling. After a long pause, Ren returned his own golden orbs to the floor and spoke.

 

"He left by choice with his own reasons."

 

"You don't even know those reasons, do you?" Ren scowled at Yoh but couldn't say anything to him as if the question had cut his throat. Assuming that he won't get a response, the brunette continued again.

 

"What if he wants to come back?" This time Yoh turned his head from the ceiling to Ren, his unwavering expression showing how serious he was. Ren only looked back at him for a few seconds, then stood without looking back as he responded.

 

"That's not something for us to say for him, is it?" With that he walked away to the mouth of the garage and was gone before Yoh could say anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

A day like the one spent in Yoh's garage with Horohoro didn't come very often. Being one of the most popular bands in the world, their schedules are usually packed year round, on stage or not. A day off was rare because it's merely an unscheduled day, which came out of sheer luck. After Horohoro's visit, Oversoul was driven with work again for a full month. They were quite lucky though, because they got three days off in that time period. And each time, just like the first, Yoh invited Horohoro to hang out with them. The Ainu never declined, and despite their one-year separation, they had fun like they used to when he was still in the band. They didn't just stay at Yoh's house but they sometimes went out too. However, those fun-filled four days were exactly what made Yoh feel the need for Horohoro's return to Oversoul all the more. The bluenette's presence brought a sense of completion within the group. Behind all the fun, while he was unaware of the silent friction going on between Ren and the bluenette, Yoh pondered about bringing Horohoro back into Oversoul.

 

One night the guitarist decided to visit a bar by the name of ‘Kingston’. Upon entering the small room dimmed with sepia lights, he noticed the tables were empty of customers and there was only one bar tender behind the counter. But this is how it usually was, part of why he liked it because there was no one to bother him and the quiet music made the atmosphere all the more relaxing. But then, Yoh stopped short in his tracks.

 

"Horohoro?" The azure haired male looked up over to the brunette, looking just as surprised as his friend. They greeted each other with smiles and Yoh sat himself next to Horohoro at the counter as he ordered a drink.

 

"You come here often?" Horohoro asked and took a sip out of his own glass.

 

"Just sometimes. At least when I have the time." Horohoro chuckled, totally understanding since he used to be part of Oversoul too.

 

"So still popular as ever even after I left." He commented jokingly, not noticing the way Yoh watched him thoughtfully as he took another sip.

 

"Hehehe, yea...So...where'd you go after you left us, Horohoro?" For a moment Horohoro froze with the rim of his glass still at his lips. He slowly placed it back down on the counter, but didn't even move his head slightly to look at Yoh even though he could feel the brunette's gaze.

 

"What'd you mean?" He finally said, trying to evade the question even though he knew he couldn't. Yoh’s been wanting to ask this for quite some time, really. He turned back to the counter and spun the glimmering ice in his glass a he spoke again in a lower tone.

 

"Where'd you go?"

 

"I went home."

 

"No, you didn't." Yoh answered quite sharply making Horohoro look at him a little alarmed. But the way Yoh looked back was more sad than harsh.

 

"I called you the day after you left but you never answered. I called your cell but it was turned off. I went to your house, but you weren't there. And it's not just that day. I kept calling you, both house and cell, and I kept going to your house. But you never answered, your cell was always off, and you was _never_ home!" Horohor stared back at Yoh's hurt eyes, speechless to the brunette's story. Yoh continued more calmly with the anger still in his voice.

 

"I eventually gave up after a month, assuming you moved or something. So don't tell me you went home because I know very damn well that you didn't. So please just give me an honest answer to the fucking question. Where did you go?" Horohoro swallowed hard nervously from seeing a side of Yoh that rarely showed. But he knew it shows because of how much the guitarist cares. He looked down at the counter and took a breath as if he had to be careful with his words. But he couldn't change what he had to say.

 

"I went home...to Hokkaido." Yoh's eyes widened to the last part.

 

"What?"

 

"I went back to Hokkaido after I left Oversoul because I couldn't stay in Boston. I just...had to get away."

 

"Oh...," was all Yoh could get out of himself to Horohoro's confession. The Ainu couldn't even look at him, unsure if he was relieved or if he wanted to hurl. Yoh's face softened, realizing how much he reproached his friend.

 

"Horo, I'm sorry..."

 

"No, don't be. It's my fault for just leaving like that."

 

"...But you came back."

 

"I'm not staying." Horohoro countered and the flicker of hope in Yoh's eyes was replaced by a confused frown.

 

"What?"

 

"I'm not staying." Horohoro repeated with a sigh, still staring at his glass on the counter.

 

"Wait, what'd you mean?"

 

"I'm gonna stay a little longer. But eventually I'll move back to Hokkaido."

 

"You can't."

 

"I told you, I _can't_ stay!"

 

"But...isn't that a little extreme?" Horohoro shrugged to Yoh's question, no longer seeming so nervous. In fact, he looked more like he's given up, his obsidian eyes tired and lacking spirit. Yoh then came to a realization, probably because he's the only one who could ever understand.

 

"He means that much to you?" Horohoro's fingers around his glass flinched just a little and his eyes saddened even more. Yet despite himself he forced a smile, one that almost looked sarcastic, like the greatest irony had fallen upon him. He closed his eyes and shook his head, an empty chuckle escaping his lips.

 

"I'm surprised too." He said truthfully, failing to hide the pain in his voice. Yoh knew that pain, he had been there too. But not anymore...and probably never as deep as Horohoro.

 

"Then...why not come back?" Horohoro shot a glance at Yoh, wondering if the guitarist meant what he thinks he meant.

 

"What?"

 

"Come back to us, Horohoro. Come back to Oversoul." The bluenette slightly furrowed his brows as he stared at Yoh and saw how serious he was. He swallowed hard on the words and took time to find his own. The awkward silence was deafening but he soon opened his mouth and slowly shook his head.

 

"Yoh, I...I can't. It's just way too late."

 

"No, it's not. We need you back, Horohoro." The blue haired male smiled sadly to those words. This was not only all too sudden and most unexpected, it was even confusing. Why now? Was it because this was all Yoh could think of to keep him from going away to his homeland?

 

"I appreciate it, I really do. But I just can't go back, Yoh." The Ainu looked back down at his glass, and though Yoh could see how bewildered he looked, his answer was firm. The bluenette kept his eyes on his nearly empty glass, not willing to meet Yoh's disappointed gaze. They were silent for a few minutes, and Horohoro hoped that the subject would discipitate in the emptiness of the room.

 

"...He needs you." Yoh's soft and almost hesitant voice shattered the silence and the Ainu's hope. A flash of hurt surfaced in Horohoro's eyes but only for a moment. The corner of his lips tugged to a bitter smirk. He shook his head with a scoff, almost mockingly, as if Yoh had said something in total ridicule. He remembers the last time his friend had said the same thing. The last time he tried to stop him from leaving.

 

"Come on Yoh, even I know that's not true."

 

"Why do you think that?"

 

"Because I know it, alright!?" Horohoro's voice got so loud that he was practically yelling at Yoh. When he realized his behavior, he shut his mouth to an embarrassed frown and ran a hand through his azure hair.

 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snap like that. It's just...the way Ren's been. He hasn't spoken to me since I woke up at the hospital. He won't do so much as complain for pick a fight. And it's the same fucking thing when I go to your house. He won't talk to me, he won't even look at me." Horohoro's voice went uneven and he finally looked up from the counter to Yoh, revealing his glazed over obsidian eyes.

 

"He hates me, Yoh. And he doesn't want me around."

 

"That's not true."

 

"Yes it is! He hates me! And... and that's worse than what I left behind. That's why I can't go back!"

 

"Look, Horo..."

 

"I'm not going back." Horohoro cut Yoh off with a sharp tone, letting him know that was final. Yoh sighed at his response and made a hopeless frown, seeing that his efforts will only go down the drain.

 

"You know, Ren might not be the only one being difficult." Yoh sounded slightly irritated and received a questioning look from Horohoro, as if the bluenette was asking him what he means. Yoh returned it with a knowing gaze, as if all fingers were pointing at the Ainu. Horohoro looked at him defiantly like the brunette had said something offensive. No more words were exchanged by the two as Yoh pulled out his wallet and placed some money on the counter. He then stood from his seat and left the bar.


	5. Chapter 5

Oversoul had been busy with work non-stop for two months again. When a day off had finally come, Yoh called Horohoro to see if he wanted to hang out with them again, though he was very hesitant on account of their last encounter. But the bluenette declined the invitation. It was more than a hint to Yoh that having the last conversation with his friend at Kingston had been a bad one. Though he and his friends haven't said much about Horohoro not being there, the guitarist could tell they were concerned. He couldn't tell them why the bluenette was missing because of his lack of courage to show his face if he did, especially when it seemed like things had been going so well.

 

And awkward air was left lingering in the place of Horohoro's absence. The group knew it was because of the sense of completion he brought during his occasional returns. They all shared that opinion, or rather say fact, but no one dared to even bring up his name as if it were a taboo. But some things couldn't be ignored, no matter how much they were avoided.

 

"I kinda miss Horohoro." Manta's words were laced with sincere disappointment, the manager unable to keep it in any longer. Faust and Yoh, who were strumming random tunes, stopped their hands. Ren sat on a couch with his notebook in front of him rested against his huddled legs. He held his pencil but it didn't move, due to lack of inspiration and concentration. And the last of whatever concentration he had left was blown away at the mentioning of the certain name. He let out an irritated sigh and put his pencil down, then eyed Manta carefully with a piercing gaze.

 

"Do you expect him to be here everyday or something?" His tone was harsher than everyone would have expected.

 

"In case you forgot, he's not Oversoul's member anymore. In addition, we never once saw him for about a year after he left. Has it _ever_ occurred to you that he might have his own life by now? One far out of the band?" Ren raised a brow, not bothering to tone down the severity in each word. And in response, Manta frowned and his eyes glared fire. Ren was about to shoot daggers himself, but then stopped when he saw the hurt in the manager's eyes. He ran a hand through his fine purple hair and looked away from him guiltily. He believed every word he just said to him but it still left a bitter taste in his mouth. He knew Horohoro was suppose to be gone but his absence still bothered him just as much as his friends. It actually hurt to say what he just said, but he knew he had to say it and accept it too, no matter how much it stressed him. But he knew Manta didn't deserve the lashing and he spoke again trying not to raise his tone.

 

"We don't know what he's doing with his life now."

 

"I know...but I was just saying."

 

"And I'm just saying we can't expect him like we used to." It seemed Ren set the pin-point because Manta couldn't respond to that. Neither could everyone else and it especially snagged at Yoh. Ren did have his points; Maybe he pushed his wish for Horohoro's return a little hard. Maybe they were considering too much of their own needs.

 

Horohoro wasn't mentioned again for the rest of the day. And that night, Ren decided to take himself out. He carried his feet through the evening darkness, the soil soft below his boots. Though he hasn't been here for a long time, he continued on his sure path up the hill. Shortly after going in his quick pace, his golden eyes began to see traces of the star specked sky past the stalked trees. Once reaching the clearing at the top of the hill and sitting down, he let out a quiet breath. Here he could be far from the city in solitude. But the best time was at night like now, and the best part was the sky. He looked up and a soft smile etched on his delicate features. Being far from the city light's pollution, the sky revealed its true twilight identity. Exactly why Ren made this his secret spot.

 

"Ren?"

 

...Or so he thought it was a secret.

 

"Up here, look up." Ren recognized the voice before looking up at the blue haired Ainu sitting up in a tree. He gazed down on the Chinese as he swung around his dangling feet, looking just as blank as Ren.

 

"What're you doing here?" Ren asked with a slightly edgy tone, showing just how stunned he was at discovering who violated his sanctuary.

 

"I can ask you the same." Horohoro countered, ignoring Ren's scowl as he jumped down and sat next to him. A shy smile played on his face as he realized he finally got to speak with the Chinese. Ren didn't smile back but his glare had faded to the same realization. There was then a pause between the two, one's eyes on the other like they had froze to the situation. As much as Horohoro wouldn't mind staying this way whilst getting lost in Ren's golden gaze, he rushed through his head for a conversational topic.

 

"So...what're you here for?"

 

"I asked you first." Horohoro rolled his eyes, deciding to just let the vocalist win that one.

 

"I like it here. A lot." He began and shifted his eyes away nervously to the side. It felt like ages since he spoke to Ren.

 

"Mostly because of the stars."

 

"Stars?" Ren blurted with some astonishment. The Ainu nodded shyly and brought his onyx eyes to the sky. His lips spread to an affectionate smile as he continued.

 

"It's the best over here." Horohoro said it like it says it all. It kind of did to Ren since he understood. The Ainu looked back at him, no longer so nervous.

 

"So what about you?"

 

"Same here, I come for the stars." Ren said smoothly and smirked as Horohoro's face was struck with utter surprise. The Chinese was just as astonished but more than that, he was pleased with the shared interest. He looked up, his smirk melting away to a peaceful smile.

 

"I love the stars." He murmured with a voice holding an emotion Horohoro never heard from him before. It was rather strange to hear the word love from Ren, especially in a positive expression. Horohoro thinks this may be his first time. But he dismissed that thought, wanting to just enjoy the moment.

 

"Same here." He said, looking up too. The two glanced at each other and laughed a little to the whole situation. It's different from any situation they've had before, and nothing like what's been going on, but it wasn't the least bit awkward. Neither thought before that they would even have something like this in common. They watched the stars in peaceful silence for a while, both ever so still as the night surrounding them. It's like they're the only ones existing in this world.

 

They didn't know how long they stayed that way but there wasn't even a trace of the previous tension left surrounding them. And they were both thankful of that, even felt at bliss for it. But on the other side...they were scared. They began to wonder if this carefree feeling was really mutual or if it's just one-sided. That maybe this silence meant something else.

 

_What if he just doesn't want to talk to me?_

_What if he doesn't want me around?_

_What if..._

_What if..._

_he hates me?_

 

"Ren,"

 

"Horohoro,"

 

Unable to bear their own insecurities anymore, they called each other's names in unison. As a result both immediately averted their gaze to the ground, hearts pounding at where their voices got stuck at.

 

"Go ahead." Horohoro began uneasily

 

"You go." But Ren insisted.

 

"I said it first." The Ainu countered and Ren made a displeased frown at the comeback the vocalist used earlier. But instead of arguing on he let out a sigh and decided he will take the first turn. Yet nothing came from the younger male and he slowly closed his eyes as if in search of his words even though he knew them. He knew they were at the very tip of his tongue but he was so hesitant, maybe even afraid to let them out.

 

"Are you ok?" He finally said in a low but gentle voice, and reopened his amber eyes.

 

"What'd you mean?" Horohoro asked, unable to understand at all of where Ren's question came from. Ren wouldn't look back at him, seeming worried about the subject he's about to bring up.

 

"I've heard some people take...rape pretty badly. _Really_ badly. So...what about you? Are you ok?" Ren's face went grim when he finished. He hasn't forgotten what he witnessed the first day Horohoro awoke at the hospital. The way his body trembled no matter how hard he held himself, the sound of his teeth chattering, how his eyes filled with the fear and pain only the Ainu knew. Ren was never able to forget even when Horohoro seemed to be doing well for the rest of his stay in the hospital and after. He wondered if the same thing still happened, just when they weren't around. What if he still suffered where they couldn't see? It's always been on his mind, but Ren was never able to ask. He was always scared to, seeing he blames himself for it happening in the first place.

 

Horohoro could only stare at Ren, dumbfounded by a question he never expected. He's been doing fine whenever he was with his friends while and after staying in the hospital, not wanting to worry them. And Oversoul was so run over with work, he honestly never thought the aftermath would be a concern. Not even Yoh asked about it. But here Ren was, telling him that he is concerned and that it's taken into his regards. Horohoro's lips tugged to an appreciative smile.

 

"I'm alright." He said but he could tell that Ren wasn't convinced. The Ainu's smile saddened just a little and he ran a hand through his azure locks. His eyes shifted away to no particular point from the vocalist's gaze as he went on.

 

"I mean, sometimes I'd get these...flashback. Just little ones. And some nights I wake up to these...nightmares." Horohoro paused for a moment and clamped his eyes closed like he was shutting something away. He let out a breath and opened them again, turning to Ren with a small smile.

 

"They don't happen as often anymore. In fact, they keep getting less frequent. And I know I'll be ok because...I just won't dwell on it. I'm not going to let it haunt me so it can screw me up or my life."

 

"So...you're really ok?" Ren asked almost timidly, surprising Horohoro even more.

 

"Yeah, I'm ok. I'll be alright." Horohoro then answered with a firm nod and his smile grew to a reassuring one. Ren could see the strength in the Ainu through his midnight gaze, telling him that he meant it. That was all Ren needed to see, that willful strength the bluenette has to help him move on. Relief let itself sink into Ren. And in a way...he felt like he was forgiven by the bluenette.

 

"So...how was it at Yoh's?" Right when there was about to be a pause between the two, Horohoro started a new subject. His choice was very sudden and obviously rushed, but he didn't want an awkward silence to come up. Ren however thought nothing of the sudden change in topic and answered with a shrug.

 

"Nothing new, we just hung out. Manta was worried that you didn't come though."

 

"He's always worried about something." Horohoro made an amused chuckle as he looked towards the sky again.

 

"Yeah, I know" Ren began as he too laughed lightly. "I actually had to remind him that you're not in Oversoul anymore." Horohoro's heart froze at Ren's statement and it began to sink. Ren of course didn't give it any deep meaning, it was actually quite thoughtless. But when he glanced at Horohoro and saw that his face had clouded, he went on again more earnestly.

 

"You're life is out of the band now, there's no need to expect from you like before. You can do what you want." To Horohoro, it sounded like Ren was saying he didn't care about what he did because the Ainu wasn't any of his business anymore. Like he was saying he didn't need him. Of course the younger male didn't mean it any sort like that. He only meant that he won't give any pressure. That they might as well accept the change that has happened to them. He intended on relieving the bluenette from any worries that he might have, what he said wasn't meant to hurt him. But sometimes words don't reach the person as intended. Depending on the choice they can be a poison even if intended to be a remedy.

 

"So what are you doing with your life?" Ren asked while both of them remained oblivious to their misunderstanding.

 

"I'll be...going back to Hokkaido." Horohoro answered softly as he tried to bear the tight feeling in his chest. Ren's eyes slightly widened to his words and he turned to him, too stunned to say anything himself. Horohoro looked back at him with a forced smile to hide himself and tried to maintain a carefree voice as he went on.

 

"I actually went back after I left Oversoul and stayed for a while. It was nice to be back home, ya know? To see my sister, Pilika and my parents again. Helping around the house and the crops. I thought it wouldn’t be bad to go back to that life, the one before Oversoul." What Horohoro said was partially true, the bluenette did in fact enjoy his stay at home and he did miss his family. But it was still a cover up for his true reasons. Ren couldn't find his voice at first, utterly dumbfounded at the sudden announcement. Horohoro's expression was as though he was looking back to far away days and it made Ren feel like the bluenette wasn't really there with him, like he was somewhere he couldn't reach. He knew the older male could be doing anything since he separated from the band and he thought he'd be prepared for whatever it was. But this was totally uncalled for. It just felt so unfair that Horohoro's doing this again, just leaving him again, just like that. The Chinese felt so many emotions arise inside him. He didn't even know that Horohoro went back to Hokkaido the first time, he didn't know anything about him after he left the band. The Chinese began to think that maybe...he didn't know anything about him at all from the start.

 

"Well, like I said...just do what you want." Ren said dryly with a hint of disappointment. Despite how wronged the Chinese felt, he knew he was in no place to stop him. Besides, he didn't know any reason good enough. Horohoro was taken aback by the sudden bitterness Ren's tone has taken on, and he can almost feel a thorny coldness from him. It gave him a sense of loss like Ren was letting go of him because he didn't matter anymore. Like he was being dropped by the Chinese. He felt like he lost Ren from one, single mistake in the past.

 

Horohoro looked down at the ground, wishing he could just disappear into the dark night. He felt a heavy stone grow inside his throat and he didn't know what to say. Well no, he knew there was one thing.

 

"Hey..." He mustered up a feeble voice from below all the fear and anxiety. "I'm really, really sorry about what I did. It was selfish...and I should've at least said something to you guys first. I'm really sorry." Ren said nothing throughout Horohoro's apology, nor did his attentive expression change. It made the Ainu feel even worse and his heart sank deeper into the pit of his stomach. He waited for whatever response may come as the younger male brought his own eyes down to the grass.

 

"Look, I don't even care anymore." Ren said with a sigh and caught the Ainu in complete awe. He continued on in a voice holding no anger, his golden eyes still set on the green blades below him.

 

"I mean, I won't say I wasn't pissed. I actually was at first. But we're not dealing with the media and paparazzi anymore. We might as well just let it go, it's been over a year." A sense of relief settled into Ren, he felt as though he said something he's been holding in for a million years. And Horohoro felt like he just heard something he's been hoping for just as long. All he knew was that Ren just said he forgives him. He didn't say it in the exact words, but the older male knew it was put in Ren's own way. That was enough for him.

 

"...Thanks." Horohoro said softly in sheer joy and Ren nodded in response. The vocalist felt his cheeks flush to that one word and he hoped it was dark enough to hide them. But then a question immediately surfaced inside him and he couldn't help but ask.

 

"So...when are you leaving?"

 

"...I don't know yet." Horohoro answered after a pause. Ren didn't say anything after that and neither did Horohoro. The fact was, it's not that Horohoro didn't know when he would leave. He just didn't know what to do anymore. He was planning to leave in the first place because he thought things would never go back to how it used to be between him and Ren. But now the clouds between the two seemed to have finally cleared and he was uplifted by that. But still...he was still hesitating. He was still unsure.

 

Some say that stars are guidance for people. And maybe tonight the stars brought these two together and guided them to some answers. But it doesn't matter what guidance comes to them if they are too blind. Horohoro is blinded by his insecurities and Ren by his oblivion. They're both deluded by the past and they can't see the present that they're in.


	6. Chapter 6

Since it's debut four years ago, Oversoul climbed to the top of the music industry at an astonishing rate. Their first song released on television and radios brought an explosion of popularity to their name and, hitting the top five in charts. In the same year they released three singles at the same time, something unexpected and bold for new comers in their first year. But as if to counter that fact out of the matter, their first album came out to be a number one hit. Their numerous major record deals have brought millions of fans around the planet and numerous music awards ranging from best new artists to best album to song of the year and so on. And there is no one stopping them.

 

However, Oversoul's four-year journey was not as smooth as it seemed. In the same year of their first album and at the start of their burst of popularity, Ren began sleeping with Horohoro and Yoh, though more often with Horohoro. Such a scandalous deed was kept discreet even within the band, a secret only between the three. But it began as something meant to be meaningless.

 

It didn't stay that way.

 

Emotions eventually grew in what was suppose to be an empty relationship and got tangled, unbalancing the three's feelings. To add on, there had always been discrepancy between Horohoro and Ren from the start. As a band, Oversoul was stable. But three individuals were wearing thin.

 

Horohoro left the group in their third year, and they haven't kept in touch what so ever since. When they were thought to never meet again, the remaining three were brought to Horohoro in a coma in their fourth year. Miraculously, the bluenette awoke.

 

Horohoro looked back on the history of the band, thinking the jagged road was more like a stormy sea. But like all storms of the sea, it passed as if it never happened. The bluenette thought that's what really made it all the harder to believe because he used to think too much has happened to be back to how things used to be. He never thought that things would fall so well back into place, at least not so much like this. But here he is now, hanging out with his friends and playing pool in Manta's mansion with them. Even if he still wasn't part of Oversoul anymore, it seemed like everything was back to how things used to be, like nothing has changed.

 

But Horohoro couldn't help but think that just one thing has changed.

 

The bluenette's obsidian eyes moved to two figures standing up front. Both Ren and Yoh had their backs facing him, observing the placement of the balls before Ren would take his turn. Seeing the two standing next to each other further added on to the Ainu's suspicion, even though he knew it didn't have to mean anything. In any case, he didn't know anything, and that was the problem. By the end of the day when they decided to go home, he has made up his mind.

 

Yoh drove his friends home from Manta's mansion, and Horohoro was last to drop off. He parked his car in front of the bluenette's home, which was a high class apartment, but instead of leaving the engine on he turned the key off and sat back in his seat.

 

"Something up?" He asked casually in his mellow tone and turned to Horohoro who said nothing. The brunette may have had his eyes on the road but he's noticed that his friend has not said a word through the whole ride. And now that he does have his attention on him, he could sees something is obviously on Horohoro's mind.

 

"Hey Yoh?" Horohoro finally spoke up and the said male gave a hum in reply and cocked his head to the side.

 

"I was wondering...are you and Ren...are you guys together now?" Yoh chestnut eyes slightly widened but he immediately understood why Horohoro would ask such a question. They both after all, took part in the same three-way relationship just a few years ago, and ended up tangled on the tattered page of heartache. Horohoro's absence could have been considered a chance for Yoh, so it was only natural for the question to come up from the Ainu.

 

"Horohoro..." Yoh began and the said male's brows made a frown. He wished he hadn't asked, he didn't want to hear it. But he knew he had to in order to get reality to sink in. He had to hear it, accept it, and get through with it. He prepared himself, looking into Yoh's chestnut eyes with his own that were full of wavering emotions.

 

"I don't even sleep with him anymore." Yoh finished as he shook his head slowly. His lips came into what seemed like an apologetic smile.

 

"W-what?" Horohoro managed to stammer as confusion washed over him after registering what Yoh just said.

 

"We stopped about a year ago." The bruenette added and an ounce of guilt formed inside of Horohoro.

 

"Was it...because of me?" The Ainu asked and Yoh shook his head.

 

"No, it's not like that at all. Erm...it's more like my fault...I'm the one who ended it." Horohoro couldn't find any words. Yoh wasn't really waiting for any, he just held the bluenette's eyes with his own melancholic gaze. After a few moments Horohoro finally spoke.

 

"Why? You once told me you didn't want him to be alone."

 

"I know...but I kinda realized that if we went on like that, we'd be nothing but alone."

 

"But you know him most, Yoh. You..."

 

"That doesn't mean we'd be anything more than friends." Yoh cut Horohoro off and laid his eyes to the ground with a sigh.

 

"We're just fuck buddies if not friends. But that's the thing. We're just friends. And Ren...I'm sure he knows that too."

 

"I don't get it. It's your shoulder he leaned on when he needed it, it's you he let in."

 

"I guess that can be true." Yoh agreed but his smile made it seem like the agreement was almost reluctant.

 

"But Ren actually seemed...relieved about ending the whole fuck buddy relationship. He was actually ok with it, he really was. Probably because he didn't want to continue doing something that didn't even matter anymore." Horohoro furrowed his brows in confused silence, still unable to comprehend what Yoh is trying to say. The guitarist said nothing at first, staring thoughtfully at the floor of his car as he organized his words. After a short while he turned to Horohoro again.

 

"I think Ren had sex with me to deny the fact that he was getting attached to you. So there was no point in doing it anymore when you left. But he couldn't say he wanted to stop or else it would still prove his attachment towards you. That's why he didn't care when I said I want to stop." Horohoro's expression was a mix of perplexity and uncertainty. To him it's unbelievable that Ren would ever get attached to him and the thought that the Chinese used Yoh like that was oddly discomforting. Yoh on the other hand seemed unphased by it all and his mellow smile made its way across his face.

 

"He was scared that you were becoming that special, whether he'd admit it or not. Basically with me, it was just to hide his insecurity. Deep down I kinda had a hunch. He had sex more often with you than with me, we both knew that. And sometimes I wondered who's face he really saw when he closed his eyes while he fucked me, who's name he was really thinking about. It used to hurt a lot." Yoh closed his eyes and sighed deeply as if looking back to an old memory.

 

"Funny thing though," He continued and reopened his eyes, staring distantly into space. "It didn't hurt at all when he was ok with ending it. By that time those feelings I used to have for him were in the past. Just gone."

 

"So you mean you just...moved on?" Before Yoh could respond to Horohoro's question, his cell phone's ringing broke through the air between them, and the guitarist pulled it out of his jacket pocket.

 

"Hello? Hey what's up?...Tomorrow? Sure...Sounds cool...Alright, I'll see you then. Bye." With that, Yoh turned his phone off.

 

"Work?" Horohoro asked but the brunette shook his head.

 

"It was Manta. He wants to go see a movie tomorrow." Yoh answered while staring at the phone he still held in his hands. Horohoro curiously watched the brunette's face; his lips made a small but meaningful smile, his cheeks were slightly glowing from the soft pink tints that weren't there before, and his eyes held a soft but blissful gaze. He just looked most contented since the conversation started. It was then Horohoro understood what it was that happened to Yoh.

 

"You _did_ move on." The bluenette said softly, finding the answer to his own question. Yoh merely nodded with his lips keeping his shy smile.

 

"I just want this to work out, ya know? And like I said, what I felt for Ren is gone now." Yoh let out a deep sigh and leaned his head back on his seat.

 

"I wish it was gone sooner. Before you guys broke up." Horohoro scoffed at his friend's comment.

 

"There was never anything between us so we never _broke up_. I just left." His words were woven with regret for what he feels he can't change.

 

"Still, I wish I'd moved on sooner."

 

"Yeah? Well, I wish I moved on too."

 

"Don't." Yoh quickly said in a sharp tone, startling Horohoro a little. The bluenette turned to him oddly and Yoh looked back with a firm look on his face.

 

"Look, I know that Ren is a...complicated person. But life was pretty rough on him. I mean, his relationship with his family...wasn't very healthy and school was just...full of shitty people."

 

"Yeah, you told me that once." Horohoro stated with a nod. He remembers in their earlier years when the Ainu had just joined Oversoul, the guitarist had once said something similar so the Ainu could understand that he had to be patient with the Chinese. He didn't give any details back then because Horohoro was new and the bluenette didn't ask for any because he knew it was rather personal from the way Yoh said it. And Yoh probably still didn't give any details now because he felt he was in no place to open up Ren's past like it was his own. Despite how curious Horohoro may be, he understood and respected that, and he didn't intend on digging deeper. He could only assume that if Ren wanted Horohoro to know he will tell him, and the bluenette will wait for that time to come...if it ever will.

 

"You know him so well, Yoh. You could've just taken the next step instead of moving on."

 

"Yeah, but like I said, I'm just best-friend material. Ren knows that too, that's why he didn't mind when I drew that line. He just didn't care. It wasn't like that with you though." Alerted by the last comment, Horohoro's eyes slightly widened.

 

"What'd you mean?"

 

"Ren wasn't indifferent about you leaving, Horohoro, it actually really upset him. You said it yourself that he was pissed but I'm pretty sure he felt a lot more than just anger. I'm lucky enough t say I'm one of his friends. But not you. I think you're the first person in his life who means more to him." Yoh then put on a more meaningful look on his face and continued more earnestly.

 

"I know it can be frustrating but...I moved on because I'm not the right person for Ren. But you are. You say he lets me in but he'd probably let you in further. He just needs that chance...maybe you have to make the first move. Just don't give up, give a little more time." Horohoro looked away from Yoh, his face grim with uncertainty. Yoh knew the bluenette was wondering how he could be so sure. How could he not wonder? After all, it's not like these words were coming from Ren himself. Just then, Yoh's phone rang again for the second time.

 

"Hello?...with Horo...I'm sorry, Anna...Ok I'll be home, I'm sorry." Yoh turned off his phone with a sigh and turned to Horohoro with an embarrassed smile as Horohoro chuckled.

 

"Still Anna's servant, huh?" The Ainu is well aware of the said girl's authorative ways, Yoh believes she inherited it from his grandmother after she was adopted by his grandparents. The brunette didn't mind it so much anymore, he's gotten used to it over the years. And he knows she acts the way she does because Yoh's grandparents raised her that way. They loved her like their own child and she loved them like her parents.

 

"Yeah," Yoh answered laughing too. "I better get home and make dinner. I'm already late."

 

"Why don't you just tell her to get off your case for once?"

 

"Trust me, you don't ever want to say no to Anna. Besides, she knows when to leave me alone, she understands my job and when I'm too tired. But she wants me home now because she doesn't want to keep grandma and grandpa waiting for dinner."

 

"Alright, well sorry for holdin' you up."

 

"No problem." Yoh replied casually as Horohoro stepped out of his car. He started the engine again as the bluenette walked towards the apartment building.

 

"Horohoro!" Yoh called out before Horohoro went inside. The said male turned and looked at his friend who stuck his head slightly out the window.

 

"Don't forget what I told you." The bruenette said and drove off. Horohoro was frozen for a few seconds, dumbfounded with widened eyes. He then turned around and walked into the building after entering the security code at the entrance. Once he reached his floor, which was the top, he went walked into his home worn out emotionally and mentally from the previous conversation. He could only get himself to drag his feet to his room and climb into bed, not bothering to change and deciding he'll shower in the morning. It's unbelievable how one person can make him feel so powerless, even when that person isn't even there. Horohoro wasn't even sure of what to think as he stared at the blank ceiling above him in the dark. All he knew was...he wants to see him.


	7. Chapter 7 Part 1

The rain came all too suddenly that day. Yet he was ready. Amongst those rushing around for shelter, he openly walked on the puddled pavement under his black umbrella. There were only about a couple of others who were just as prepared here and there, and they were just as lucky because it poured like no tomorrow. And there didn't seem to be any chance of the pouring to stop even when he reached his doorstep. He pulled his key out of his coat pocket, but before sticking it into the keyhole, a spot of blue caught his amber eyes.

 

"Hey, where’ve you been?" Horohoro stood with his hands in his pockets and a casual smile spread across his face.

 

"Went to Yoh's but he wasn't there. So I came back home." Ren replied, his key now dangling from his fingers.

 

"Yeah, he and Manta went to the movies." Ren gave a bored shrug, not seeming the least bit interested.

 

"By the say, Horohoro," He raised a brow and eyed the older male strangely. "You've been standing there for a while. Do you enjoy the rain or are you just too stupid to notice?" Horohoro seemed dumbfounded all of a sudden, even though he was standing right below the pounding drops and drenched from head to toe. From the looks of it, he's probably been out for quite a while before coming to Ren's house. The Chinese rolled his eyes, knowing the Ainu wasn't prepared for the surprise change of weather. Horohoro shrugged carelessly.

 

"Rain won't kill you. I didn't know anyway."

 

"If you watched today's forecast, you would've known there was thirty percent chance."

 

"That's barely anything."

 

"It's still a chance." Horohoro this time rolled his eyes. He let out a sneeze and rubbed his wet nose, not noticing the disapproving frown Ren made.

 

"Get inside." Ren said quietly and finally stuck the key into the door.

 

"Huh?" Horohoro still stood there, not sure if he heard that right. Ren had his hand on the knob and sighed impatiently.

 

"I said get inside, don't make me repeat myself." The shorter male ordered more sharply, already walking into his home first. Horohoro hurriedly followed, unintentionally splashing into a puddle on his way. Once inside, he removed his soaked shoes and followed Ren into the living room where the Chinese was fixing some coffee. Ren peered at the bluenette who just stood there in the middle of the room, getting a better notice of his current state. The Ainu's soaked shirt was sticking to his shivering body, his pants looking just as hopeless, and his shoes didn't seem to have protected his socks. Even his skin looked to be in distress with the gooseflesh all over it, and water dripped from the tips of his azure locks.

 

"Give me your clothes so I can put them in the dryer." Ren crossed his arms with half lidded eyes.

 

"Awesome, thanks!" Horohoro chirped to his friend's offer gleefully.

 

"What am I, your mother?" Ignoring Ren's comment, Horohoro began to remove his clothes. His arms still folded in place, Ren leaned against a wall as he waited. He then blinked when the bluenette pulled his shirt off over his head and revealed a flat stomach with abs, which weren't too big but very noticeable to say the least. He still didn't tear his eyes away from the tight chest and thin, but well built arms. The fixated eyes moved lower actually, with the hands that removed the belt on Horohoro's jeans that were well below his hip, showing off an attractive abdomen line. Ren observed the fingers that unbuttoned the denim and unzip, letting the pants fall and strip the Ainu down to his black boxer shorts. Ren always knew that black complimented the older male.

 

Unaware of Ren's survey, Horohoro stepped out of his pants and handed his clothes to Ren. Luckily for the Chinese, he snapped back to reality on time and took the wet garments to the laundry room. A minute later he returned and threw a towel on Horohoro, who dried himself off and hung the towel around his neck. Ren took another glimpse of him as an idea of an old...habit they used to have crossed his mind.

 

"Uh, Ren?" Horohoro's voice pulled the said male back to the living room, causing heat to rush to his cheeks. Horohoro didn't notice however, and Ren felt lucky upon realizing that.

 

"What is it?" Ren asked, keeping his cool composure.

 

"You got anything I can wear?" Ren nodded to Horohoro's request, a bit embarrassed that he didn't think of that earlier, and brought the Ainu a pair of one of his more bigger and baggier jeans and a jacket. He would've brought a shirt but because Ren was much smaller than Horohoro, he didn't have the bluenette's size. As Horohoro changed into the borrowed clothes, Ren's attention was brought to something he had somehow overlooked earlier. His face grew grim to the scars on the bluenette's chest and torso. What used to be a few remorsefully fresh, bloody stitches are now just a few healed scars that hardly stood out on the unbroken flesh. They have healed a great deal compared to the first time he saw them at the hospital but they still seemed to scream at Ren.

 

"Hey, Ren?" Horohoro spoke up and the startled male blinked at the Ainu, realizing he had tuned out again. Seeing he got the vocalist's attention, Horohoro continued.

 

"Can I stay here for a while, maybe 'til it stops raining?"

 

"Yeah, go ahead." Ren shrugged to Horohoro's request, figuring he won't mind the company. What kind of company they intended on being for each other could be a curious circumstance for one to try to figure out. Though they sat on the same couch, Horohoro sat on one end while watching whatever was on TV, because Ren sat on the other end reading one of his paper back books. Not the most interesting situation, rather dull actually. Perhaps that was the result of two people being too preoccupied by his won awkwardness and being unable to realize the other's.

 

Horohoro for one, came to see Ren because his thoughts of the Chinese from last night hasn't ceased even in the morning. It's too late to deny that Ren is constantly on his mind. Even now, he merely pretended to be glued to the television screen when really, he's been repeatedly stealing glances at the corner of his eye. If the truth was plainly said, he felt awkward from his own thought that crossed his mind when he was changing in front of Ren. Being so exposed to the younger male reminded Horohoro of the days they used to have. And to be honest, he may want those days back. He's had such thoughts before even after he left Oversoul, he won't deny that, and it would most certainly be a lie if he said the sex wasn't good. He couldn't call it making love, but it was still incredible. But it wouldn't be a problem if that were the only reason he's so tempted to go back to that. What actually hurt Horohoro was that the only time he felt loved by Ren was when the Chinese took him in that mind blowing, love-uninvolved sex. But Horohoro also knew in painful clarity that he couldn't go back to that, no matter how much the bait was tempting, or else the sharp hook will pierce him again and make him the mess he once was. The hook from last time is still pierced in his heart, after all.

 

Like Horohoro pretended to pay attention to the television, Ren pretended to be absorbed in his reading. Usually on rainy days like this, he'd be fine with keeping himself busy with a book. However, his mind was more preoccupied by his previous thoughts. As much as he may want to deny it, he knew he had thought about having sex with the Ainu when he was changing. If more was said, he even sometimes thinks about the sex they've had in the past. He was especially brought to such thoughts when he was alone with Horohoro like now. That was after all, how it went back then. They get alone somewhere and just go at it. Of course, Ren is fully aware that it's quite normal for a young man in his early twenties like himself to have a mind revolving around sex. But he was confused because it was never like this with Yoh, especially after they stopped the whole bedmates relationship. Ren's come to realize that these kinds of thoughts _only_ involved Horohoro. Like the bluenette, Ren began to suspect that just possibly...he wants those days back as well?

 

Even if that's so, Ren knew they couldn't go back to that. The last time they tried, Horohoro refused Ren, giving the message that he's no longer interested. Ren can still recall that night because it was the very night before Horohoro made the surprise announcement about leaving Oversoul.

 

Ren glanced up from the page of his book to Horohoro. He's been doing so for quite a while actually, though he didn't know that they were between Horohoro's glances. If truth was said, the Ainu on a constant basis has invaded his mind ever since he saw him at the hospital. And it wasn't just about the sex. Sometimes—many random times— Ren would just drift into thoughts that were merely about the bluenette. Many times they were memories, other times he'd think about his face, his voice, and just about anything else. Ren couldn't say that the Ainu is just an ex-band member anymore. He understands now that he recognizes him as a friend, he's sure of it, because it finally hit him when he thought he lost him. But Ren has begun to come to a vague understanding, vague but enough to ask himself; how much does he know about Horohoro, really?

 

Unaware of the thoughts training through Ren's mind, or even the fact that Ren has been secretly glancing as well, Horohoro stole another glimpse from the corner of his eye. It's undeniable that the conversation he had with Yoh yesterday has brought him in this position. Position as in, wanting to know more about Ren. It's true that he could have just asked Yoh yesterday. But he didn't want to hear it from Yoh, because that would only rub it in his face that the guitarist knew so much more compared to the bluenette. The way Horohoro saw it, what he knew about Ren was close to nothing.

 

If plainly spoken further, he was jealous of Yoh. Jealous that the brunette knew Ren more than himself. Jealous that he knew what his background was, what circumstances he was brought up in, what life he had before Oversoul. Jealous that Yoh was actually in that life. Jealous that Yoh understood Ren. He knew Ren all the way down to the deep end. He was someone the vocalist can trust and even lean on when he needed a shoulder. Compared to that, Horohoro could only remember being an ex-band member. What was that?

 

At this point, Horohoro was too engrossed in his pessimism so much that he had forgotten to make anymore of his fleeting glances. And it was then Ren made one more of his own and his amber eyes were transfixed on the blue haired male sitting next to him, for he was caught off guard by the expression he wore. Horohoro was no longer paying any attention to the television, his onyx eyes cast on the ground, very still but concentrating to no particular point. Anyone could guess that he was just spacing out. But those eyes showed so much depth in whatever he was entranced into with sadness being one of the more empowering emotions. It made the Ainu look unusually sophisticated since Ren had always perceived him as someone who lacked more maturity than necessary. Although the Chinese didn't hate that over-enthusiastic side of him, at least most of the time.

 

The truth is, this isn't the first time Ren has witnessed this profound side of the bluenette. There had been rare occasions back when Horohoro was still part of Oversoul, and Ren had asked him what was on his mind. But each time Horohoro would wave it off and say that it was nothing. Even back then, despite how casual he tried to sound, Ren was curious more than he knew he should be and Horohoro's response always irked him. Maybe that's why Ren is drawn to it so much now. He wanted to know what could possibly be on the bluenette's mind to make him so deeply immersed. What it was that could make it such a secret. So really, rather than being fascinated by the downcast expression Horohoro made, Ren was more curious for what was behind it. And above that, he wanted so badly for the Ainu to tell him. That feeling was so immense, it almost felt unconditional. Because Ren wanted to know...what made Horohoro look so sad. But there was no way Horohoro could ever tell him because the answer was always Ren himself.

 

They were so oblivious to how caught up they were in each other.

 

Ren never realized that he had never torn his eyes away from Horohoro yet. The Ainu was first to come out of his phased-out state, and noticed the younger male's gaze. He turned his head to Ren, who instantly pulled out of his absorbency without turning away. And that was when their eyes finally met.

 

"What?" Horohoro asked in innocent curiosity to Ren's stare.

 

"You look...bored." Ren managed to answer, worried at first that the older male would see through his lie. But Horohoro shrugged unsuspiciously and clicked the TV off with the remote.

 

"There's nothing on." He said boredly and with a sigh he fell back on the couch.

 

"You're the one who wanted to stay." Ren pointed out as he rolled his eyes and returned to his reading. Horohoro looked up at the book from where he lie, not quite pleased with the lack of attention he was receiving.

 

"How do you get yourself to read a book so thick? It looks boring." Ren raised a brow at the bluenette's question.

 

"A book is boring if it's too short. And this isn't even that long, not for me at least. I don't know about you." The Chinese snickered when Horohoro glowered at his last remark.

 

"Well it's too long for me."

 

"Figures."

 

"What's that suppose to mean?"

 

"I think I've told you before, _baka_." Horohoro pursed his lips and it took some effort for Ren to stifle his laugh. That made Horohoro smile as well. But the next moment, he swiped the book right out of Ren's hands and it was the vocalist's turn to glare down at him.

 

"What do you think you're doing?" Horohoro sat up again and set the book on the table as he spoke.

 

"I think you should pay more attention to _me_ than read this long and _boring_ book." Ren rolled his eyes to Horohoro's suggestion, making the bluenette whine, which made the Chinese laugh once again.

 

"Come on Ren, we can just talk."

 

"And just what do you want to talk about?"

 

"Anything, I guess."

 

"That really narrows down the choices, baka Horo."

 

"Ok ok, I'll start then...When and why did you get your tattoo?"

 

"What?"

 

"That tattoo on your back. When and why did you get it?" Ren gave Horohoro an odd stare, clearly unable to see where the random question came from.

 

"For conversation's sake." Horohoro said with a shrug as if he heard Ren's mental puzzlement. The Chinese sighed, deciding that it's probably futile to try to find any comprehension. The fact is, the question was random to Horohoro as it was to Ren. As much as the Ainu may want to talk about something more meaningful, he didn't know where to start and he didn't want to push too hard. Besides, he wouldn't mind settling for simple conversation either.

 

"So you gonna answer or what?"

 

"First, why do you want to know?"

 

"Just curious. It's the only tattoo you have. And I assume, being the careful person that you are, you'd choose with extra precautions of what would be printed on your skin if it can last a lifetime." Surprisingly impressed by the bluenette's rational reasoning, Ren let out a small snort and nodded with a smirk. But that smirk was somewhat cynical.

 

"I guess you have your points, for once." Horohoro grinned cleverly as Ren continued.

 

"As for when, I don't know exactly. I've had it for as long as I can remember." Horohoro's brows knitted as he notices Ren face take on a dark, downcast expression.

 

"As for why, I got it because I'm a Tao."


	8. Chapter 7 Part 2

"...What'd you mean?"

 

"This tattoo isn't a choice I made. My family gave it to me when I was maybe six or seven."

 

"Dude, is that even legal?"

 

"That's not really a concern." Ren shrugged carelessly like it wasn't his concern either. He then narrowed his eyes to golden slits as he remembered the searing pain of the hot needle etching the flesh of his back.

 

"My family...the Tao clan isn't exactly the kind you'd call normal."

 

"Depends on how you define normal." Horohoro said in an attempt to lighten the air, which he saw he failed at.

 

"Well it's not...your typical family, then. It's a clan that runs businesses with quit a reputation, holding relations with other major firms and establishments worldwide. They also affect smaller businesses by giving financial aid or...taking them down."

 

"What'd you mean taking them down?"

 

"The Taos are very intolerant. If they find even the smallest of a nuisance, they're powerful enough to take their business down and get them out of the picture...for good."

 

"Damn." Horohoro whispered in shock and Ren made that cynical smirk again.

 

"That's not all. Guess what happens to those guys who can't pay off their financial debts by the time it's due."

 

"What?" Horohoro noticed Ren's eyes grow darker as he continued.

 

"The Taos, or rather say my father, takes over full management. That's what happens when you get involved with them."

 

"But what about the original management?" Ren let out a stressed sigh, for once wishing Horohoro would be his usual dull self. It seems the Ainu has stepped into an issue the Chinese hoped they wouldn't have to get into.

 

"Well, that goes into a business different from economy." Ren began and his lips went into a fine line.

 

"They're...exterminated." Horohoro's eyes widened, catching on quicker than expected.

 

"You mean...?" Ren nodded slowly, knowing what the bluenette wanted to ask.

 

"Certain people are chosen and taken in by the Taos for this kind of business. They're trained to become elite and the finest you can find in the world. However, because of the kind of business it is, it's hidden away in China...though it is still very powerful." Ren narrowed his eyes in disgust as he spat his next words.

 

"You can just imagine the power and reputation they hold. And guess who runs the almighty Tao business." Ren said scornfully and Horohoro could only wait for the answer in his ongoing silence.

 

"My father." The Chinese whispered with a hint of apprehension.

 

"And guess who was next in line." He was staring at the floor now, not wanting to see what kind of expression Horohoro might be wearing. The silence he feels from the bluenette was already too much.

 

"I'm his only son so that was the path I was set on the moment I was born. But if I was to stand at the top of something like that, it was essential for me to meet certain expectations both in my studies and my training. I had to live life in certain ways."

 

"It must have been...rough." Horohoro said as earnestly as he can, even though he wasn't really sure of what the right word was. Ren just scoffed at him and huddled his legs to his chest. He folded his arms on top of his knees and rested his chin atop.

 

"I accepted it. I never believed in anything else but the path I was born into because I thought it was the only one I had. They made it clear that there's no way out." Ren buried his face into his folded arms and clenched his teeth, refusing to let the tears fall no matter how much his eyes stung. Seeing him look so small and frail, a side that he's never seen before, made Horohoro cringe. He couldn't imagine what the Chinese has been through and he hated the fact that he didn't know how to console him. He knows that this site of him is only a small peek through a thin crack of the younger male's hard, cold shell. The awareness of that was all the more mortifying.

 

"Are they the ones who...gave you that scar?" The bluenette's question was hesitant, unsure if he should have asked or not. Ren knew from his tone that he could only be talking about the long gash along his back crossing over the Tao imprint. He had other scars but that one is most certainly the worst. Ren raised his face from his arms and nodded. He didn't know why he was telling the Ainu all this. Really, all he had to do was answer two questions but now he was going further than he would have ever intended. It was even starting to sound like a rant.

 

But somehow, it felt safe to open up to him so much.

 

"My father to be exact. Apparently he wasn't happy when I decided not to take my part as the family heir."

 

"But how'd you get out? I thought you said they weren't gonna let you go."

 

"I said I _thought_ there's no way out. But that was up until I met Yoh." Horohoro almost flinched to the name but he caught himself before he did. But he couldn't stop the pang of jealousy that pierced through him.

 

"After meeting Yoh, I saw things differently. I guess you could say that I changed." Ren chuckled to his own choice of words, finding them a bit of a cliché.

 

"I faced my father when I was close to graduating high school. I was already accepted into a university, so I don't think I have to tell you that he was furious." Horohoro gave Ren an odd look, quite certain that furious seems like an understatement when he thinks about the scar. But instead of saying anything, he continued to listen to the young Chinese.

 

"He said I soiled the Tao name and its honor. That I'm a shameful disgrace. He told me that I'll never make it as a musician. That the clan is all I have and that I'll learn my mistake when I fail and become miserable. And then...he disowned me. This scar was basically a souvenir to take with me when I walked out the door." Ren forced a smirk and closed his eyes with a pause, remembering the very day.

 

"I guess what pissed him off was, he was going to have me run both businesses on my own. Even if he couldn't. Even if he has to have his brother help him keep track of the hit man business in China, he wanted me to do it all. Somehow…he believed I could do it."

 

"You didn't want to let him down, did you?" Ren turned to Horohoro with a confounded look, apparently not expecting to hear something like that at all.

 

"And what makes you think that?" He asked in what could sound like anger or defense, but there'd s note of confusion. Horohoro spoke slowly, picking up the right terms as he went along.

 

"Well, you sounded pretty bitter at first when you were talking about the family business and what you had to put up with. But when you started talking about leaving it all and your dad's plans for you…you didn't sound so hostile or irritated. You sounded more regretful." Ren felt himself tense as if the bluenette had grasped something he kept hidden away for ages.

 

"The way I see it, your dad counted on you for a lot. I mean, he really believed in you. And you were really proud. So…it must've been really hard when you made that choice." Ren stared at Horohoro, no sound coming from his slightly open lips. What startled him the most was, the bluenette was right. Although his life before Oversoul could be considered more than harsh, he was fully intent on becoming the Tao heir. Even though he had secretly questioned some of their ways, he thought all he can do was become the successor of a powerful clan. However, he was in fact proud of how much his father saw in him. The pressure was enough to crush him but he knew it was because his father saw something promising in his son, enough to see a possibility that he could carry on more than he himself. Like Horohoro said, Ren knew his father believed in him. And he was proud of that. He had more pride in that than anything else. But then he met Yoh, and he came to see, came to realize,

 

"He was expecting from me what he couldn't become." Ren murmured, unintentionally speaking his thoughts out loud.

 

"Ren—“

 

"The last thing I wanted to become was a disappointment. But I turned my back on him. I betrayed my family. And now, I'm no longer a Tao."

 

"Ren," Horohoro called out as the said male buried his face into his arms again. He grasped the slender man's shoulders and made him look up again. But the Chinese shunned his face away, his eyes averted to the floor with a color of shame mixed with the gold.

 

"Come on, look at me." Horohoro gently requested. He cupped Ren's chin with his hand and moved the younger male's face so that he was forced to face him. But Ren still refused to look at him, and Horohoro decided he will leave it at that as long as the man was listening.

 

"You kept the tattoo." Ren's eyes immediately shifted to Horohoro. The bluenette made a small smile, satisfied that he finally got the vocalist's full attention.

 

"You're one of the greatest musicians in the world so you obviously have the money to get it removed. But you chose to keep it. You chose to still keep the pride. That's gotta mean something." Ren stared at the Ainu, feeling like he had justified something for him. He nodded slowly, speaking softly with careful sincerity.

 

"I'm not sorry that I'm a Tao. It's just, what they wanted from me…" Ren trailed off, his voice uneven as he was so close to tears he desperately held back. Behind that pride he once had, there was too much blood tainted on what he could barely call a childhood. Too much pressure for one person's shoulders. It was too dark for someone so alone. It was a world too much for someone who didn't want to be in it.

 

"I didn't want it." Ren finished himself in a low whisper. Without even thinking, Horohoro reached out and took Ren's hand into his own. The younger male flinched to the sudden touch but he instantly relaxed to it. To Horohoro's shock, the Chinese didn't pull away. Instead he looked from the clasped hands to the bluenette's face, with a confused look on his face. Horohoro then spoke with a voice so certain as if he knew he couldn't be wrong.

 

"Staying there couldn't have been the right choice if you knew you was going to be miserable. And Oversoul obviously wasn't a mistake. I mean, you thought being an heir was all you had but look at how wrong you were. Look at how wrong your dad was, he said you'd never make it. He expected you to fail. But you didn't meet his expectations, you surpassed it." Ren's expression didn't change but inside he felt like he was struck with a penetrating truth. Horohoro wasn't really capable of knowing because of his unchanging expression so he could only hope that he was getting something through to him.

 

"And Oversoul will always have your back. There's Manta, Faust, and there's Yoh. And…" The Ainu suddenly trailed off, hoping that anything he's saying holds any relevance of meaning to Ren.

 

"And you'll always have me." He said softly and Ren stared at him in silent awe. The vocalist then looked down a little, his lips coming into a shy smile. It all seemed so intricate that in a way, all he could do was smile. First the Ainu wears that look on his face that simply captivates Ren. Then he asks two questions that somehow led to the vocalist pouring out his life. But even through that the bluenette only listened without throwing a single judging look or remark. And then he fathoms these words that, Ren himself never even knew, he may have been waiting for them for who knows how long. It's like Horohoro can see right through Ren like there's no use in hiding. How? Just how was it that someone he thought was so stupid, can be so profound? It was simply incomprehensible.

 

"Yeah…thanks." Ren whispered, feeling somewhat emancipated. Horohoro smiled at him warmly, glad that Ren was feeling better, more than the fact that he's the one who helped him.

 

"And Horo," The Chinese began and the said male replied with a hum. "You can let go of my hand now." Horohoro suddenly realized that, not only had he never let go of Ren's hand, but he was also giving it a slight squeeze. His hand quickly made a retreat and both men felt their faces get hot.

 

"S-sorry."

 

"Um, no, it's ok." They both spoke awkwardly, mentally ordering their hearts to stop pounding so loud as if in fear of being heard by the other. They both went silent after that, wondering what they could converse about now. Ren felt like he just finished a therapy session so it made it all the more awkward for him. Strangely enough though, he didn't regret it.


	9. Chapter 7 Part 3

"So, I'm guessing you've never had these problems with your father?" After a long pause, Ren suddenly broke the silence. As uneasy as he felt from their last discussion, the nervous silence just made if worse. So he decided it was his turn to start. Horohoro was just glad to know that the vocalist did, in fact, want to continue talking.

 

"Well no, I guess nothing like that." He replied, hoping that didn't sound rude. Then he made a thoughtful expression and continued.

 

"Then again, I've been alright with both of them."

 

"Both of them? You have two dads?" Ren eyed Horohoro oddly, wondering if he heard that right. He assumed that, although the Chinese only asked about his father, the bluenette had meant both his mother and father. However, the bluenette didn't seem struck by any mistake.

 

"Yeah." He answered bluntly like it was the most obvious thing in the world. This time the surprise and confusion showed clearly on Ren's face, and realization dawned on Horohoro's.

 

"I never told you, did I? I was once adopted."

 

"By two men?" Ren asked in utter shock, though it did cross him that it could explain his friend's sexuality. But Horohoro's eyes grew wide and he almost chocked on air as he spluttered his words.

 

"What? No, I mean I was with my biological family once and then later I was adopted. Both my dads were straight." Horohoro laughed at Ren's mistaken assumption but the younger male couldn't get himself to laugh along with him. Apparently, he never expected to learn something like this about the bluenette. Noticing the silence from the other, Horohoro's laughter ceased but his smile still remained and he raised a brow.

 

"Were you expecting a normal family?"

 

"No, I mean, it's just...I never knew."

 

"You never asked." Horohoro countered jokingly in an attempt to get the Chinese to lighten up. He didn't seem at all offended, actually he sounded rather carefree about it. But Ren went silent again, trying to think of another subject. But Horohoro could see the curious look in his golden eyes. He could see he had questions but was mentally debating on if it's right to ask or not. So the Ainu spared him the trouble.

 

"It's ok to ask."

 

"Ask what?" Ren said uncomfortably, still afraid that this was a touchy subject for his friend. But Horohoro still smiled at him as a way to tell him to relax and that it really was ok. He wanted him to know that he was fine with opening up to him.

 

"Whatever you want." Horohoro said with a shrug and just waited for whatever question will come first. Ren seemed unsettled at first but today, for whatever reason, silence was not on his side. So he took a breath and began quietly.

 

"Did your biological parents die?" Horohoro nodded, a sad glint crossing his eyes.

 

"In a fire when I was seven. I only remember a little about them now, but that's my most clearest memory." Ren felt a piercing shock at how young the Ainu was, how devastating it must have been for a child so small. Horohoro leaned back on the couch and took his obsidian eyes to the blank ceiling above him.

 

"I don't know how or when the fire started. I just woke up in the middle of the night 'cause of how hot it was and it was just there. Then my dad came with my sister and grabbed me too."

 

"Where was your mother?"

 

"She was with us too. But..." Horohoro trailed off and his lips went into a fine line.

 

"I don't know what happened." He whispered and shook his head. "We were on our way down the hall to the stairs...and something just fell on her. I think it was a piece of the ceiling...and she got stuck...but she told Dad to take me and Pilika first." Horohoro closed his eyes and his brows knitted, still able to recall the cruel flames, his mother's screams, his sister's tearful wails, and his father who was torn to choose between his children and his beloved wife. His father, he was such a strong man. But that night fear was striking through his veins in the presence of the flames. Horohoro saw those eyes brim with tears when he finally turned his back on his wife and fled the house. But he didn't let the tears fall in front of his children. Yes, he was strong to the very end.

 

_"Pilika, Horohoro, you guys stay here while I go back and get Mommy." The large man instructed to his children after placing them on the grass. They were at a safe distance from their burning home but the flames and thick smoke still held a frightening presence._

_"Daddy! No! No!" The little girl wailed frantically and reached out for her father who embraced her in his strong, comforting arms._

_"Don't worry, sweetie. I'll be right back with Mommy." He whispered lovingly and moved her over to her brother who took her hand. His father ruffled his son's messy blue locks and gave him a firm nod, silently giving him the duty of the older brother. His son bit his lip and suppressed his tears as he nodded back. He wanted to tell him not to go. Like his sister, he wanted to scream out for him to stay. But he knew better._

_"That's my man." His father said and his children watched him return to the flames. The daughter wailed through her tears and her brother squeezed the hand he still held._

_"Daddy! Daddy, no! Daddy!" The boy hugged his sister so she couldn't see his tears._

_"It's ok, Pilika...Dad'll come back with Mom. They'll come back alive." He promised his five-year-old sister in a voice so tight. He had to be strong. He had to be the big brother. Because he's daddy's little man._

 

Horohoro reopened his eyes and sighed to the reminiscence.

 

"After getting me and Pilika out, Dad went back for Mom...they didn't make it out." Ren swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat, petrified by the story. He didn't know what to say, so nothing came from him, and the bluenette continued.

 

"After that, me and my sister were put in an orphanage. It was just the two of us, and I did whatever I can to be a big brother." Ren nodded, clearly understanding that their bond grew strong.

 

"But that only lasted a year."

 

"You guys were adopted?" Ren asked and Horohoro nodded, taking on a lighter voice.

 

"It was awkward for the first few months but they took us in, making sure we knew they loved us." Horohoro smiled warmly and his voice went as tender as the fondness in his eyes.

 

"Even though we didn't share blood, we were family. And I never saw them as foster parents but I guess something like, my other real parents. I mean, I know it probably sounds weird to some people when I say all four of them are my real parents but—“

 

"No, it's not." Ren suddenly cut Horohoro off, startling the bluenette. There was a short pause, but then Ren began speaking.

 

"It's not weird at all. A lot of people choose either pair as their real parents for whatever reason. But you choose both because you accept them and you just can't choose. And I...I don't think that's weird at all." Horohoro nodded, surprised at how sincere Ren sounded. But more than that, he was relieved that his friend really did understand and he beamed a smile at him.

 

"Yeah, exactly. I love all four of them. And I had no reason not to accept my second parents. They always accepted me and Pilika. They accepted me even after they found out I'm bi." A look of shock crossed Ren's face upon hearing the last part.

 

"Wait, you're bisexual?" He asked with slightly widened eyes and Horohoro nodded at him.

 

"Yeah...and I take it you never knew."

 

"Well no, you never told me. And I always assumed you're gay 'cause..."

 

"'Cause you've never seen or heard about me fucking anyone other than you, let alone a chick?"

 

"Yeah..." Ren nodded to Horohoro's explanation which was a little too straightforward for him. But the Ainu just shrugged and chuckled like it wasn't a big deal, and Ren also came to feel the same.

 

"I guess I forgot to tell you. But yeah, I can go both ways. I mean, last relationship I had was with a girl back in high school." Ren felt himself freeze for a small moment.

 

"...What was she like?" He asked after a pause, not sure why he felt so uneasy all of a sudden. A part of him didn't even want to hear the answer, almost regretting that he even asked. He couldn't even understand that. The other part of him was curious to learn more about Horohoro. Unaware of this strange mix Ren inwardly felt, the bluenette answered casually.

 

"She was pretty cool. Fun, cute, smart. She was even open-minded enough to still want to be with me even after I told her I'm bi. I guess she's one of those girls you call perfect"

 

"So why aren't you still with Little Miss Perfect?" Horohoro raised a brow at Ren's bitter sarcasm. The Chinese didn't even intend on it coming out like that and he instantly shut his mouth in embarrassment. He didn't know what had possessed him to sound so acidic. His eyes shifted from Horohoro's gaze and he rephrased himself to avoid any awkward questions that he wouldn't be able to answer.

 

"So what happened?" Though still a little skeptical, Horohoro shrugged and decided to let it go.

 

"Well, even if I told her, I still wanted to keep my sexuality unknown to the rest of the school. Not everyone in the world accepts differences, you know? It's not that I was ashamed, I just wanted to avoid any bull shit." Horohoro sighed in what seemed like a mix of anger and disappointment.

 

"I've dated a few people before her, and there was this one guy back in middle school. We were doing great and lasted for a while. But then, one day I had to move. We didn't break up though, just kept in touch. But I guess the distance made me distant from him. Eventually, I broke up with him, and we just lived life without each other. About two years later, his dad's work transferred to my town and we met again in the same high school...just when I was dating my girlfriend."

 

"And he wasn't over you." Ren said, fully understanding the complication that had risen. Horohoro nodded, his face grim.

 

"Yeah, apparently he wasn't. Don't get me wrong, I loved him too. But...that was back then. And things changed...I changed..." Horohoro stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. He closed his eyes, his voice burning with guilt.

 

"I was a bastard, wasn't I?"

 

"No!" Ren quickly denied the question. "Some things don't last forever." He said quietly as he shook his head. Horohoro smiled sadly, so grateful that his friend understood so well. But his smile faded as quick as it came and he frowned guiltily again.

 

"He begged me so many times to get back with him...and when he found out about my girlfriend...I guess that pissed him off. Next thing I know, he's going around the school telling people I'm bi. And you know how gossip can spread like crazy in high school. It wasn't long 'til everyone knew. I guess he hoped that my girlfriend would eventually find out and break up with me, and I'd get so isolated that I'd get back with him. He never knew that she already knew."

 

"So there were no problems."

 

"...Not exactly. Like I said earlier, not everyone accepts differences." Horohoro let out a heavy breath to his reminiscence.

 

"Some guys jumped me while I was on my way home...stayed in the hospital for two months." Ren was too speechless to even gasp. His hands squeezed to tight fists as something beyond anger surged fiercely through his veins. Horohoro didn't notice any of this because he was staring at the floor.

 

"I was really lucky to know people who did accept me, like my family, especially Pilika, and my friends. They all visited me."

 

"What about your girlfriend?" Ren asked darkly, not missing the exclusion the bluenette made. Horohoro hesitated for a moment, obviously wishing that it was overlooked. Nonetheless, he answered the question.

 

"She came too. She looked so scared and worried when she just got the news. She came everyday...for the first week. But then her visits became less and less frequent and her stays became shorter each time. There was this one time I didn't see her for almost two weeks. And when I did finally see her...she broke up with me. And that was the last of her. When I got back to school, things were too awkward for us to even go back to being friends." Ren clenched the back of his teeth, mentally swearing murder on a girl he didn't even know. But what came out of him was another question.

 

"What about that ex?"

 

"He visited me once...cried through his whole stay. Wouldn't stop apologizing, kept saying he doesn't deserve me. After he went home, never saw him again. Later I found out he transferred to a different school. I guess he finally gave up. I just wish...he didn't blame himself so much."

 

"Are you saying you didn't!?" Ren almost yelled in disbelief to Horohoro's statement and the older male was appalled at his sudden outburst.

 

"If there's anyone to blame, it's those narrow minded bastards that put me in the hospital."

 

"You wouldn't have ended up in there if he had kept his mouth shut."

 

"Ren, he obviously didn't intend on me to get hurt." Horohoro was also starting to raise his voice.

 

"Physically, Horo, he didn't expect you to get hurt _physically_. He intended to hurt you otherwise!"

 

"Well just think how much _I_ hurt him! I mean, first I go away somewhere too far for us to even see each other and then I break up with him, giving him this shit about going our separate ways. And for two years after cutting each other out of our lives, he still loved me. And then he sees me again, only to find out I'm with someone else. Just think about what I put him through!"

 

"None of that gives him an excuse for what he did! You almost got killed because of him, Horo! Do you not see that!?"

 

"I do! It's just...I'm just saying, the story's not as one-sided as it seems." Horohoro said as calmly as he can. Ren also began to cool down, though his voice was still harsh.

 

"That doesn't mean you should easily forgive. And that ex-girlfriend, don't tell me you forgive her too." Horohoro didn't answer, and Ren looked at him with an expectant glare. The bluenette shunned his face away a bit, trying not to look back at the younger male because he knew his face was giving away the answer that would upset him. Sure enough, Ren was able to read through his silence and he made a fuming scowl. He made a growl through his teeth before speaking again with his voice risen once more.

 

"Gods, Horo, you're a bigger idiot than I thought! Just how can you forgive that bitch for practically abandoning you!?"

 

"Because I wasn't the only victim! She was going through shit just because people knew we were dating. She even lost a few friends. But I know she didn't really want to make that choice. I know it was hard for her to see me that day. I know that it hurt her to end it with me because I knew what a great girl she was. It hurt to lose her...but I didn't want to take her down with me. She didn't deserve that."

 

"And what did _you_ deserve?" Ren retorted in a low voice, obviously not intending to back down. He had calmed down after hearing out Horohoro but the resentment on his face clearly showed that the bluenette's justification meant nothing to him. He still refused to sympathize these people. And the Ainu sighed irritably at that.

 

"You know what? Let's just drop this subject all together, alright?"

 

"...Fine." Ren reluctantly agreed to Horohoro's proposal, despite how unsatisfied he was.


	10. Chapter 7 Part 4

The air between the two had gone foully crossed and they didn't say anything for a while. The TV remained off and the book Ren was reading earlier was totally forgotten. They just sat there on the couch, taking their eyes anywhere but to each other, the same stubbornness keeping them from talking or even moving. Ren actually almost stormed out of the room when Horohoro ended their earlier dispute. But then he remembered, this was his house and he figured that if anyone was to leave, it was Horohoro. He would've told the bluenette to get out, but he knew how irrational that would be. So the older male remained, either because the idea to leave never occurred to him or he refused for whatever reason. Either way, he remained, and they were left in this soundless stillness that echoed with only the clocks ticking.

 

Such a subtle situation couldn't last long.

 

Especially for these two.

 

"Why do you care?" Horohoro's voice, which was surprisingly leveled, washed away the quiet. Ren turned to him, his confusion to the question breaking the monotone on his face. Horohoro looked back, and they both saw on each other's faces that the previous strife had passed.

 

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking to pick a fight. But what I talked about, that was way back in high school. You never even knew these guys. It was before we even knew each other, before we became part of each other's lives. I put it behind me...but you lost it like I was telling you something that happened just yesterday. I just wanna know why."

 

"...It just irritates me that you were stupid enough to let something so ridiculously wrong get by like that." Horohoro chuckled amusedly to Ren's explanation. The vocalist said it like it was a retorting insult but the bluenette can read between the lines.

 

"It's true." Ren added poutishly, making Horohoro laugh even more.

 

"Sorry, I'm not making fun of you. It's just nice to know someone cares about you so much, ya know?" Horohoro beamed a wide smile at Ren, who instantly went silent as he felt heat flush his cheeks. He looked away from the Ainu to the floor, seeing his friend did have a point. And he began to wonder himself why he got so edgy, almost excessively. It wasn't like him to become so discomposed over a series of events that he was completely unrelated to. Regardless of the contents, Horohoro did seem to have gotten over that history, further emphasizing its possible irrelevance.

 

"...Do you still love her?"

 

"Where'd that come from?" Ren wanted to ask himself the same thing. Or rather, he'd ask from himself the point of the question. He really didn't know why he asked, it just slipped out. He was just thinking about Horohoro's ex-boyfriend and what happened, what the bluenette had been through. And then, his thoughts led to _her_ , that girl whose name he didn't even know, but was apparently the bluenette's last lover. And then, he contemplates once more on what he has been through and wonders if someone can really let go of all that. Can he really take it all into disregards? How much relevance or irrelevance can he really give it? He claims he forgives them. He says he forgives her. And then...

 

"I'm just wondering. You say you forgive her, which by the way, I still think is stupid, when you have every right to despise her for just dumping you like that. You even try to tell me what a great person she was as if to defend her. And then to top it off, you mentioned that she was the last person you had a relationship with. And...I just wondered." There. That was the truth that led Ren to his question. That, and there was the unmentioned part about Horohoro's sullen expression that captured Ren the instant he saw it. That look that was so deeply profound, but at the same time, so heavy-hearted with desire. It can very well be connected to her. But Ren still couldn't tell himself what the point of the question was. He didn't know what he would supposedly do when Horohoro answered it. All he knew was, there's a sort of anxiety he felt when he asked, and he wanted—needed to know the answer.

 

"Well, the answer is no. I did love her back then, and she was a great person. And it did hurt to lose her. But that was back then and it's all behind me. What I felt for her is not in me anymore. Like you said, some things don't last forever." After Horohoro finished himself, to Ren's ambiguity, the Chinese felt relief nestle inside him.

 

"But..."

 

"But what?" Ren asked as Horohoro sounded like he's about to make a confession.

 

"But I guess I'd be lying if I said I forgave them from the start." Horohoro made a bitter smile and Ren couldn't say anything. His obsidian eyes were so distant...and hurt.

 

"I did blame my ex-boyfriend. When he came to see me at the hospital...the whole time he was there crying and apologizing, I didn't say one word to him. Gave him not one look, just stared out the window until he finally left. It's probably why he transferred schools. And then, I felt like matters came to worst when my girlfriend dumps me while I'm still in the goddamn hospital bed. I thought she'd always be there because we had something strong enough, but apparently I was wrong. So you're right, I couldn't just forgive them just like that." Ren still couldn't bring a word to come out of himself. He hated that he couldn't say anything inspiring to console Horohoro like the Ainu had done for him. But the bluenette smiled at him, not so afflicted with sorrow as he was before, and shrugged.

 

"It took me a long time to get over it. And after I began to think about and understand the positions they were in, I finally came to forgive them."

 

"That's...a lot to get over." Ren said in almost a whisper and Horohoro just chuckled. The Chinese knew that his friend had no idea of how much he meant in what he just said. It's not just the prejudice and double betrayal of loved ones, there's also the tragedy of his parents. There's so much the bluenette had to overcome and even through that, he still finds room for forgiveness somewhere in himself. He's been through so much and he's come to become the person he is now. Ren wondered, just how much strength and capacity was in his friend's heart.

 

"But you know," Horohoro suddenly began and Ren pulled out of his thoughts and listened.

 

"I felt like I was being punished for...just loving. So after it all, I thought, so this is it." Horohoro scoffed bitterly and Ren furrowed his brows.

 

"What'd you mean?" Horohoro took his eyes away from Ren's and sighed.

 

"I just thought...it's not worth it. That I didn't want it anymore." Something inside Ren crumbled and collapsed upon hearing those words. He was never one to adopt the ideals or logic of love, for his understanding of it was weakness. But he didn't understand why Horohoro would say that. He didn't want know why but Ren didn't want him to say it. It didn't mean that he didn't believe in love, it meant he lost his belief in it. It meant Horohoro gave up on love.

 

"Is that why she was the last one?" Horohoro still wouldn't look at Ren and his silence was enough to answer the younger male. There was another long, compressing pause coming, Horohoro knew, and he didn't want that. So he turned back to Ren with a smile, hard to tell if it was forced or not, and his voice was light-hearted.

 

"Maybe not a serious relationship after that, but I've always had my occasional flings."

 

"Really?" Ren asked, a little surprised at the telling and the sudden change in attitude. For a second he wondered if he was part of that list but a voice inside of him answered that, of course he was. He ignored the piercing feeling in his chest.

 

"Even after you left Oversoul?" He asked slowly, not sure if he even wanted to hear the answer.

 

"Well yeah," Horohoro answered casually so as not to sound as awkward as he felt. The only reason he did so was to forget Ren, which obviously, didn't work.

 

"I still had to get laid. I mean, haven't you had any after you stopped sleeping with Yoh?"

 

"Wait, how'd you know about me and Yoh?"

 

"Yoh told me." Horohoro shrugged and continued. "So, you gonna answer or what?"

 

"...No, I haven't...had any." Ren answered uneasily and Horohoro's jaws dropped with widened eyes.

 

"Are you serious!?" One of Ren's eyes twitched and he glared at Horohoro who quickly raised his hands in defense.

 

"Uh, I mean, that's ok if you're alright with that. I'm just surprised, I guess, 'cause you'd be able to get anyone you wanted." Ren shrugged with a careless hn, not giving any valid response to that statement. And when Horohoro saw that he won't be getting any response at all, he quietly asked,

 

"Do you ever wish to go back?"

 

"To what?"

 

"...With Yoh." The bluenette added hesitantly.

 

"No." Ren's response was unexpectedly blunt and he went on dryly. "If he wanted to stop, then that's fine. It doesn't matter to me."

 

"...What about with me?" There, he asked the question that was always there. Ren stared at Horohoro, lost for words, unable to read the bluenette's expression. He definitely wasn't joking, but he didn't look gravely serious. The Chinese didn't know how to take it. It wasn't wavering, just still and unchanging, almost patient for Ren's answer. And that's what Horohoro wanted, he wanted to know what the younger male thought, what he wants, how he felt. He's tired of always anxiously wondering, he wants answers. And Ren couldn't escape from his awaiting midnight gaze.

 

A cell phone rings.

 

Horohoro realizes that it's his and he picks up.

 

"Hello? Hey, 'sup?...Really?...Uh, sorry, I totally forgot...Yeah, I'm on my way." Once he hung up, Horohoro got on his feet.

 

"Forgot I was suppose to hang out with some friends tonight." He explained and Ren walked him to the door.

 

"You're lucky the rain stopped." Ren stated when he opened the door and noticed the cleared sky. The seemed to have set a while ago and streetlights began to blink on. Horohoro got his shoes on and turned to Ren when he stepped outside.

 

"Hey, thanks for the stay." He said casually to Ren as if the previous conversation didn't even happen.

 

"No problem." Ren replied and closed the door as Horohoro walked away.

 

It was later that night Ren recalled the conversation again to himself. He sat cross-legged on his couch with a cushion held tightly to his chest, staring at no particular point on the floor. Every time he thought about the look on Horohoro's face when the bluenette asked the question, his own face would flush and he'd have to bury it into the cushion as if to hide it from himself. The way he felt, the way he couldn't react, the way he couldn't even utter a single word…he couldn't explain all that.

 

The stumped male lifted his head from his cushion at the sound of his phone's ringing. Sluggishly he shifted from his comfortable spot with an upset grunt and grabbed his phone.

 

"Hello?"

 

"'Ello, Ren?...It's me." Ren sputtered choked up coughs at the voice of the bluenette who was the core of his puzzlement, almost stumbling backwards.

 

"You 'kay, Ren?" Ren then raised a brow, noticing that Horohoro's speech was slightly slurred and he sounded strangely giddy. He was drunk, and realizing this, Ren could also make out the music and noise in the background.

 

"Yeah, I'm fine. What's up?"

 

"N-nothin', jus called t' see how you're 'oin."

 

"Maybe you should worry more about yourself."

 

"Pfft, wh't ever." Horohoro scoffed and Ren rolled his eyes.

 

"Did you call for anything else?"

 

"...Nope! But dude, we sh'l totally han'out again sometime!"

 

"Ok, sure baka Horo."

 

"'Ey! I tol' you—“ Ren hung up the phone, knowing there would be no end if he didn't. But he chuckled a little, admitting to himself that he was pretty amused. He returned to the couch and lie down on it, his smile remaining. He stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering why he felt so pleased just by a call that the Ainu made. Actually, if he thought about it, there was a lot of things he couldn't seem to explain to himself.

 

_Do you ever wish to go back to that?_

_What about with me?_

 

Ren's smile faded, and he closed his eyes, hoping the black will shut out his voice.


	11. Chapter 8

"Why am I here again?" Ren heaved a deliberate sigh as he folded his arms with a scowl.

 

"I invited you." Horohoro replied without notice and took a sip out of his beer bottle. Ren eyed him sharply for his blunt attitude.

 

"You said we were going to the beach." His tone indicated that his irritation rose by a slight scale.

 

"We are at the beach." Horohoro stated and gestured his hand at the said beach in front of them. Ren stressed his irritation further with a hard glare.

 

"You never mentioned _this_!" He hissed and pointed in the other direction at a big mass of people drinking and smoking and dancing to the blaring music. The two were at a party in a club, standing at a bar, which was away at a distance that made it more outside the crowd. But it was still too close for Ren's taste and he was beginning to get really pissed off because Horohoro only told him half the truth. The club they were at had two stories, which is where they were at, and they were able to _overlook_ the beach.

 

"Why couldn't you bring Yoh?" Ren asked through his teeth and Horohoro shrugged.

 

"He's with Manta and I didn't want to bother them."

 

"What about Faust?"

 

"You know he doesn't hang around this kind of stuff." Ren made a low growl and tried not to scream as he spoke.

 

"So you don't bother those three but you bother me. You know I don't like this kind of stuff, why'd you bring _me_?!" Horohoro rolled his eyes.

 

"I haven't seen you in like forever 'cause you guys have been working so much."

 

"You couldn't think of something else?" Horohoro sighed at Ren's continuous retorts.

 

"Come on Ren, it's been a while. I wanted to hang out with you again." Ren felt his heart skip a beat at that last sentence and was oddly frustrated when he felt the heat in his body rise to his face. He somehow suppressed his cheeks from flushing but his attempt to maintain stoic was futile.

 

"B-baka, that doesn't answer my—“

 

"Horohoro?" The said male and his stammering friend looked to the voice that cut Ren off in mid-sentence.

 

"It really is you!" Hao walked up to the two with an awestruck smile.

 

"’Sup Hao? Didn't know you were in town." Horohoro greeted casually and smiled back. The brunette laughed as he got himself a drink as well.

 

"Some of the models arranged this party and one of them invited me." His tone spelled out the word typical and Horohoro rolled his eyes. Hao was a world famous model that also made occasional appearances in movies, widely acclaimed for his gorgeous looks and sexy yet mysterious charms. It was typical for him to be invited to every party and shag anyone he wishes, despite how busy he may be. It fed his ego by making him further aware of his tremendous popularity that was enough to rival Oversoul.

 

"So what about you? Last time I checked, you were gone for so long Yoh was convinced you were gone for good. But seeing you're with Ren," Hao gave a glance and a wave at the vocalist as if to prove he was noticed and not being ignored. Then he took his attention right back to the bluenette and continued.

 

"I'm assuming Yoh knows you're back. He never told me anything though, probably because he couldn't get a hold of me." The twins' hectic schedules never seem to interfere in their bond, as they often kept in touch with each other. But it was nothing unusual when they couldn't fill each other in a thing or two. And it was because of this bond that Hao gave Horohoro an inquisitive look, silently prying for an explanation for the bluenette's disappearance that upset his younger brother at the time. Horohoro pretended he didn't notice the displeased stare he was receiving and took a few more drinks from his bottle. Hao eyed him skeptically for a few more seconds, and then turned away to the crowd.

 

"You planning to leave again anytime soon?" The brunette asked as he lit himself a cigarette. He decided to let go of his previous prying like the smoke that dispersed into pieces in the air he blew them out into. No longer sensing the slightly hostile pressure from the brunette, Horohoro inwardly sighed with relief.

 

"I'll probably stay a little longer. Why?" Horohoro turned to Hao again who absentmindedly stared at the smoke that rose out of his cigarette.

 

"Well, I'm gonna be staying for a while longer." Hao began and took another drag from his cigarette. He then paused for a moment, his face as mellow as his voice.

 

"Maybe we could hang out some time." He turned to Horohoro again with a laid back smile identical to his twin brother. For a second the Ainu thought the statement was as innocent as Hao made it sound. But as identical as the twins were, there was always something that made them distinctly different. Horohoro didn't know how to put them in exact words but he knew better than to let the older twin's false pretense make him forget.

 

"Not gonna happen." Horohoro said boredly in a flat tone. Unexpectedness dawned on Hao's face for a short instant to such a response but it was immediately replaced with his calm but amused smile.

 

"Why not?" He countered with so much visible confidence that it was obvious how clueless he really wasn't. It didn't matter to him that Horohoro had already caught on to his ulterior intentions. In fact, the Ainu could tell that the brunette was enjoying the turn their conversation had taken.

 

"Because I know you want to do more than just hang out." Horohoro said dryly and Hao laughed lightheartedly at the exact words he expected to get from him.

 

"There are different ways people can hang out." He said casually and continued to smoke the rest of his cigarette as he waited for Horohoro's next comeback. But the Ainu just stared back at him while being as silent as he was. When Hao got nothing from Horohoro by the time he finished his cigarette, he chuckled and crushed it in an ash tray. His lips, which were shaped in its phantom smile, began to curve further upward crookedly. And then there it was, his sly trademark of a smirk that could belong to none other than Hao. That dark, devious look that outlined his very individual character that defined him from Yoh and everyone else. He took a graceful step towards Horohoro, making sure he securely locked eyes with the bluenette as he spoke quietly.

 

"You know, we can just ditch this party, go wherever and..." Hao trailed off there, knowing he didn't have to go further. His voice dripped shamelessly with lustful suggestion. That cunning, predatory glint coloring his chocolate eyes was another one of his defining features. But Horohoro didn't turn away from him; instead he looked straight into those all too confident eyes with a cocky smile himself.

 

"Sorry, not interested." Hao shrugged, not seeming at all troubled in maintaining himself.

 

"It can just be a one-time thing."

 

"I don't believe this." Horohoro and Hao turned to Ren who made that cynical comment, reminding them that he was still there. The Chinese made a quick glance at Hao and scoffed, shaking his head to the model's unbelievable persistence.

 

"I'm sorry, am I making you jealous?" Hao snickered mockingly and raised a challenging brow at Ren. The shorter male glowered maliciously at him, detesting the Asakura's immense ego.

 

"Do you think—“

 

"Hao! There you are!" Ren was interrupted for the second time that night, this time by an unrecognized female voice. The three looked to the source of the voice and a young woman of wavy black hair and slender, shapely body approached them. Along with her proportions, the way she looked at Hao poutishly with her porcelain face made it easy to figure out that she was one of the models the brunette was talking about.

 

"I thought you were just getting a drink? Or did you just forget about me?"

 

"Hey I'm sorry, didn't mean to make you wait long. Just ran into a couple of friends." Hao put an arm around the girl's shoulders and pecked a kiss on her cheek.

 

"Guys, this is Candise, the lovely girl who kindly invited me to this party her and her friends arranged." The girl now known as Candise giggled, apparently flattered by Hao's introduction.

 

"Candise, this is Horohoro and Ren." Candise shook hands with the two with a friendly smile, seeming to have forgotten how displeased she was earlier. She then cocked her head to the side a little and her face lit up with realization.

 

"Aren't you guys from Oversoul?"

 

"Well one of still is." Horohoro chuckled and Candise laughed with him, quite apparent that she was thrilled to meet them. Before they could really start any more conversations, a new song came on and her smile broadened.

 

"I love this song!"

 

"Well let’s go then." Hao took the girl's hand, making her blush slightly. They began walking to the crowd but paused abruptly halfway there. Hao turned his head to Ren and Horohoro.

 

"You guys wanna come too?"

 

"Yeah, I'm sure the girls would love to meet you guys." Candise added enthusiastically to Hao's idea. Horohoro glanced at Ren, knowing it wasn't favorable to his friend to accept the invitation.

 

"Actually, I think—“

 

"Go ahead, Horo." Ren cut the bluenette off before he can make the decline. Horohoro's eyes widened just a bit.

 

"Ren, we don't have to—“

 

"I wasn't talking about us, I'm telling _you_ to go ahead with them."

 

"I'm not gonna just ditch you."

 

"Look Horo, I don't have to have you by my side every damn second. I'll enjoy this however way I want, and you do how you want."

 

"Alright...fine." Horohoro sighed and frowned confusedly with a shrug. Ren's aggravated tone made it clear that he wanted to be left alone, and the bluenette couldn't figure out any reason for the sudden mood swing. Nonetheless he asked nothing and turned away from the Chinese, following after Hao and Candise.

 

"Isn't he coming?" Candise asked and took a look at Ren.

 

"No...he's had a lot of drinks and isn't feeling good."

 

"Really? Well he can come by when he feels better."

 

"Yeah, I'm sure he will." Horohoro made a casual smile that made his lie convincing enough for Candise to buy it. Of course, Hao knew better than to really believe the vocalist could've had that many drinks but he kept that to himself. He took a quick glance over his shoulder at Ren with a smug smirk plastered on his face, enjoying the interesting twist the night had taken. Ren watched Horohoro who didn't bother to look back as he disappeared into the dancing crowd.

 

Thirty minutes passed since then but it felt like the longest hour to Ren. The vocalist got himself a table in the VIP area, one that was a private space curtained to shut him out of the rest of the club. It was the only thing that kept anyone from disturbing him but it still didn't really give him anything to do. He didn't want to drink much because he was a lightweight, and he wasn't interested in inviting any strangers, let alone any girls. He let out an exasperated sigh and rested his chin in his hand. He might as well be sleeping.

 

"I can see you're having fun." Ren looked up and met eyes with Hao opening the curtain a bit and sticking his head in. Ren said nothing in response to his remark. The brunette didn't seem to care as he let himself in and sat next to him.

 

"Aw, are you still mad about earlier? You should've come with us, at least it's something to do."

 

"Bull shit." Ren muttered acidicly and took a sip out of his glass. Hao reached out to get a taste but the vocalist pulled it away and eyed him warningly. Hao just laughed it off.

 

"Then again," The model began in a low voice and looked at Ren with a coy grin.

 

"Yeah, maybe it wouldn't have been in your best interest. You know those girls won't leave him alone. I mean, you should've seen Candise's friends. They were all over him. And then you would've seen me with him. But you know me, I wouldn't make it so obvious...except to Horo, of course." Ren could feel Hao's penetrating gaze that dared him to look back but he made sure not to. Hao was somehow quite good at reading people and the Chinese knew that his thoughts would be easily seen right now. That would put him in disadvantage because the Tao believed that the brunette was right. He didn't join them not just because he didn't want to dance but also because of who else was there. Especially with Hao being there to deliberately get in his face, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to hold back his provoked self. And there was a sure chance Hao would entertain himself with that. Ren clenched the back of his teeth so the model couldn't see, hating how it felt like he was still just letting the Asakura have his fun.

 

"Am I supposed to care?" He asked while managing a flat tone only for Hao to still laugh.

 

"Seriously though, what's the point in just sitting here doing absolutely nothing? Horohoro probably would've done what he can to keep you company so you wouldn't get bored." Hao paused with a raised brow but Ren's lips were in a fine line on his monotone face. The brunette shrugged to the unresponding male and went on, no tease in his voice now.

 

"He looked around for you when he saw you weren't at the bar anymore. I bet he's still looking." Hao's eyes peered between the curtains' opening and stopped.

 

"In fact...there he is now." He said and slowly rose to his feet. Ren whipped his head to where Hao was facing but couldn't find where he could see the Ainu. Hao chuckled amusedly at his reaction and stepped out of the space, flipping the curtain a little exaggeratedly as if to give away a hiding space. He smiled playfully at Ren and gave a wink. When he was gone, almost immediately Horohoro appeared, probably on account of Hao's exit. Ren's heart crashed at his chest, startled by the Ainu's sudden and unexpected appearance.

 

"You ok?" Horohoro asked and Ren nodded.

 

"Yeah, sure. Why?"

 

"Just wondering what you're doing here with Hao."

 

"He just came by and we talked a little."

 

"Alright, that's cool. Can I sit there?"

 

"Yeah, go ahead." Horohoro let himself in and took a seat next to Ren on the leather sofa.

 

"You know, maybe you wouldn't be so bored if you'd just socialize a little."

 

"I never said I was bored."

 

"Well, are you having fun?"

 

"Who's fault do you think it is in the first place?" Ren asked with a glare, growling lowly to Horohoro's comment that actually made more sense than his own. But Ren's point sent a tinge of guilt through Horohoro. He didn't like the thought of his friend spending the night bored out of his mind because of himself. He then grinned ear to ear with an idea, and tapped the younger male's shoulder.

 

"Hey Ren, bet you can't do this." With that, the bluenette stuck out his tongue at the Chinese and curved it into a roll. Ren furrowed his brows curiously for a moment and took a closer look, then rolled his eyes ridiculously with a scoff.

 

"Why would I do something so stupid?" He pointedly asked, not even looking at Horohoro's trick anymore. But the older male snickered cleverly.

 

"I bet you can't."

 

"No, it's stupid and I don't do stupid things."

 

"So you _can’t_ do it." Horohoro put much emphasis on the certain word that triggered Ren to look at him again.

 

"I probably can, just won't."

 

"Oh _probably_ , that's convincing." Ren glared daggers at Horohoro but the bluenette put on a challenging smirk.

 

"Do you like making a fool of yourself in public?"

 

"Who else is looking? Come on, just prove it." Horohoro curved his tongue again.

 

"I'm not going to put up with your childish games."

 

"Oh that's right, you said probably. Which means maybe...or maybe not."

 

"Shut up, Horo." Ren warned as his patience was wearing thin to the Ainu's taunts. Horohoro kept laughing as he stood up and left the table. Ren's amber eyes watched him leave, wondering but not asking where he's going. He took a few drinks from his glass and then looked into it, his reflection staring back.

 

_I bet you can't._

 

Ren grimaced at the echoing voice. The irritated and stubborn male stuck out a shy tongue. It flattened and bulked as he tried to mold it into the proper shape like Horohoro, but it would not appear so in the glass. He even wiggled it and began to cock his head, getting more and more aggravated at his continuous failures. He got so absorbed in his determination that he never realized how comical the scene was. That was, until the presence of another was pointed out by a muffled giggle.

 

Ren quickly retrieved his tongue back into his mouth while his face burned like it was on fire. He looked to the curtain where Horohoro stood crouched with shaking shoulders, one hand holding a drink and the other holding his stomach. His fit of laughter was stifled as he desperately tried to hold it in but it seemed he had enough trouble keeping himself from rolling on the floor as he put a hand from his stomach to the table to keep standing. Ren's eyes narrowed viciously with his face still flushed, and he clenched his hands to tight fists.

 

"W-why're you back!?" Ren hissed at Horohoro who continued to fight his laughter, making the Chinese put up with a full minute of humiliation before he could speak again.

 

"I...I..." Horohoro made attempts to explain himself but giggles worked their way and interfered. Ren kept himself from breaking the bluenette's jaw as the Ainu sucked in deep breaths to calm himself. He cleared his throat once he did but there was a grin still remaining across his face.

 

"I never said I wasn't gonna be back. Just got myself a drink." He said and lifted his glass to show Ren.

 

"Wish I had a camera, though." He added and Ren flared once again.

 

"Shut up, Horohoro, or I swear I will tear out that tongue."

 

"Why? Because it can do what yours can't?"

 

"I can to do it."

 

"Then do it right now." Horohoro challenged Ren who to his utter dismay, motionlessly sat defeated. Horohoro returned to the sofa next to his friend with a bit of apology in his smile and shrugged.

 

"It's alright, not everyone can do it."

 

"...It's stupid anyway. What good is it if I'm able to?"

 

"Well nothing, I guess. Except..."

 

"Except what?" Horohoro smirked at Ren who looked at him oddly.

 

"Probably makes me a better kisser."

 

"Stupid once again." Ren stated bluntly to Horohoro's self-proclaim.

 

"Hey, you need your tongue when you kiss, and mine is obviously more talented than yours." Ren rolled his eyes at Horohoro, not intending to even respond to such ridicule. But then his mind clicked. He didn't like the thought of playing along with the Ainu's foolish taunts, but the idea of letting him have the last laugh he didn't like even more.

 

"Oh yeah?" The Tao began and there was a mischievous glint in his golden eyes. "Prove it."

 

"What?" Horohoro looked at Ren with widened eyes but the Chinese smirked at him provocatively.

 

"You heard me. If you're so sure of yourself, prove it." The younger male repeated and in a whisper he added, "I dare you." He leaned back on the sofa, already looking triumphant, ready to call checkmate. Even if they were at a private table to worry about any witnesses, their only barrier was the curtains. Plus this was a club. The younger male knew the bluenette couldn't do anything because it was too risky. But despite such estimates, the Ainu moved up closer to Ren on the sofa. The Chinese tensed when the older male came face to face to him and closed in further.

 

"Sure." Horohoro said quietly and Ren's heart stopped. _He wouldn't..._ Ren told himself but the bluenette's gaze was confident as he slowly bridged the gap between them. And the shorter male couldn't move back because he had already leaned back all the way on the sofa, and he couldn't dodge him because his pride wouldn't let him back down on his own dare. When Horohoro's lips were just inches away, Ren's smirk was gone and his heart sent tremors through his body. Yet the Ainu kept drawing in closer, and Ren slowly shut his eyes in surrender to his own dare that clearly backfired.

 

"You know, you never answered my question." Horohoro's deep voice brought the amber eyes to open again. Something that wasn't his lips brushed soft flutters on Ren's. The younger male saw that Horohoro had come so close, it was enough to kiss. And he spoke from that range, making every word felt. But Ren never spoke back, perhaps in fear that if he did, their lips actually will touch. Despite how intoxicating that tempt was...this was still a dare. His game. And he hates losing.

 

"The question I asked you that one rainy day." Horohoro said again after getting nothing from Ren. He maintained this alluring distance and Ren almost shuddered to the electrical wave sent down his spine. For a second his mind went blank and he didn't know what the Ainu was talking about.

 

_Do you want to go back to that?_

 

It suddenly hit him and his mouth went dry and slightly agape to what could now possibly be a new game. He saw Horohoro try to take advantage of his parted lips by moving again but the older male suddenly stopped. Not for any strategic tease, Ren could see some sort of caution in the obsidian eyes that weren't looking at him anymore but shifted to the curtains. The bluenette smoothly moved away to his original spot and drank out of his glass, making Ren feel an awkward disappointment.

 

"Hey Horo? Ren?" A second later, Hao stuck his head in from the curtains and made Ren flinch. Horohoro looked up with a hum, making himself look casual. It was then apparent to Ren that it was the model the bluenette sensed approaching.

 

"I've met a few more girls who wanna meet you guys too."

 

"Sure." The bluenette nodded and stood. "You coming, Ren?" He turned around to the younger male who didn't even move from his spot.

 

"Uh n-no, you go ahead." Ren said nervously, quickly shifting his eyes away from both men's gaze. Horohoro shrugged and went off with Hao as if nothing peculiar had happened. Ren remained like he was still bound in the moment by a snake coiled around his neck. He soon came to realize that he was breathing unevenly because he had been holding his breath. He next found that his heart was still running wild in it's ribcage like an unsettled bird. he put a hand to his chest and took breaths to calm himself. Even if he was back to his regular breathing, his heart was still skipping beats and his face was still hot. He swallowed hard and touched his lips as if Horohoro might have left something behind. That's how close he was. But the Chinese got nothing and his lips tickled with an unsatisfied itch. And then, Ren wondered...when was the last time they actually kissed?


	12. Chapter 9

Ren ran a hand through his dark hair with a thoughtful gaze on the table, contemplating on tonight's close-call incident. As far as he knew, he didn't have to worry about Hao. The brunette looked oblivious enough to have thought he and Horohoro were really just conversing, thanks to the bluenette's tactics. But Ren was more concerned about himself, more specifically his train of thoughts. He started off brooding over Horohoro's lips and its touch, even trying to remember how they've felt before. Then he ends up reminiscing on what those kisses always led to. And now, all he can do is wonder. Just wonder.

 

_Do you want to go back to that?_

 

Ren sighed and closed his eyes, picturing Horohoro's unreadable face that asked him that question. Why had the bluenette asked him that anyway? Was he just curious of what answer Ren might have given him, or was there more behind it? The vocalist didn't even get to answer him. If more time was given, if time didn't even matter, what might he have said? Ren didn't even know if he had an answer ready, let alone if he would've gotten one ready at all. But if Horohoro really meant for them to go back to what they had…Ren didn't have any reason to say no. Otherwise none of it would've happened in the past.

 

Ren shook his head and dropped it into his hands, taking a detour from the direction his mind was going in. He didn't want to go further with this because he knows there's no point if he did. He's gone through this with himself before, over and over again, always coming to the same conclusion. After Horohoro separated from Oversoul, Ren eventually came to accept a fact he's been denying back when they were sleeping together. And it is because of this acceptance that he hesitates to even consider going back.

 

Since when has it been? At some point during their relationship, Ren stopped looking into Horohoro's eyes. Whenever the bluenette was below him, whenever Ren was inside him, he made sure he'd never look into those eyes. Even if he'd be staring at that face, he'd look at anything but that obsidian gaze. That gaze full of pleasure and yet... and yet it was wrong. There was something wrong. The closest word Ren could come up with was pain. He'll admit that he was rough, and honestly, he never tried to be gentle. But what he saw in those eyes was pain in a different meaning. But Ren ignored them even if he'd feel like the gaze could bore a hole right through him. Even though he already knew that he was feeling a sense of incongruity. What they had was somewhat warped, and he knew it. But he always just turned away, pretending he never even noticed. He denied it all and pretended he forgot after they would both climax.

 

Ren's face went grim and he pinched the bridge of his nose. _Why am I even thinking about this? ...It's all over now._ He repeated that last part to himself as if he might forget in mere seconds. But he's really trying to pretend again. He already knows he wants Horohoro again. His body yearns for him again. But Ren was still unsure about that connection that's distorted somewhere.

 

"Hey," Ren emerged out of his absorbency to an all-too-familiar voice, and looked up at where Horohoro stood.

 

"Let's go." The Ainu said and nodded back towards the exit.

 

"What?"

 

"We're leaving."

 

"Why?" Ren asked and gave Horohoro an odd stare, confused by the sudden proposal.

 

"We might as well just leave and find something better to do."

 

"And you just realized this." Ren stated with a sarcastic scoff and folded his arms. Horohoro sighed and sat next to him but the younger male wouldn't even look at him.

 

"Look, I'm sorry I brought you here. We'll do whatever you want, I promise." Ren still said nothing even though all he can hear was sincere apology in the Ainu's voice. The vocalist could already feel forgiveness waking to that sincerity, but he chose to hide it in more of his poutish silence. It's true that he wanted to leave the club as soon as he can, he didn't know how much longer he can take it in there. But he didn't intend on forgiving Horohoro so easily. And to that, the older man's guilty frown deepened.

 

"Come on, we can go the beach. I mean it this time. Please, Ren?" Horohoro's plea earned him Ren's golden gaze to avert his way. Ren could see no sigh of jest on the young Ainu's face, a solid proof that he really meant to make it up to his friend. Ren heaved a sigh, reluctantly allowing himself to the mercy of forgiveness.

 

The two managed to leave the party without running into Hao or his friends, and they reached the beach in less than ten minutes. The sea breeze sent a pleasant chill through the night air and chased out the toxins that filled Ren's lungs from the party. Horohoro smiled to himself as he watched the vocalist's face take on a more serene look to the gentle sounds of the waves.

 

"So what now?" Ren asked as he gazed out at the endless waters.

 

"We can take a walk, go swimming. Whatever you wanna do."

 

"…A walk sounds good." And that's what the two did. They carried themselves along their sandy path, slowly and silently. But it wasn't an awkward silence, rather comfortable really, peaceful even. And as odd as it may be to them, there was no one else around. They had this moment of tranquility to themselves, like it was theirs to keep.

 

They continued down the smooth shore for some time but it wasn't long until they reached a different kind of landscape. It was sand all the same, just now there were a few sharp rocks and boulders individually scattered here and there, pointing towards the sky. Horohoro spotted one that was particularly larger and taller than the rest, its tip reaching out to the sky above them and out towards the sea like a cliff. The bluenette watched it for a few seconds, and then beamed at it with an excited grin. Ren recognized that energetic glint spark in those dark, obsidian eyes. The one that indicated an idea Ren would not approve.

 

"What'd you see?" Ren tried the question with a raised brow.

 

"A great dive." Horohoro said as he already began to take off his shirt.

 

"You're kidding me!" Ren's jaws dropped at the outrageous idea but Horohoro ignored him and kicked off his shoes. "Horo, it could be freezing in there."

 

"So?" Horohoro shrugged and removed his pants, making Ren's eyes widen with disbelief; he was serious. The bluenette already ran off to the massive rock and began to climb it. Ren reluctantly picked up his friend's belongings and walked over to the rock too. He decided to wait for Horohoro at the bottom, placing his shoes and clothes neatly on top of a smaller rock to avoid the splashes of the washing tides. He looked up at the cliff-like rock and the Ainu had reached the top.

 

"You know you might hit a rock in the water." Ren called out at Horohoro who responded only with the same childish grin. "Idiot." Ren whispered to himself but couldn't help but smile as well. He shook his head with a chuckle, not sure if he was impressed or just dumbfounded at how the older male can sometimes just act so randomly on his impulses. Horohoro took a few steps back, paused, and made a dash. He makes a jump into the air and manages a flip along the way of his fall and dives in with a foamy splash. Ren watched with his amber eyes unblinking. Of course, the Chinese was capable of doing it. It was barely a stunt to him. But he was rather impressed with how gracefully the Ainu pulled it off; he didn't know he had it in him. In a few seconds, Horohoro's head emerged through the surface, a proud smile spread across his face.

 

"Happy now, baka Horo?"

 

"You'd be too if you tried."

 

"Don't even start." Ren rolled his eyes as Horohoro laughed and swam towards him. When it was shallow enough, he walked with the opposing water swishing around him, and Ren waited at the base of the rock. He stopped when he was still in the water from the hip down.

 

"You're missing out." The bluenette said and spread his arms out as if to welcome Ren to join him in the water.

 

"Missing out on what?" Ren countered with folded arms and an arrogant smirk. He waited for the older male's response but the Ainu stared back at him in silence like he's waiting for the Chinese to just give in. Such an idea was flat out silly to Ren and he let himself stare back stubbornly, letting the moment stretch. And then he realized he's forgotten how nicely built the older male was and it explained why Horohoro's dive was so impressively performed. Then again, Ren of all people knew Horohoro's body and it's more-than-complimenting features. He may have never said it but the bluenette had enough right to show it off. He was neither under or over weight, had well built muscles not too big but definitely noticeable below the fair skin of his finely structured body.

 

Unlike the day they met in the rain, the Ainu's azure hair wasn't just dampened but was weighed down completely by the water and hung lazily above his shoulders. Clear beads of water slid down his smooth, exposed skin that shined under the moonlight spilling through the wispy clouds. And the ocean below the pale blue light gave off a glass-like effect to the dark eyes they were reflected in. He was so wet and exposed with only the seawater drawing a line on his lower torso, just close enough to cover the hem of his boxers as if he's not wearing them. And yet against all these elements, the Ainu wore a sincere, harmless smile across his face.

 

_He's beautiful..._ The thought came to Ren so naturally that he himself didn't even realize it. Suddenly it was like Horohoro's obsidian eyes were holding Ren's golden gaze and it was either Ren couldn't look away or he forgot how. And it was just the same with Horohoro who also watched Ren without the capacity to turn away from him. All he could do was stare at the younger male and just watch him radiate with a certain beauty no one else can have through his petite, delicate frames. Just stare at him with an undeniable emotion. Neither of them really realized the kind of moment they were caught in, too engrossed in their subtlety.

 

But Horohoro was the first to break that subtle stillness by finally rising out of the water and stepping on the land Ren was on. And although the Chinese did know that Horohoro wasn't completely unclothed, he looked like he was. That was enough to make his heart stop the moment the Ainu lifted himself from the water. Luckily for him, the dark night made his shaded cheeks hardly noticeable. And being unaware of them, Horohoro silently approached Ren until he was so close to him, their bodies would have to touch if he moved any closer. And Ren couldn't move away because the giant rock his friend dived from earlier acted as a wall behind him. As if he was taking advantage of the entrapment, the Ainu ran his fingertips through the younger male's fine hair and slid them down his soft cheeks to his chin, and lifted it so their faces met. The only reason Ren didn't say anything to all of this was because his voice was stuck somewhere he couldn't find it. And without an opposing voice to stop him, Horohoro drew the shorter male's face towards himself. When they inched close enough for Ren to panic, the Chinese put his hands on Horohoro's chest and pulled away a little.

 

"What're you doing?" Ren finally found his voice, quivered and uneven. He silently prayed that the bluenette couldn't hear his pounding heart or notice that his face had tinted to a darker shade. For a moment, Horohoro didn't say anything.

 

"...Finishing my dare." He whispered and cupped Ren's chin again, more firmly this time. And this time he let the shorter stay still while he moved towards him. Ren couldn't even register what the Ainu had meant until he closed the gap between them with his lips. Golden eyes widened to the contact and his spine stiffened. But the familiarity of the bluenette's lips made it surprisingly easy for Ren to give in to the tender touch. Their lips moved over one another in a ritual motion, rubbing heat into such a simple thing as a kiss. It was a taste Ren responded to because he couldn't deny that he missed it. At some point, the Chinese felt a tongue slide over his bottom lip and try to slip in between the process. As if that sent a jolting signal of awareness in him, he quickly stopped and turned his face away.

 

"Horo...we can't do this." The younger man said in firm apprehension and tried to pull away from Horohoro. But the bluenette wrapped his arms around his slender waist with an unwavering expression on his face.

 

"Why?"

 

"Because...look where were at!" Ren hissed like the older male couldn't notice the most obvious thing in the world. He tried to push away from him, knowing how their display would look to a passer-by but the bluenette's restrain was too strong for the small male to shake off.

 

"So?" Horohoro stated with a shrug, making Ren glare.

 

"Don't even act like you don't get it. Someone might see us, moron!"

 

"No one's around to see."

 

"Someone might pass by."

 

"We'll stop if they do."

 

"Horo—" Ren couldn't finish his retort because Horohoro took him into a lip lock. He felt one of Horohoro's hands snake into his shirt and up his back, sending a cold shiver up his spine. The warm tongue entered his mouth and it deepened when the older male pressed Ren's body to his own. Ren's hands were at the bluenette's chest, intended to push away, but they rendered useless and just rested there. Having the Ainu's practically naked body pressed onto his and feeling his deep kiss, Ren once again found himself slowly surrendering and kissing back. The bluenette's arm moved from Ren's back to wrap around his narrow waist, and his other hand made its way up the front of the vocalist's body while pushing up the shirt. It was still cold from the water and that sent arousing tingles through the younger man, even more when it started to play with one of his nipples. Horohoro took his lips away from Ren's, both men panting, and moved to the younger one's neck. Ren narrowed his eyes as Horohoro's lips caressed his skin, trying not to give away that it was in fact one of his weaknesses. There was still a vague bit of his rationality left in his head and he tried not to let that go too.

 

"Horo... we, we have to stop... someone..."

 

"Might see us? Yeah, you already told me." Horohoro said dismissively and kissed Ren's neck and nipped it. Ren shuddered but restrained himself from letting out his voice.

 

"No...I m-mean it...you have to...stop..." Ren breathed with a weak resonance but Horohoro captured his lips again and they shared another breath stealing kiss that also stole more of Ren's knowledge to resist. But Ren managed to pull his lips away even though Horohoro returned to his neck again.

 

"Horo...uhn...don't..." Ren whimpered as he clutched on the said male's shoulders. Those talented hands weren't helping and neither was the feel of their bare skins pressing because of his pushed up shirt. He turned his head when Horohoro tried to kiss him again but that only gave the bluenette easy access to the other side of his neck. He had already figured out that he can gain advantage there and he started from kissing to biting at the delicate flesh, making Ren close his eyes and bite his lip to suppress his moan.

 

"No, Horo...don't...we can't..." The Ainu once again captured his lips in a kiss longer and more intense than the rest, and Ren had to respond to his tongue with his own. Ren's brows locked together and he made a muffled whimper. Horohoro let go of his lips.

 

"Horo...we have to—"

 

"Stop?" Horohoro finished Ren's sentence and the younger male nodded. But the bluenette didn't let go of him, just stood there in silence for some time. He then leaned forward to Ren's ear, speaking in a voice so low because it was only meant for the younger man.

 

"Do you want to stop?"

 

"What?"

 

"I asked, do you, Ren, _want to_ stop?" Horohoro repeated with emphasis on two key words that made Ren's heart miss a beat.

 

"Horo, I'm saying we need to..."

 

"Yeah, I get that. But that's not what I'm asking."

 

"Horo, you know that we should—"

 

"Ren, why won't you just answer my question? I'm not asking for what we need to or should do. I want to know what you want to do. If you want to stop," Horohoro planted a soft kiss on Ren's neck. "Then I'll stop." He finished and gave another one, leaving his face buried in the crook of Ren's neck. The Chinese closed his eyes and bit his lip, unable to bring himself to say what he needed to say. Both of Horohoro's arms coiled around his waist and pressed their bodies together and the Ainu continued to speak in his ear.

 

"Just tell me you want this to stop, and it will." He gently caressed his lips on Ren's neck, brushing them just light enough for it to not be any kisses. The breaths that fluttered on his skin were even a threatening tease to Ren.

 

"Tell me you don't want me to do this anymore." Horohoro kissed the corner of Ren's lips as if he was actually drawing a line now. "And I won't." He finished and he waited with his lips remaining right there at that spot. Ren cursed him inside, wanting to know why he had to say it like that. It wasn't just the way he worded it, the Chinese even wondered if he's ever heard the Ainu's voice sound so husky. This is worse than when they were at the party. It wasn't fair anymore.

 

Just when Ren was still at loss for what he should do, voices that belonged to neither of the men reached into their silence. The two quickly pulled away from each other upon realizing outsiders approaching. They watched two figures coming from a distance, Horohoro doing so while getting his pants back on. It didn't occur to them who they were until they came close enough to see that one of them was Hao. Walking alongside him was a girl that wasn't Candise. She looked a few years older with blonde hair cut short above her petite shoulders. But who was accompanying Hao didn't concern Ren, the mere sight of the brunette made the Chinese just about ready to leave. To his disdain, however, the other party also noticed him and Horohoro. He tried not to grimace as Hao and his friend came their way.

 

"When'd you guys leave the party?" Hao asked when they reached the two men.

 

"Little while ago."

 

"Really? Didn't see you guys leave." Ren wondered how much trust he can put into that. When he saw Hao, the first thing that came to his mind was that the model had followed him and Horohoro. And although the brunette did sound like he was telling the truth, which could very well mean Ren was wrong, that smile on his face was still a little too friendly to really belong to him. And without returning the same gesture, although not giving any rude glare either, Ren searched for any traces of feign in the older twin's voice.

 

"So, what're you guys doing?" Hao shifted the subject to evade the tension Ren was sending him through his unchangingly expressionless eyes. It's not that he felt any threat the Chinese had most likely meant for him to feel, but because he just didn't care to put up with it.

 

"Yeah, how come you're so wet, Horo?" The blonde girl, who had practically been part of background props up until now, spoke up for the first time with a girlish giggle. Her specific addressing of the bluenette took Ren by surprise, the casual manner of it meaning they knew each other. It seemed Horohoro recognized her right away as well so Ren just assumed that they must have met earlier at the party. But that was barely a concern. Especially now that he also noticed the way she eyed the Ainu, who was shirtless probably to let the sea breeze dry his soaked body. But being totally oblivious to the kind of display he was making of himself, the bluenette flashed her that friendly, careless grin of his.

 

"Took a little dive from up there." He said and the girl followed his gaze up the rock he jumped from earlier.

 

"Wow, you're kidding!" She said as if she was actually impressed but from the way she looked at Horohoro again, it seemed she just wanted to keep his attention solely on herself. She probably thought the high resonance in her voice made her sound cute, but to Ren it just made her sound stupid and he suppressed himself from rolling his eyes.

 

"Hey um...do you know where I can get myself a drink? I'm a little thirsty." The girl asked before the conversation would stray from the two of them.

 

"Yeah, I think you could get something that way across the street." Horohoro pointed out to where the street would be on the other side of the cliff past the sand.

 

"Really? How far is it?" She glanced at the direction he pointed to for a small second and turned to him again while feigning her question with the look of a curious kitten. Ren also waited in silent, anxious hopes that the older male would see through her cheap tactic. There was a certain doubt vying viciously with his anxiety and the Chinese ignored it for the sake of his sanity.

 

"Not too far. Here, I'll take you." Horohoro shot down Ren's anticipation with a shrug of total oblivion, making him frown distastefully but unnoticeably. The shorter male almost lunged at him with a primitively crazed cry—almost. Instead he was able to keep it to a slight bite to his tongue just enough to keep his mouth shut and his eyes deadly steady. But somewhere in the pit of his stomach and the corner of his rationality, the Chinese knew that his sorry excuse for hope was more hopeless than he had given it credit for. He knew the good-natured idiot too well, which explains the doubt he tried to ignore in his unrealistically fixed expectation. Ren made a mental note to later beat the naïve stupidity right out of Horohoro's skull as the older male walked right by in front of him with the blonde model alongside him.

 

"We'll be right back." The girl said over her shoulder to Hao and the two were gone. Hao waved with a smile, not seeming the least bit phased that he was left behind. But he knew exactly who was and he turned to the younger man he was left behind with. The Chinese was leaned back on the rock, his arms folded and his face still and his amber eyes stoic. Hao was impressed with how he masked himself with such a finely—or is it strictly—refined poise, it was to praise for. The brunette had no doubt that Ren was firmly keeping himself from exchanging any words with him for reasons that would contradict this stance. And that made Hao snicker in a sarcastic timbre. Ren didn't even ask why he was laughing; a part of him expected something of the sort from him.

 

"If it bothers you so much, why didn't you just go with them?" Hao sounded more amused than curious and Ren raised a delicate brow.

 

"What? I didn't go because I'm not the one that's thirsty."

 

"Being thirsty has nothing to do with why you'd want to go."

 

"Well why didn't you go with them? She was with you first."

 

"Read between the lines. She said they'd be right back, meaning she didn't want me to come. Otherwise she would've asked me to go looking with her instead."

 

"And you don't care?"

 

"What'd you think?" Hao said dryly and Ren agreed that the question was rhetorical.

 

"Or you can go later. Interrupt whatever they do or try to do." Hao said with a shrug, directing the subject to Ren again.

 

"What the hell are you talking about? What they do is none of my business."

 

"You wish it was." Ren glared bloody knives that would usually cut the throat of the person they're thrown at. But Hao always seemed immune to them, getting amused as if he's being hissed at by a kitten. It didn't occur to Ren that this small sign of impatience was like a crack in his shield of supposed indifference. It was all Hao needed to confirm he was right.

 

"So before I got here, what were you and Horohoro doing?" Hao intoned and Ren instantly felt his nerves tense. "Hope nothing was interrupted." The brunette added and closed in on the shorter male. Ren knew for a fact that Hao didn't see anything, and that this was just another one of his senseless taunts built on no grounds. Ren just had to act like it was, and that what the model said didn't have any relevance so he doesn't figure out anything.

 

"We told you, we were just hanging out. Well, Horo was taking a dive." Ren shrugged, quite certain that he sounded convincing enough.

 

"Really?" Hao said slowly as his lips worked their way to a roguish smirk. "Well you know, we can do some things of our own." He mused and one of his hands reached out to touch Ren's face. The younger male pushed it away perversely with the back of his hand only for Hao to grab it and give it a kiss. That confident, predatory gaze that was sent to Horohoro earlier now went for the golden glare Ren shot at him.

 

"Bastard! Do you seriously think you can screw anyone you choose!?" Ren hissed but the older man simply smiled.

 

"Don't you dare mistake me for one of your whores, Hao."

 

"Don't get me wrong, Ren. It's not like I choose anyone; I have my standards. And like Horohoro, you definitely meet them." Ren scowled at Hao's grin. He didn't need the older twin to spell it out for him; he knew him and his loathsome characteristics enough.

 

"You're a real piece of work." He scoffed like acid rolling off his tongue.

 

"Some say a work of art." Hao said with Ren's hand still held captive and takes another step closer. And a hand grabs the model's wrist.

 

"You're shitting me." Horohoro laughed without letting go of Hao's wrist. In fact, the brunette could feel the encircled fingers begin to tighten their grip. Despite his lighthearted comment, Ren was stunned by how intense that midnight gaze was. Even Hao could see in the bluenette's eyes that nothing was actually taken as funny at all. There just might be a potential threat here.

 

"You're back early." Hao greeted nonetheless.

 

"It wasn't far and I wasn't planning to take long. Your friend's gonna be catching up soon." Horohoro said just as causally but the last part further implied that Hao had better be quick to letting go of Ren. He emphasized his point by tightening his grip so hard that his nails began to sink into the bluenette's wrist. Hao endured the clutch with subtle ease for maybe about three seconds, then his hand snapped open. A model shouldn't risk any bruises, after all. And once Ren' s released hand retreated to his side, Horohoro let Hao retrieve his. And just as Horohoro warned, the blonde rounded the corner of the rock and joined them.

 

"You walk kinda fast." She said with a small frown. She hadn't even caught a hint of the exchange between the men. Not that it mattered; two of the three were leaving.

 

"Sorry, it's just me and Ren are gonna head home now." Horohoro said and took one look at Ren who nodded once to the rather unannounced idea as if it was a decision they made a few moments ago. It was instantaneous but a mutual agreement in which he was relieved to make.

 

"You already left the party early. Going to bed early too?" Hao laughed with a vulgar hint implicated in his comment.

 

"Actually," Horohoro began with a very unfriendly glint flashing in his eyes briefly. "We came out because Ren wasn't feeling good and needed some fresh air. I'm gonna be taking him home now." Ren wouldn't have agreed to the way the Ainu used him for an excuse but he remained quiet just for the sake of leaving.

 

"Are you coming back?" The girl chimed hopefully but Horohoro shook his head.

 

"No, I'm pretty beat too." He said and the blonde girl's disappointment was quite apparent, whereas Ren restrained his lips from sneering at her. After saying their byes, Horohoro and Ren were sitting in the bluenette's car, which they came to the club with. Horohoro drove while Ren sat in the passenger's seat, idly watching the lights and people whiz by through the window. Neither of the men spoke for a while, and it was hard to tell if the silence was awkward or uncomfortably natural.

 

"Surprised you let me drive."

 

"Hm?" Ren turned away from the window to Horohoro, his amber eyes half lidded from dazing out. It took him a moment to filter the comment through his mind into his own answer. "It's your car." He murmured quietly, a little blank in the eyes as much as his dozy mind.

 

"Yeah but you usually don't let me or even yourself drive after consuming even the smallest amount of alcohol. All paranoid about being stopped by a cop. You always have someone like Faust or Yoh come over to drive us home. So what makes tonight so special?" Horohoro laughed with eyes still on the road. Ren turned back to the window, wondering for a reasonable enough excuse. He did actually consider calling Faust, remembering Yoh was with Manta. But on the other hand, that would make him uncomfortable after such a series of incidents.

 

"You seemed sober enough." Ren said, dismissing the effort to think of something with more credibility. It made him sound like he was letting Horohoro get by easy, and that was very much unlike the Chinese. Then again, it' not like the bluenette would care since it was true anyway. And from here, the younger male could just zone out again in the soon-to-be reoccurring silence. But his mind that can dismiss the effort to produce a decent excuse, fished out a thought of all thoughts.

 

"Unless of course, you had some drinks with her." Ren muttered under his breath and for the first time, Horohoro's eyes quickly slid from the road to his friend with knitted brows.

 

"Who're you talking about?"

 

"That girl Hao was with."

 

"You mean Candise?"

 

"No, that other one. The blonde."

 

"Oh you mean Sera." Horohoro nodded and a disgruntled Ren looked at him again.

 

"Yes, _her_." He hissed like venom curdling from the back of his throat and rolling off his tongue. Her name mattered as much as replacing it with whatsherface. Horohoro frowned at how much hostility was tapped in the younger male's hard-edged voice.

 

"What, you didn't like her?"

 

"You seemed to like her." Ren said lowly and Horohoro shrugged, ignoring the fact that the younger man's reply didn't answer his question. The bluenette assumed that it meant a no.

 

"I dunno, I guess." He said awkwardly to Ren's remark, not seeing any relevance to it. It didn't make sense for the topic to surface like this, and he could feel an uneasy tension approach them with it.

 

"Well, it's more like you guys liked each other."

 

"Ok, did I miss something? 'Cause I don't see where this is going."

 

"I'm just saying you guys got along pretty well."

 

"And that's a bad thing? Besides, it's more like I was just being nice."

 

"Oh yeah, nice enough to buy her a drink."

 

"I took her to a vending machine." Horohoro said rather curtly, now feeling like his friend was reproaching him for a reason he couldn't think of. It's irritating enough that he couldn't understand why Ren was being so angry. Ren on the other hand, was just dumbfounded by the previous misunderstanding, maybe even embarrassed by it. But above all, he was relieved. Relived that it turned out to be misunderstanding. Not that he would let any of that or any emotions pass over his face right now.

 

"You still seemed to enjoy her company." He continued in the same cynical venom painting the words that left his lips. Horohoro grimaced as Ren stretched his patience thin without actually realizing it.

 

"So much that you'd ditch me for a stupid vending machine."

 

"Dude, what is up with you!?" Horohoro finally burst, his risen voice making Ren flinch and shut his mouth.

 

"...Nothing." The Chinese breathed after a relatively awkward pause, and looked away out the window again. It was suddenly ridiculous, how childish he sounded. He couldn't even answer the older man's question. The things he said made no sense even to himself.

 

"No, it's something." Yet Horohoro insisted otherwise.

 

"No, it's not."

 

"You're lying."

 

"Just forget it." Ren hissed and glowered at the bluenette.

 

"No," Horohoro said just as defensively "There's obviously something bothering you and I'm not gonna act like I don't know it."

 

"I said drop it, Horo." Ren growled in that stubborn tone he used when he was going to keep his ground and not budge from it. Horohoro sighed, totally at a loss for what was going on inside the younger man. They've had arguments that went in circles before, usually for the most insignificant subjects. But this was different; they weren't tracing a circle, it felt more like they were lost inside the empty void of the circle itself. Horohoro began to retrace their conversation, contemplating on if there were any hints slipped into what Ren has already said. He could hardly believe that Sera was really the problem, Ren was rarely triggered by people he didn't know, especially by a ditsy girl like her.

 

"This is about leaving you with Hao, isn't it?" The Ainu concluded calmly after a long, nerve-tightening pause. All he could come to was whatever he had interrupted when he returned to Ren and Hao, which he as glad to have done. And then, there was the Chinese mentioning about Horohoro leaving him behind, not so glad to have done. To presume Hao being linked to this dispute seemed to make the most sense.

 

"No..." There was an unsure falter in Ren's voice and it made him sound far less convincing. He considered that maybe he would want to say yes because then, it would at least make sense. But he was quite certain that Hao was nowhere near the case. And despite the fuss he was making, Sera wasn't it either. But something was bothering him.

 

"Then what is it? Is it really about Sera?"

 

"No." Ren scoffed dryly, just as Horohoro expected.

 

"Look, I'm sorry I left you with him. If I knew he'd try to pull some shit to—"

 

"Didn't I just say it's not about Hao?" Ren spat almost menacingly. "Besides, it's not like I need you to protect me." Horohoro's jaws clenched in frustration as they were getting nowhere again, still looping inside some circle's blank. He's beginning to wonder if there's even a circle to begin with. As tempting as it was to snap back at Ren with a vicious comeback himself, the bluenette's lips pressed into a fine line. After all, past experience says it'd just turn into a shout competition. And finally getting the older man silenced, Ren sat back and sent his golden gaze out the window again. He knows how unreasonable he's being and how much sense he's not making. But Ren didn't know how it could be helped if he couldn't explain anything even to himself.

 

Horohoro's car reached the front of Ren's house not long after that. Neither men spoke through the rest of the ride, and Ren assumed that's how it would end when he got out of the car to get home.

 

"Hey," But he abruptly stopped when Horohoro suddenly called out. He turned his head back at the bluenette who was also outside of his car, and quirked a brow at him.

 

"I don't need you to walk me to the door." He said with a glare. The whole night was unsettling and the younger man was ready to collapse onto his couch if he couldn't make it to his bed. So he waited expectantly for something that had better be good enough to stall him. _An apology would best fall suit_ , the Chinese thought smugly.

 

"I know, just...I'm sorry...about tonight." Horohoro said sheepishly with his hands shoved in his pockets, and Ren blinked at him. That had seemed a bit too easy. Taken so off guard, he forgot to respond at all and his body remained frozen in its place between his house and Horohoro. The Ainu thought Ren was just waiting to hear more from him, as if to be convinced. Horohoro didn't believe that he was at full fault but he knew what he did believe. He looked straight into Ren's amber irises and ran a hand through his azure locks.

 

"I really am. I honestly didn't think Hao would be there. Or if he really isn't what was wrong, you can tell me what was some other time, if you want."

 

"Uh...don't worry about it." Ren said uneasily to such a formal and sincere apology. He didn't know what else to say to something he really wasn't prepared for. "It's really nothing, I was just tired." The Chinese added the lie, not seeing any reason to carry on the earlier snappy attitude. That would just make him a real prick and he knew better than that, at least.

 

"And next time we hang out, I promise we'll do whatever you want, ok?" Horohoro said and flashed a smile.

 

"...Yeah, sure." Ren smirked and laughed a little to the bluenette's peace offering. Suddenly he wasn't in such a bad mood anymore. And having all that settled, he turned and went for his house again. And once again, he's stopped midway. Only this time, it wasn't Horohoro's voice but the Ainu's hand taking one of Ren's. One second, the younger man is quickly turning his body around, and the next, he is subject to the bluenette's awaiting lips. It was quick, so quick that Ren didn't have time to respond before Horohoro pulled away. A mere gesture that wasn't intimate enough. Yet it was enough to leave Ren staring dumbstruck at Horohoro who smiled again, this time ever so playfully.

 

"Later." The taller of the two said with a chuckle and got back in his car. Ren said nothing and was stuck in his awestruck spell until his ride drove away. Upon realizing what an unbelievable display he had made of himself, the Chinese rushed into his house with a burning face. The moment he was in his room, he pressed his back against the closed door and slid down to the floor. The touch was too brief, not enough to even leave a taste.

 

He wondered if Horohoro has ever been so elusive before. And unless he didn't know better, it's almost like that uncanny obscurity gave the bluenette full dominance through the whole night. And he made that final lopsided, wolfish grin as if he knew he was the empowering beast that potentially subdued the younger man. He knew what would've happened at the beach if Hao hadn't showed up.

 

And Ren knew it would've happened too. And would he even dare to consider admitting it, but he knew he wouldn't have been able to stop him. Ren closed his eyes and thought about those kisses Horohoro gave him at the beach, the feel of his hands—

 

"Shit." Ren cursed through his teeth and unbuckled his belt, his pants suddenly feeling tight.


	13. Chapter 10

Ren often asked himself what it was that he saw in Horohoro. What had made him want to keep the Ainu in the band? Or rather, what had kept him from pushing him out? It was especially peculiar to Ren who was so very capable of pushing others away. And when he first met Horohoro, his first, immediate observation was that the bluenette is obnoxious, loud, immature, and flat out stupid. It should've been easy to get him out of the band. And if he did it early enough, he would've had the man out of his life. And Ren was always good at doing that. So what had made Ren keep him around instead? Why couldn't he let go of the moron? What had made it so hard? So impossible that the bluenette had to make the exit himself? Besides his obvious musical talents, Ren couldn't find the answer to any of that.

 

Ren's secondary, gradual observation was that Horohoro is by far, undeniably magnetic. So capable of drawing in others as if it was second nature. And he brought out laughter just as effortlessly, like it was his talent next to drumming. Perhaps Ren saw in Horohoro what he couldn't have. What he couldn't be. Maybe that's what made the moron such a curious figure.

 

But the other night, Ren didn't know what he saw. After everything at the party and the beach, Horohoro didn't just make Ren curious. A single night had become a memory he couldn’t let go of for a full week in his now-clouded mind. Work couldn't even get the Ainu out of his head. He's absolutely mystified in the thickest, most alluring fog. And now it's like the Ainu has never been harder to let go of.

 

Ren growled in his extreme disdain. Because he knows the technical error he just made in that thought; how can you let go of something you can't even grasp?

 

Ren lets out a heavy breath, finding the shower he just took obviously being of no help. He stood from the edge of his bed he had been sitting on through his ten-minute contemplation and took slow strides to his open window. Setting his hands on the sill, he leaned in to the cool evening air. And as if struck by some reminder, he turned slightly to the nightstand and opened the top drawer. He pulled out the one thing that mattered in there. It was a picture, a bit worn from age and neglectful keeping, but still relatively preserved to decency. The scratches and faint creases spoke not of the significance hidden beneath all the trinkets it was buried under. It was a photo of Oversoul, and Ren stared into the frozen memory, particularly one face of the four. He didn't know exactly when the photo was taken, he just knew it was still when no one was missing, a time when the band was still whole. He was angry when Horohoro left and he took that anger out on a lot of things. But this photo proves that the younger male never really let go even after the bluenette left. He couldn't.

 

"But you did it so easily." Ren mused to the grinning face in his hand. Maybe the picture's tattered state made the memory look just as forsaken, like it could shatter right in front of him. He held if solemnly, delicately maybe even, and a strong gust steals it from his fingertips and carries it across the room and slips it under the bed. Ren lets out a halfhearted sigh and followed it, going down on his knees and hands to lower himself for a peek. And that's when he discovered that the photo had actually made an intrusion because the space below his bed, which was supposed to be clear, was already occupied. The intruded was a black lump, seeming to be a piece of clothing. Ren frowned at it, not remembering any of his clothes missing, and knowing that he would never let himself leave any of them like this, especially in such a way that would allow it to wrinkle. Sighing again to himself, he pulled on the garment and the picture with it. He left the picture on the floor next to him and brought his attention to the black garment, which turned out to be a jacket. But Ren's frown deepened because he didn't recognize it, even noticing that the size was too big for him. He raised a confused brow, wondering why he even left it where it could get dusty. And judging from the dust it already collected, it's been there for a long, long time. It just didn't make sense; why leave it somewhere he'd forget? Why somewhere he wouldn't look again? Ren wasn't even sure if the jacket was his in the first place.

 

And memory strikes

 

_It isn't..._ Ren stops his train of thoughts to the dawn of realization and he is frozen in retrospection.

 

It was some time before Oversoul's third world tour, actually the day before. Ren and Horohoro were at it again at the younger male's house. Horohoro unusually awoke before Ren the morning after and left the house alone while forgetting his jacket. Nothing more happened between them then and that was just how it usually went, although Ren tended to display such attitudes more often than the Ainu. The exclusion of intimacy was an agreement so mutual that the two didn't need to discuss it, let alone confirm it. And when the vocalist did wake later, he also left his home for the tour without noticing the jacket. When he returned however, the said jacket did not go unnoticed. The sudden departure of the Ainu had already enraged him, and the site of something that belonged to him further fueled his rage. Ren threw the jacket in blind fury, letting it fly under his bed, and left it there, eventually forgetting about it. He hasn't seen it since until now.

 

"Now what?" Ren murmured to himself as he eyed the jacket. He turned to the trash can sitting at the other side of the room, an idea to rid the said garment crossing his mind. But he didn't budge from where he sat. He didn't feel that anger anymore, after all. He looked at the jacket again, a little annoyed at how indecisive he was being. His amber eyes softened though, when the picture from earlier came in site of them. And he suddenly felt somewhat... nostalgic.

 

XxXxXxXxX

 

"Baka Horo." Ren muttered under his breath as he pulled over his car and stopped the engine. He grabbed the jacket from the passenger's seat but remained in his car with one hand still gripping the steering wheel. He took a few swift glances at the building he was parked in front of, the apartment Horohoro lived in. In the end, he couldn't throw it out and after pondering for who knows how long, this was the conclusion he came to. And now he began to wonder what the odds were that Horohoro even remembers the jacket himself. It's been over a year, it wouldn't surprise him if the bluenette forgot about it. What if he didn't even want it anymore? That'll not only make Ren's trip meaningless, but also silly for bringing back something from so far back. But on the other hand, what if he did want it back?

 

Ren groaned in disgust to himself. He hasn't even left his car yet! He flung the door open and approached the building's front door, and punched in Horohoro's room number into the security intercom.

 

"Hello?" Horohoro's voice resonated from the small intercom. At least he didn't sound sleepy—not that Ren would care.

 

"It's me." The Chinese said gruffly, as if Horohoro was supposed to know who was at the door before opening it.

 

"Uh... I'm guessing Ren." And he guessed correctly, recognizing that all-too-familiar irritable voice. Someone was cranky.

 

"Yeah, will you let me in?" It wasn't a question. That was an order Ren growled through his teeth, not caring that he was actually dropping in totally unannounced.

 

"Uh sure." There was a short buzz and Ren pushed the door open and went in. He treaded in brisk steps past the receptionist and through the entrance hall and caught one of the elevators that was already stopped on the first floor. He rammed his thumb into the button with the highest number and began to tap his foot to the rhythm of his impatience, already deciding he will go home once he hands over the jacket. That's all he came to do and it wasn't his anyway, so he shouldn't have to go through any of this trouble. It shouldn't have even been left at his house so whether he wanted it or not doesn't matter, the Ainu can do whatever he wants with it once he gets it back.

 

The elevator's high-pitched bell cuts Ren's thoughts. He somehow still distinctly remembered which door belonged to Horohoro and he gave a few hard knocks at the wood. The door opened in quick response and Horohoro stood there with a smile oblivious to Ren's current irritation.

 

"What's up?" He chimed, then was dumbfounded at the jacket thrust at him.

 

"Nothing, just this." Ren stated dryly and waited for Horohoro to take it. But the Ainu just blinked at it cluelessly.

 

"What is it?"

 

"It's _yours_."

 

"Really?" Horohoro finally took the jacket and examined it more closely.

 

"Cool, you're right." He beamed at the item he now recognized, making Ren feel relieved that this was not a pointless effort. "Thought I lost this. How'd you find it?"

 

"You left it at my place."

 

"Really?"

 

"Yeah... just came to return it." Ren turned on his heel.

 

"Hey," Horohoro's voice made him turn his head. The bluenette still stood at his doorway, and still held that soft smile on his face.

 

"You came all the way over here. Wanna come in?" Horohoro stepped slightly to the side and Ren blinked at him. It bothered him to no end that he actually made the trip to get the lost-and-found returned; Horohoro should've been the one to come and get it himself. But this immense sense of agitation gnawing at his bones tonight wasn't just about the jacket. The jacket was more like a cherry topping off the super sundae. That sundae being, the whole issue he had against the bluenette. He thought he knew him, he thought he had the idiot figured out. But now all he knows is that that's by far not the case. He hated being wrong and he hated to know he didn’t—couldn’t understand him. The bluenette confused him so much that it pissed him off. And it pissed him off even more to be so curious, to want to understand. He swore these emotions were so raw, he could strangle the older man for being so incomprehensible. For messing with his head without even intending it!

 

"...Sure" But somehow, all that was gone in an instant he didn't quite catch. Well, he was still confused out of his mind and he still wanted to understand ever so badly. But the anger and the strangling urge, those were definitely gone... for now. The Chinese turned around again, finding no reason to turn down the invitation, and let himself in.

 

"Go ahead and relax." Horohoro offered as he led Ren into the living room. "I'm just gonna put this away in the closet." Ren watched the bluenette go to his room, remaining to stand in the middle of the living room despite the previous offer. It felt a bit strange to be in there, he can't even remember the last time he's visited. he scanned the Ainu's home of a high class apartment, feeling the familiarity of the it. The interior filling the very spacious room, more than enough for one person, reflected the inhabitant. The furniture was oriental, wood-based and earthy colors, the table custom made with Ainu engravings, a few Ainu artifacts displayed and hung on the walls along with some pictures of family and even Oversoul. It wasn't too much, very simple but still warm and inviting. Very much like Horohoro.

 

"So how long's this been at your place?" Horohoro's voice called out from his room. Preferring to avoid any unnecessary projection of his voice, Ren carried himself to the doorway of the room his friend was in.

 

"Since the day of our third world tour." The Chinese said and leaned back on the wall with folded arms. He waited for the Ainu who had his back turned to the vocalist as he searched for an empty hanger. He waited to see what that casual hint meant to him.

 

"Pretty far back." And apparently, that bland statement meant the man still had no idea. Ren's golden irises moved down to the floor as he told himself that such a response should have been expected. As if expecting it won't leave room for the disappointment.

 

"Yeah... actually," Ren began again, even though the voice he mustered up was low and almost unwilling. "...You came over the night before... and left it the morning after when you left." Ren's eyes lifted to Horohoro again, who still stood with his back faced at the Chinese even with the jacket hung in the closet. He didn't move or even say a word, but somehow, this silence is exactly what told Ren that the bluenette finally gets it. Neither men would now look at each other as they could feel clouds roll into the room, making the air too thick and heavy for breathing, like they were getting trapped in countless gallons of water.

 

"What was that all this time?" Horohoro suddenly tore the silence with a voice quiet and intensely leveled. He still wouldn't look at Ren.

 

"What was what?" The tone coming with Ren's question could do everything but evade.

 

"All those times we fucked, what were they?" Nothing comes out of Ren this time. He couldn't bring himself to say anything to such straightforward words that were like fingers clasping tightly around his throat.

 

"What were they to you?" And they just got tighter. The bluenette gets nothing from the silent other, and the Chinese earns himself an irritable sigh.

 

"Why don't you just say it was nothing and that it wasn't anything to you?" The supposed question almost sounded more like a demand, and the voice that spoke them was unusually cold. Ren was glad that Horohoro still faced away from him. Saved him the trouble of avoiding whatever stare the Ainu would've given him, and the effort of hiding the sting. And oh, did it sting.

 

"That's probably how it was anyway." Horohoro added bitterly. If it were a few years back, Ren would've said he couldn't agree more. He would've said all those things Horohoro said, and probably a lot more. But this isn't a few years in the past, it's a few years in the present, and presently, Ren was being gunned down without even being looked at.

 

"Why're you bringing all that up now?" Ren hissed through his frustration he felt mostly towards himself. "I can say the same damn thing to you, Horo, because yeah we fucked, but it's not like you kept in touch after you left. Why does it even matter now!?"

 

"...Doesn't matter, huh?" Horohoro intoned as he finally turned around to face Ren, who instantly fell victim to a pair of ever-somber eyes that tightened those fingers around his throat.

 

"I never said that." Ren protested weakly, shaking his head as if to take back his previous demeanor.

 

"Then did any of it matter?"

 

"I... I never said that either." Ren faltered with his own words from the uncertainty he is suddenly faced with.

 

"Then which is it?!"

 

"For fuck's sake, Horo, what'd you want me to say!?"

 

"I want you to say the goddamn truth!"

 

"The fuck are you talking about?! Since when did I lie!? You're the one who brought up all this shit and now you're saying you don't even know what you're saying!?" Both men didn't care that they were clashing, too blind to the other's confusion because they were too preoccupied with their own. Ren's hands closed to tight fists, anger rolling in his stomach. He was angry at the bluenette for throwing so many questions at him, but angrier at himself for not being able to answer any of them, that he could only throw back questions of his own instead. The anger made his teeth clench on the sharp heat threatening the back of his eyes. Horohoro let out a long, strenuous breath and his obsidian eyes fell to the floor.

 

Why is it only now that they realize all these unanswered questions?

Why does it seem like that's all they have?

 

"Maybe... maybe it's not as clear and simple to me like it is to you. Ever thought about that?" Ren's glare faded to the voice that had suddenly gone quiet, like it had been ripped from the Ainu's throat.

 

"Look, you still haven't told me if you wanna go back to that again. But if you do... I don't know... maybe we can." Horohoro is well aware of the mistake he may be making again with what he just said. It meant going backwards, to let go of a promise he's grown too tired to keep. He swore he'd never let it happen again but with Ren right in front of him, he didn't know how to keep that promise he made to himself anymore. Or who knows, maybe the mistake already started when he asked Ren a certain question one rainy day. Even with that kiss at the beach, it's like he was ruining his rehab by injecting himself with a lethal dose of his addiction. He knew what it meant but he just didn't care. He wants Ren, even if it's in the wrong direction. Even if it meant to fall into the desire he fought so hard, so desperately. He'll take the dive, pretending that he doesn't know it's fatal. Pretending he won't drown.

 

Ren noticed there was something about Horohoro's voice that spoke those unexpected words. It contradicted his previous fire that seems to almost be going out now. Like he was submitting to whatever battle he thought he was lost in. But for some reason, Ren didn't want to win if it meant to be the last one standing to see that fire go out. He didn't want to be left with a thread of smoke that'll just leave him with nothing but a dead, melted candle. He had to have Horohoro stop talking like that, like he's given up on what he's really been burning for. What he really wasn't saying. He had to stop because it wasn't fair to keep hiding what you want really to be found, just to let it die buried. It just wasn't fair.

 

"I don't get it." Ren began with words so true to the confusion that wasn't as one-sided as Horohoro might have thought it would be.

 

"The very night before you left, you didn't want it anymore. You made that clear, Horo, that we were done. And then a week ago, you try to start it up again. And now, here you are making it _my_ choice to pick up from where _you_ left us." Ren let out an exasperated sigh.

 

"What is it that you want?" Horohoro scoffed acidicly to Ren's question as if it was an offending joke, and it made those golden irises avert away from the midnight gaze.

 

"You think you're the only one who doesn't get it?" Horohoro's voice had picked up its icy tone again and Ren began to regret asking. It was uncalled for, the Ainu saw that, and closed his eyes to restrain himself from crossing any lines.

 

"I don't get you, Ren. I mean, shit, sometimes..." Horohoro started again without the stinging coldness to glaze over his sincere words. But Ren still wouldn't look at him, and as much as the bluenette wanted to apologize for his previous reproaching, he decided to go on without doing so.

 

"Sometimes I don't get you so much... you just seem so distant. Like I might not know you as much as I think I do. And I already know that's not much to begin with anyway." Ren, compelled by the confession and its heavy-hearted ring, looked at Horohoro again in sheer shock. The bluenette's face didn't look so grim as his voice sounded, and the Chinese didn't know which to believe as they held each other's gaze.

 

"Ren... I want to know what went on in your head back then. And I want to know what's going on in there now." Both men grew gravely silent, especially Ren who suddenly felt cornered. Not just because the air had become too thick and the subject was too weighty, but strangely, it was also because Ren couldn't even answer that. There was the fact that he usually didn't discuss such things because it was more in his comfort not to. And Horohoro knew Ren wasn't so open to respond to such a request, so he didn't even want to expect an anwer. But the fact is, now for the first time, Ren is starting to realize he might not know the answer himself. And despite how much was going through Ren's mind as he searched it, nothing came from the vocalist's lips for a long time. And it was only in this silence that the Chinese realized how fast his heart was sending hard, nervous pulses through his small frames.

 

"What'd you want from me?" Words barely a whisper finally fell from the younger man's lips like dead leaves.

 

"I want answers from you, Ren." Horohoro said softly but Ren just stared at him, unable to speak. "I don't want to pick up from where we left off. I want to start over. And I wanna know if you do too."

 

Ren's eyes waver to Horohoro's soul penetrating gaze.

 

"Ren... do you wanna try again?"


	14. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains M/M sex

There was silence stretching between the two men as amber irises stared through their bewildered fixation. Lips slightly parted a few times in weak attempts to speak, but whatever words they meant to speak would get lost each time before even reaching his tongue, and those lips would close again. But the other kept waiting anyway, without a trace of impatience that would force anything out. He didn't want to risk marring any of the truth with his anxiety.

 

"...What'd you mean? I... I don't understand." Ren finally managed to stammer out quietly, his words glazed in melancholic hue. Horohoro sighed to the response, possibly the only one he wasn't waiting for. But at the same time, he couldn't really get upset at the younger man. Because he wondered if Ren has ever looked more confused than he does now.

 

"I want you, Ren." The Ainu said in such pure honesty, its strong and upright resonance made Ren's nerves erupt with a certain tension he didn't recognize. And he tensed even more when the bluenette approached him across the room and entrapped him against the wall. He placed a hand on a cheek and Ren's mouth goes dry, not sure if it was the hand or his own face that was so warm. Horohoro leaned in until their faces were barely an inch apart, and Ren almost forgets to breathe. Oh, deja vu.

 

"I want you." The Ainu said again in that deep, husky voice that stole a beat away from Ren's heart. The voice that sent maybe a little too much temptation to slide down the younger man's spine. The voice that smoldered Ren because he's never heard it sound like this before and he secretly wished that it was reserved only for himself. And he was captured by the lips he wanted even more. He saw it coming but it still made his heart miss another beat. Horohoro moved his lips gently and it was like some irresistible poison was coated on his lips, slowly making its claim over the Chinese. It didn't take long for his tongue to slip into Ren's mouth, and the younger man felt the kiss increase its vigorous heat. It became fierce, hungrier, more demanding. It was empowering like the poison was melting Ren's mind, giving him no options but to give in. Ren's brows drew together a bit as his slight arms wrapped around Horohoro's neck. The bluenette caught him in his own arms by the shorter man's slender waist and leaned in to deepen the heated kiss, then moved his hands down Ren's back to his thighs. He lifted Ren's knees until he was carrying the younger man. He moved to his bed while his lips never left Ren's own, and slowly placed the smaller male down on his back. When the two finally pulled out of their kiss, both men were panting with glossy lips.

 

For a moment, Horohoro held that gaze, those pools of burning gold. Then suddenly he sat Ren up and pulled the younger man's shirt off over his head, and then his own. He captured Ren's lips again as he undid the vocalist's pants. Ren kissed back with the same hunger and lifted his hips as the bluenette pulled on the hem until the pants were removed as well. The boxers still remained and from over the garment, one of Horohoro's hands traced its fingers on the particular spot that made Ren's shoulders jolt. The smaller man slightly tightened his grip on the Ainu's shoulders, thinking about how the boxers were in the way as the fingers continued to feel and trace from over them. But Horohoro soon stopped with his frustrating tease and reached in. The Chinese made a sound muffled by the kiss when he felt the older grasp him. His brows locked together and he shuddered as the hand began to move. He moaned into Horohoro's mouth and his body stiffened as it felt like a fire had suddenly been ignited inside him.

 

"Unnn…" Ren uttered another loud, shaky moan when he let go of Horohoro's lips, unable to keep up with the kiss while enduring the talent of his hand. Horohoro knew exactly what to do; where to move his fingers, how fast to go, where to slow down, where and how to apply the pressure and friction. Ren narrowed his eyes and bit his lip as his pulse quickened to the enticement. He only realized he was lying back down on the bed again when Horohoro had stopped to remove his boxers. Ren whimpered in soft protest to the suspension and Horohoro advanced over him again.

 

"Shhh." The bluenette coaxed into the younger one's ear while he started to work his hand again. The soft shush sent a wave down Ren's spine and he could feel Horohoro's lips slightly smirking. The bluenette nipped on Ren's ear and glided his lips over the crook of his neck, then bit at it, making Ren let out a sharp gasp. He made a few more bites at the delicate flesh, just hard enough to make Ren shudder more each time. The smaller man closed his eyes when the Ainu sucked on the skin, wondering if he was branded with a mark. Branded with his mark.

 

Horohoro moved his lips down Ren's neck and brushed down to his chest. He took one of the nipples into his mouth and sucked at it, and followed it with soft bites, licks, and tongue compressions. He ran his tongue across Ren's chest a few times to apply the same zeal to the other nipple. He motioned the wet muscle in a way that made it feel like it had a mind of its own. Through all of its vitality, Horohoro earned himself faint moans and gasps. None of this attention would be as hard for Ren to endure if the bluenette's hand had ever stopped all the while where it was the hottest.

 

Suddenly, though, Horohoro's hand did stop and the bluenette was no longer looming above Ren. Confused and rather unsatisfied, Ren propped himself up on his elbows to find the older man. He found he hadn't actually gone anywhere; He was on his knees at the end of the bed by Ren's feet, getting his own jeans off. He stripped off his boxers with them and Ren flushed at the site of the Ainu's hardness. Even more when he realized how exposed he was, despite the fact that this isn't even the first time.

 

Horohoro threw his jeans on the floor where the rest of their clothes were littered, and began to spread Ren's legs. However, Ren realized what was going on and a new kind of tension overwhelmed him. Horohoro noticed this when the Chinese started to force his legs closed. He didn't try to force them open again, though. Instead he moved up over the smaller male again and placed a soft kiss on his full lips.

 

"It's ok." The bluenette whispered gently and stroked Ren's dark hair. The kindness and sincerity in his voice gave some ease to Ren's nerves. Something about that voice that made those words believable. The Chinese slowly nodded and Horohoro moved down again. He spread Ren's legs once more, and stuck his index finger into the entrance. The younger man gasped in pain when a second finger followed and Horohoro leaned forward to look into Ren's eyes.

 

"Try not to be so tense." He murmured and planted kisses on Ren's face. "I know it's a little hard but try, ok?" He continued and looked into Ren's eyes again. It was as if to make sure he was ok, like he knew this was actually something new for Ren. The smaller one let out sharp breaths, trying to ease his tension as he was told. But then a third finger made its way in and he hissed at the pain.

 

"I'm sorry." Horohoro whispered and showered Ren's face with more kisses. The Chinese could still hear the kindness in his words and it was somewhat comforting. He continued to gasp out breaths as the three digits moved around and stretched him. At some point, Horohoro stopped and pulled his fingers out. Ren peered between his legs and watched the bluenette position himself. He let out a painful yelp as Horohoro began to enter him. The Ainu captured his lips into a fierce but tender kiss, as if to distract him from the pain.

 

"I'm sorry." He apologized again when he took his lips away. "It won't last long, I promise." He had only gotten a small bit of himself inside but he couldn't go in any further. Ren was too tight with all the pain and tension. Whenever he tried to go in further the younger man would make a painful sound through clenched teeth.

 

"Try not to be tense." Horohoro said again with a concerned gaze on Ren's face. "Just keep exhaling and try to relax." Ren tried to do as he was instructed but he clamped his eyes shut and cried out in pain when Horohoro tried to make his way in again.

 

"Horo, I can't…I can't!" Ren opened his eyes again and when Horohoro saw those golden pools wavering with so much uncertainty, he decided to give a little more help. He kept the small bit of himself still inside Ren and leaned forward until his lips reached Ren's ear.

 

"It'll get better, I swear it." Ren let out a gasp when he felt Horohoro grasp his member again and began to move in that motion it did earlier. Ren closed his eyes and his lips parted to the pleasure being pumped into him, even though he could still feel the pain.

 

"See, that's it. I promise it'll be better soon." Horohoro murmured into Ren's ear again and the vocalist felt himself rouse up even more to the feel of his breath. He felt Horohoro make his way in deeper and although it still hurt, the pleasure the older man's hand was mixing with the pain made it easier. Horohoro stopped his hand and vocalized his own pleasure when he was finally, fully inside the younger man. But instead of going further right away, he remained still to let Ren get used to the connection. He loved how tight and hot Ren felt as much as how the other couldn't help but notice how hot and big the bluenette felt.

 

"I'm gonna start moving, ok?" Horohoro loomed above Ren again and the vocalist could tell from his pleasured eyes and tinted cheeks how good it was to be inside him and that he wanted more. But when the Chinese looked deeper into his obsidian gaze, he saw that there was something familiar about its soft gleam. He realized this isn't the first time he's encountered this look. It's the same unique glow he's seen in Yoh and the bluenette years before. Yoh doesn't have that look in his eyes anymore but Horohoro…he still has it. What is it?

 

Ren nodded to Horohoro, brushing his question to the side. Horohoro then began to slide in and out, and at first Ren cringed at the pressure he wasn't used to. But then he started to get used to it and Horohoro felt him loosen as so did his expression. It was a sign that it was less painful now and at that point, the bluenette sped up and thrust in deeper. Ren clutched on the sheets as the pain was beginning to turn to pleasure.

 

"Uhn…ha, ah, ah…" Ren couldn't believe the sounds he was making between his pants, and truthfully, he was embarrassed by them. He bit down on his lip and closed his eyes, trying to suppress them.

 

"Let me hear you more, Ren." The said male felt Horohoro's breath on his ear and the shivers it sent through him. He's using that deep, husky voice, knowing that his neck isn't his only weakness. He reopened his eyes and met with Horohoro's gaze.

 

"Let me hear your voice." Horohoro murmured softly and deeply crashed their lips. He continued to thrust deeper until he hit a certain spot that made Ren's body jolt with a muffled cry. Horohoro pulled his lips away and hit that spot again harder. Ren shuddered at the sensation and Horohoro made a satisfied smirk.

 

"Right here?" He asked as if he didn't know and did it again.

 

"God, yes!" Ren screamed and clamped his eyes shut. Horohoro kept thrusting in that spot and Ren kept moaning loudly with a few screams. He suddenly grabbed Horohoro's shoulders and pulled him close.

 

"Faster...go, ah! Faster..." Ren breathed between his moans and Horohoro nodded. The bluenette took himself out of Ren's hold and sat up while still inside him. He held Ren's legs so they stuck up in the air and went with twice as much speed like a fast piston. Ren threw his head back and screamed out in ecstacy.

 

"Gods, Horo! …Oh, Horo, aah…Harder! Ah…Harder, Horo!" Ren made his breathless demands again as if he couldn't control himself. Horohoro hooked Ren's knees on his shoulders and was leaned forward above the smaller man again. Ren's lithe legs were flexible enough to be pushed so far back and give the bluenette full access. The Ainu concentrated his hard thrusts on the particular bundle of nerves and sent electrical waves throughout Ren's body.

 

"Aah! Ah, ah, ah…Horo…Oh, Horo! Uhn…Ah!" Ren arched his back on the mattress and clutched harder on the sheets as he screamed to the heavens. He couldn't stop any of the sounds he was making as much as they couldn't stop their bodies from getting slick from the sweat that danced on their skin. He couldn't even think about the sounds he was making because his mind would be blown blank by each thrust.

 

While the bed creaked below them in the heated intensity they were lost in, Horohoro pried Ren's hands off the sheets and held them in his own hands down on the bed. Ren intertwined their fingers and squeezed as tight as he can. He opens their eyes to look at Horohoro and gold meets obsidian. And again, he sees that distinct look in the bluenette's eyes, the one he was never able to figure out. He couldn't even think straight right now but he knew he had questions. But then every question was suddenly erased when Horohoro's locked lips with the Chinese. Ren tried to return the same vigor but he couldn't stop the sounds he made in between. But Horohoro didn't care, he still went as hard as he can. Then suddenly, Horohoro let go of one of Ren's hands and the younger man closed his eyes with locked brows when he felt the hand grasp his length.

 

"Horo…uhn…no." Ren whimpered as Horohoro moved his hand along with his thrusts. He couldn't keep kissing or even be screaming anymore, he was making whispery pants with Horohoro's name in between every now and then. He was so far gone, he could barely hear a word Horohoro was saying even if he was whispering into his ear too. He just felt hot breaths, the brushing of his lips, his strong thrusts, those talented hands, and sometimes, just somewhere between those desperate breaths, Ren thinks he might've heard his name. This was too much, he felt like he could just die in all this overdose of pleasure.

 

When Ren opened his eyes, he thought he was alone. But the shadow cast across the bed told him he just didn't wake up first. He sat up and turned to the other man, who was still naked, standing in front of his large window, which was more like a glass wall. Upon hearing Ren stir behind him, Horohoro turned around with a smile.

 

"Hey." He greeted and sat up on the edge of his bed next to Ren.

 

"How long have I been asleep?" Ren asked and cringed. His throat felt coarse.

 

"You mean passed out? Not too long." Horohoro snickered and stood again. "Stay here, I'll get you something to drink." Ren ignored Horohoro's first remark as the bluenette walked out of the room. He then noticed that the sheets he was covered in were clean new ones, and though he was also still naked as well, he was cleaned up. Horohoro had obviously gone out of his way while he was passed out. That courtesy reminded Ren the way the bluenette was earlier. How kind and gentle he was, and the way he tried to make it as easy as he can for the Chinese. And it made Ren think about the way he was with the bluenette a few years back. He didn't try to be gentle, nor did he even think about making it easier for Horohoro. He never went out of his way to do any of the things Horohoro did. He probably didn't even put any thought to it. Before Ren could think deeper into that, the Ainu returned with a glass of water. He handed it to Ren and sat next to him again, and the Chinese washed the cool liquid down his throat. When he was done, Horohoro took the glass and set it on the side table.

 

"Feel better?"

 

"Yeah, thanks."

 

"No problem." Horohoro said and made a coy grin. "You made so much noise, got me worried you might not be able to sing for a while if you lost your voice." Ren made a glare but with cheeks so red, it was hardly as scary as it could be.

 

"What time is it?" Ren asked to change the subject.

 

"Around quarter 'til two."

 

"So it's still dark out."

 

"Yup. Wanna go see?" Ren nodded to the offer and climbed off the bed while still holding the sheets around him. It's not that he wanted to hide anything, there's really no point to that now. He just wanted to stay warm.

 

"You ok?" Horohoro asked but Ren kept walking. The truth was, his legs felt stiff and the rest of the lower half of his body felt rather uncomfortable. But anyone who knew Ren would know not to expect him to show it. So the Chinese stood in front of the window and stared out at the scattered city lights. And from where he stood, on the highest floor of such a tall building, it was like seeing the sky upside down. Horohoro knows that it's one of Ren's favorite features of the Ainu's home.

 

Ren looked up and in the window's reflection, he could see Horohoro standing behind him. His eyes were on Ren's back and the younger man knew where they were looking. Ren began to draw the sheets tighter around himself to hide that hideous scar and broken tattoo. But then the bluenette's hands stopped his arms and he pulled the sheets down his small shoulders. And to Ren's absolute shock, the older man leaned in and kissed the scar. Not just once; he did it again and again, and even a fourth time. He even kissed the tattoo a few times. Ren never turned around; he just watched Horohoro's reflection in the window and felt each gentle touch of his lips. Horohoro stared back at Ren through the window's reflection. He wasn't revolted, or rejecting, or even pitying. It's like he was looking into Ren and who he is, and accepting that this scar and tattoo is what makes him too. Ren was speechless to such eyes.

 

"Am I the first?" Horohoro asked quietly and gave another kiss to Ren's shoulder. The Chinese didn't need him to elaborate; he knows that he's asking if he's the first to be inside him. And as if he just admitted he was a virgin, Ren felt his face flush and he averted his eyes.

 

"Hey, it's ok." Horohoro said and pulled Ren into his arms from behind. "You're not just my first but my only one." At this, Ren's eyes widened slightly and Horohoro chuckled.

 

"It's true. All the others couldn't do that to me." And at this, Ren turned away from the window's reflection to look at Horohoro's real face.

 

_Others?_

 

Ren suddenly felt something well up inside him. Just as Horohoro was letting go of Ren's waist, the Chinese turned around, grabbed his shoulders, and pulled him back. Caught in total surprise, Horohoro's slightly open lips crashed with Ren's. The vocalist's tongue intruded the man's mouth and roamed it with a feverish force. His arms coiled around Horohoro's neck tightly and he buried his fingers in the azure locks. Horohoro was stricken with shock to the vigor as Ren went as hard as he can. It almost felt desperate, like he was seeking Horohoro through the kiss.

 

Ren pulled away from Horohoro, panting with reddened cheeks. He couldn't understand what had come over himself. He wasn't even thinking, it's like he just acted on blind instinct. When Horohoro mentioned about all the others, like he was bringing someone else in, his previous lovers and flings, he couldn't help it. He didn't want him to think about someone else or even mention them. He didn't want him to think he was everyone else, let alone compare them. Suddenly Ren just wanted Horohoro to only see him. To think only about him. To only feel him. It wasn't like him to act so needy and Ren was so embarrassed, he couldn't even look at Horohoro. But he did when one of Horohoro's hands touched his cheek and moved his face. The bluenette gazed at his face, at how wistful and hesitant it looked with eyes glazed over and softly tinted cheeks. It was so different from the face he usually knew, Ren was probably doing it unconsciously. He even almost looked timid. And as those uncertain eyes stared back in its amber gaze, Ren saw it again, that peculiar look in Horohoro. It was strange, Ren didn't even know what made it so distinct that it captivated him so much. It never ceased like Yoh, it was always there whenever his eyes met with the Ainu's. He wanted to know what it was, what it meant. How did it captivate him so much?

 

How did Horohoro captivate him so much?

 

But Ren didn't think anymore about that because Horohoro had kissed him again. Ren returned it with the same hunger, feeling like they were yearning the same thing. Ren never thought deeply about it before but after that one-year separation, he now knew that he truly enjoyed kissing Horohoro. The way their lips moved tenderly over one another, how their tongues tangled fiercely against each other. It's like they sought for each other in this one passionate action.

 

When the two pulled away, they already knew they had grown hard again. Without a word, Horohoro moved down on his knees and took Ren into his mouth.

 

"Uhnn…" Ren vocalized the feel of Horohoro's tongue slithering like a wet snake in the best places as he sucked. His head fell back on the window and he held Horohro's head in his hands, his hold barely firm at all. He moved Horohoro's head weakly and the bluenette followed these movements, never stopping his tongue or the sucking. Ren felt like he could fuse into the hot cavity. But then Horohoro's mouth suddenly left Ren's length and he rose on his feet again. Ren could only look at him in a confused stare.

 

Horohoro took one of Ren's knees and lifted his leg, then stuck two fingers into Ren's entrance. He was surprised at how hot and wet Ren already was. Ren narrowed his eyes to the feel, not so painful as it was the first time. And from the sex they had not so long ago, Ren's entrance easily accepted the third digit and stretched out rather quickly. And once it did, Horohoro's hardness was inside Ren and the younger man let out a deep, loud moan. As he still held on to one of Ren's legs, Horohoro gave a few thrusts. Ren vocalized his pleasure each time, but then he placed his hands on Horohoro's shoulders and brought him to a stop. This time it was Horohoro who gave Ren the confused stare.

 

"You were lucky the first time, Horo. But I get to be on top." Ren said as firmly as he can, despite his current state. Horohoro raised a brow, and then a familiar wolfish smirk made its way across his face. It made Ren curious and suspicious.

 

"Alright, you can be on top." Horohoro said and while he still remained inside Ren, he held the Chinese in place while he lowered down to the floor. When Ren realized what was going on, the bluenette was already sitting, still inside, with the smaller man straddled on top of him.

 

"Horo, this isn't what I—ah!" Ren was cut off by his own cry when Horohoro made a thrust, right on the spot where he liked it. The bluenette made two more and Ren threw his head back with a muted shout.

 

"Horo, this isn't...ah, ah!...fair..." Ren protested weakly but Horohoro paid no mind and leaned back until he was lying on his back with his length still inside Ren.

 

"You wanted to be on top." The Ainu said cleverly and thrust up to that spot again. Although Ren could just step off of Horohoro, the truth was, he wanted more. He had actually started to move his hips with the bluenette's movements. If more was said, Horohoro stopped moving but Ren hasn't. He jerked up and down on top of Horohoro and his hard erection, his eyes closed and his glossy lips agape, his head held back, his face deeply flushed, and his body shinning with perspiration. Horohoro wondered if he's ever seen anything so incredible. Overwhelmed by its temptation, Horohoro gave another hard thrust. The impact of gravity and their collision sent what felt like electricity through Ren and the Chinese let out an ecstatic cry, and a gasp that elevated to a long, shuddering breath. Next thing he knew, Horohoro sat up again, pushed Ren back against the window with himself still inside.

 

"Aah, Horokeu!" Ren cried out to the impact of the bluenette slamming onto that perfect place. Horohoro spread Ren's legs open by the knees and pushed them back, giving him full access. He then went the fastest and hardest he can go.

 

"Aa! Ah-ah! ...Oh, God…Oh…Horo!...Ah! Horo, Horokeu...!" Horohoro took Ren's hands and held them against the window, over the mist that traced around the Chinese. Ren was rendered helpless to the ecstatic blows, and he continued to cry out as if that's all he knew how to do. Some of the mist dripped like the window was melting. Like how Ren felt like he could melt away too. Then there was one last cry out to the heavens, and he was out.


	15. Chapter 11+

Ren opened his eyes half way behind a curtain of purple bangs. The pair of amber irises glowed in the dim darkness as he lies still on his side for consciousness to settle in completely. Once he found the will, he sluggishly sat up and instantly, he felt a sensational pain surge through him. He winced and hissed through his teeth, fully awoken by the discomfort. It also reminded him of why he wasn't in his room or even home. He briefly scanned the room and noticed how quiet and still it was. Ren raised an inquisitive brow and was ready to rise out of bed. He then made a discovery.

 

His legs couldn't move.

 

Heat rushed to Ren's cheeks as memories of last night flooded his mind. Some of it was hard to believe but his current... condition was more than enough proof. But right now he just wanted to get out of bed and get his clothes on, at least. It took a few minutes for his legs to kick in but he was still sore. He limped around the room on stiff legs to pick up his littered clothes and changed back into them. He assumed that Horohoro was somewhere in his home. But not in the showers for it was empty, even the lights were off. For the time being, he stiffly limped out the room, cringing in pain as he did. When he reached the living room, another fact was brought to his attention. Not just the bedroom, but the lights of the whole apartment were off. There was no sound, no sign of any movement from anything. Or anyone. Ren didn't have to search through the place to know he was the only one there. He had already confirmed it from the still emptiness he senses. There was no one else around, let alone Horohoro. He was alone.

 

Ren narrowed his eyes dangerously as he walked to the front door. But he was calm as he walked out, silent as the lonely apartment. He maintained himself through his trip down the elevator and to his car, not once looking back. Not once allowing to forgive himself. He just kept telling himself that this was nothing.


	16. Chapter 12 Part 1

Oversoul's been busy again for several weeks that added to about two months and a half after Ren's last encounter with Horohoro. And their vocalist may have never said it, but he was glad that they had such a crammed schedule, thankful maybe even because it was actually in his convenience. It was how Ren wanted—or needed it. If there were anything he did want to complain about, it'd be that he managed through those weeks coping with the continuous phone calls from Horohoro by ignoring them, and the constant text messages by deleting them before even reading. He knew that the way he dealt with it was childish, but he also knew that he wouldn't be able to respond to any of it rationally anyway. The whole situation seemed to be out of his control and the full knowledge of that set the young man on a dangerous mental edge that he held on to rather desperately. So he was rather pleased when he heard the news that Oversoul was about to have work overseas, more pleased than anyone would've ever guessed.

 

Ren never told anyone that he saw Horohoro, not even mentioned his name. He was by no means going to let anyone know what happened between him and the bluenette. He had every intent to bury it like a corpse of the dead past that it was. Best way to do that was to keep it out of his head. And he figured, he could get by doing that with ease as long as work helped him out.

 

But now, Oversoul was at a house party, one of those exclusive ones that put them among a crowd labeled ‘exclusively VIP’. It was Manta's idea that the band went out for some fun since it has been a while. Not that Ren actually cared, although maybe he would if it had a little more class. It was one of those parties that made a lot of noise, the kind that didn't matter how big of a mess you made because someone will be called later to clean it up. Ren never cared for these social gatherings. All he knew was that it was hosted by a guy named Ryu, someone big in the music and entertainment industry who Oversoul had worked with in the past. He didn't make much of an impression on Ren if the Chinese didn't remember him, but Manta made a point that the whole band came. And apparently, he was a friend of the manager and Yoh as well. So it was one of those nights that are more political than social for Ren, and he hated it but he's willing to endure one night. One more night and he'll be on a plane.

 

Ren glowered at the glass he's holding, realizing that he's not as pleased as he wished he were. The fact was, even though he evaded Horohoro and kept telling himself that they had nothing to talk about, he felt like he actually did have a lot to say to the bluenette. The problem was what. What could he possibly have to say to the Ainu? Technically, he didn't do anything that Ren should consider wrong. So with that same technicality, Ren didn't have any excuses for his behavior, let alone a decent reason to be upset. Not one that the vocalist could think of. But he /felt/ like he should. Or maybe that's what's really getting to him; he has nothing to justify his aggravation. But aggravation for what? Justify himself for what?

 

"Do you ever have fun?" Ren didn't even turn his head to where the voice came from since it was more like a vague murmur, too far away for him to even reply to it. Or rather, he was the one who was distant. So Hao moved from the wall he was leaning on and invaded Ren's field of vision himself. And the vocalist was caught off guard, almost mistaking the brunette for Yoh. Hao could've easily pulled it off with that hoodie and cap to hide his hair. All he needed were a pair of sunglasses and Ren probably wouldn't have even recognized him. The voice that he wasn't paying attention to was the only clue.

 

Though for a second he was a bit surprised, Ren remained still with a stoic stare. His attention was still a little dim but he gathered enough of himself to wonder, how pitiful this was. He has never mistaken Yoh for Hao, and vise versa. Unlike most people, he's known the twins long enough to know their differences that lie deeper within their exterior boundaries. Was he really so mindlessly submerged that he had gone so blind?

 

"So, Ren, anything up with you?" Hao continued with absolute boredom on his face. He didn't seem to care that maybe he's being ignored. Perhaps he had nothing better to do. Ren still wasn't paying much attention as he took a sip from his glass with a reply coming to mind. But instead he almost forgot to swallow his drink upon seeing the face of what that reply was about to be. His mind was suddenly awoken and back in the room, and his lips went into a fine line. He continued to ignore Hao but the older man cocked his head to the side, raising a curious brow.

 

"There _is_ something." The model intoned, suddenly interested. "Or maybe... it's _someone_." He added with an amused smirk. Sometimes he was just so good at catching on.

 

"Aw, what's the matter? Missing someone a little too much?"

 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Ren turned his face away from Hao and scoffed at the ridicule. But it was hard to sound oblivious when awareness made your heart beat so fast. And it made Hao grin to see the vocalist struggling under his own skin.

 

"Come on, Ren, you can do better than that." The brunette shot back with a laugh and continued, "Lemme guess; is it an ex?"

 

"Fuck off, Hao." Ren maintained his order to a low hiss through clenched teeth. He wasn't about to make a scene. But that just made Hao laugh even more.

 

"What? He's an ex-band member, isn't he?" Apparently, this is no longer going to be anonymous.

 

"What'd you think I meant?" Ren sent a hard glare at Hao and what he implied. But the model leaned forward close to the Chinese like there was a secret to tell. His smile attested that he wasn't quite done. Ren could have sworn the brunette was smiling fangs.

 

"Just can't get him out of your head, can you?" Dead on. In less than five minutes, the brunette dug up what Ren had been trying so hard to hide these past two months and a half. And Hao's crooked smile grew wider just a little bit when Ren swallowed hard on the spoken truth. The truth that, even with all the distractions he claims to be busy with, none of it really did the job that he desperately needed them to do. Even earlier, he could've walked away or done something to get the brunette away the moment he realized it was Hao. But carelessly letting him stay wasn't what was so pathetic. No, it's worse. He saw a distraction and went for it like a moth flying into fire. He was just doing what he can to get the blue-haired Ainu out of his mind. And nothing is working. Hao was right.

 

Ren seemed un-phased at first glance, but his golden eyes were frozen over, frantic for a retort to regain himself. But the older man held that unblinking gaze and kept smiling away, not saying anything more. And somehow, the vocalist knew that whatever he comes up with would be useless. But then, Hao averted his gaze from Ren's face to behind the Chinese.

 

"Speaking of ex... there's your man now." Hao's words made every nerve in Ren go tight as he turned around. And the damn model was right once again. Horohoro already walked through the front door and headed towards the large space of the house everyone else was at.

 

"What's he doing here?" Hao asked the exact question Ren was too choked to ask. The bluenette seemed to have come alone, so if he wasn't tagging along with someone, maybe he was invited as well. But Oversoul worked with Ryu after Horohoro left so that possibility's already been ruled out. Whatever it was that brought him here, Ren wanted to tear it from the inside out. This is just about the last thing he needs and he's willing to deal with Manta later if he can catch a cab home right now. But his whole body is too stiff to make any move. His amber eyes are fixed on the Ainu who walked unknowingly in the room, scanning it and taking a casual look around at all the people. But within that whole crowd of faces, those obsidian eyes found only one person. He stopped in his tracks and his eyes locked on that particular figure. Their gaze clashed and held each other, even if they were on the opposite sides of the room. A room filled with enough voices to compete with the music that reached every corner. They were surrounded by a sea of noises and faces. And yet it was like everyone else had gone invisible in the moment they were stuck in. Between these two, it was quiet and subtle like still water.

 

Horohoro's revived steps were like a ripple in that still water. Ren's eyes were still fixated on him at first, still entranced, still curious. But then he realized, that obsidian gaze was tied just as much with his amber own, burning just as much. The bluenette was coming straight for him. It was a realization that struck Ren in a way that sent him weaving through the crowd with desperation to get away.

 

Ren finally got himself to look over his shoulder when he realized he was outside. Horohoro was nowhere in sight. He didn't know exactly how to explain what just happened. He was just overwhelmed by a compelling feeling to get away from the bluenette. It probably had something to do with why he had been trying to shake him off these past two and a half months, which is still a mystery at hand. Of course Ren knows how ridiculous this was. First avoiding all means of communication with the Ainu and now running around so he won't even have to run into him. What a way to face a problem. He was being as mature as a sixteen-year-old ignoring a friend he was mad at. Ren sighed at the absurdity of it all. And he looked around again at where he was, which was the backyard. More music was playing out here and people danced to it around the pool while others were splashing around in it. He then spotted a bar and decided he needs another drink to calm his nerves.

 

For a while, Ren just stood idly in the outdoor party and stared out at the crowd with his drink. No one came over to talk to him. A number of people noticed him and maybe have attempted to greet him, but seemed to have dropped the idea midway when they got a better look at him. Someone once told him that he had that affect on people. He was in no mood to care. But by the time Ren finished his second drink, he wasn't so far on edge and decided to go back inside. It's a big house, what're the odds of running into that bluenette again? But when he did get back inside, Ren didn't really have a place to go. The Chinese just walked absentmindedly, thinking maybe he'll find Yoh or Faust somewhere.

 

"Hey, Ren!" Ren's feet stopped to the voice he recognized this time. He turned around and almost immediately, an arm made its way around his shoulder and Yoh pulled him over. The shorter man was about to protest but his throat clogged and his eyes widened slightly at the other man standing next to Yoh. Someone that made Ren feel that prickly tension surface again. But the guitarist didn't seem to notice, possibly because he's had a few drinks already.

 

"Look who's finally here, Ren." Yoh said with his usual lazy grin and his other arm slung around Horohoro's shoulders. At first, the situation had Ren cornered and he couldn't react. But then something Yoh said caught his attention.

 

"Finally? You knew he was coming?"

 

"Yeah, I told him to stop by when he can. Thought it'd be good to hang out before we left tomorrow."

 

"... Is that so?" Ironically, Ren's response was stunningly flat. But the warm, fiery hue of his eyes contradicted the cold stare he looked through at Horohoro. The Ainu returned that look with eyes that held a certain calm, the sort that foreboded a storm was coming.

 

"Hey, Yoh, mind if I have a minute with Ren? Alone." Horohoro's request made it so hard to keep a straight face, Ren had to clench the back of his teeth. He masked his distress with indifference but turned to Yoh with hopes that the brunette will sense the signals he sent through it. Not that he believed in telepathy, but Yoh is the only person he knows who's actually capable of making it seem like there is such a thing. The guitarist looked at the Chinese and then paused for a small moment.

 

"Yeah, go ahead." He shrugged and let go of his friends. The carefree voice dropped a stone into Ren's gut. If telepathy did exist, his didn't reach the brunette.

 

"Thanks." Horohoro said and began to walk. Ren knew that he should follow but the stone in his gut even made his feet heavy. Because he knew, there was no way out now.

 

"Not like you to run." Ren turns around to Yoh who nods his head once to his friend to go. And that knowing smile made Ren realize that he was wrong. His distress did reach the guitarist. This was just his response to it. And the Chinese sees that it's true. All this time, Ren's been running. Work was just a convenient excuse. And he just tried to make another excuse out of Yoh. But Ren isn't cut out for that. It just wasn't him. That's what Yoh wanted to say. And he's right.

 

Ren quickly caught up with Horohoro who waited for him ahead. He didn't know what to say so he didn't say anything as he followed the bluenette's back through the people. He can get an idea on what this was going to be about, so it was better they got alone somewhere. Ren wondered where and how they could get that kind of privacy but he continued to follow without questions. He raised a skeptical brow when they came to a door below some stairs. Some of the guests stood around the stairs, and a there were probably some hanging around upstairs so they couldn't go there. But no one seemed to notice this door. Not that anyone really should, it looked like one of those small broom closets. But without hesitation, Horohoro opened the door and went in, and although uneasy, Ren followed. He was shocked to be going down a flight of stairs instead of walking into a stack of brooms. At the bottom, they reached a small space with three doors. Horohoro chose one of them with Ren still right behind him, and they entered what seemed to be a bedroom.

 

"You sure we're allowed in here?" Ren asked as he looked around the rather plain room. "Looks like it's suppose to be a secret."

 

"It's just a guest room." Horohoro answered as he closed the door. "I asked for a place to lie down. The noise can barely get over here." This was true. The noise was still a bit faint but hardly a bother, and the bass from the music couldn't even shake the floor or walls.

 

"Convenient." Ren commented, figuring that no one could hear them down here either. "When did you guys get to being such good friends?"

 

"We met at a party once, then hung out some times. He's ok with letting me borrow one of these rooms. Otherwise he wouldn't have told me about it."

 

"But I guess it's not open to all guests, since almost everyone doesn't seem to know about it, including me. Does he even know I'm down here with you?"

 

"Well, I think it'd be best that no one knows. Like you said, it's a pretty secretive place. Anyone find out, it could lead to rumors with the way it looks, if you know what I mean."

 

"... Yeah, good point."

 

"So, anything, you wanna tell me?" Ren made a face at Horohoro and his question.

 

"I should be asking you since you brought us here."

 

"I brought us here because I know you have something to say."

 

"What're you talking about?"

 

"I'm talking about why you were avoiding me earlier." Ren froze for a second, his blood running cold.

 

"I just... didn't see you." The Chinese stammered in a low voice.

 

"You saw me. You looked straight at me. Then you were gone, just like that. What the fuck were you doing if you weren't avoiding me!?" Ren wanted to say something in his defense but so far, he's got nothing.

 

"Speaking of avoiding," Horohoro went on, "you haven't returned any of my calls or messages."

 

"Well in case you forgot, I'm still in a band. A rather popular band and we get pretty busy."

 

"Cut the crap!"

 

"Why don't _you_ cut the crap and get on with whatever the fuck it is that you want!?" There was a pause between the two. Horohoro drew in a heavy breath to calm down, thinking about how lucky they were that no one would hear their screaming.

 

"Look, it's obvious enough that something's on your mind and getting you pissed off. And I bet it has to do with the last time we saw each other." A whole new kind of tension consumed Ren.

 

"I'm not pissed about that." He argued lowly even though his hands were balling into fists.

 

"Oh yeah? Then why the coldshoulder lately? And don't give me any of that being busy bull shit."

 

"Horo, I'm pissed off because you dragged me down here without so much as an explanation, which you still haven't given me. I don't give a damn about that night."

 

"... So you don't care about what I said either."

 

"Said what?" Ren said with a face that made Horohoro sigh irritably because it didn't hide how clueless he was.

 

"That night I told you... I told you I wanna start over."

 

"Start over? Start over!?" Ren was suddenly overcome by the two words he wished he hadn't remembered. "Yeah, what the hell did you mean by that anyway!? What, did you want to start over with me being the bitch this time!?" Time froze between the two again, Ren staring with infuriated eyes. Through the heavy silence, he didn't realize what he said until he noticed the way the bluenette stared back at him. Growing up with the kind of family and life he had, there are a lot of things he's seen and done in his life, and he'd take all the blame without thinking twice. But for some reason, he never wanted to be responsible for eyes looking like that. He never wants to see them coming from this man. Not ever.

 

"So that's what I was to you." Horohoro whispered, breaking the silence but not the air surrounding them.

 

"Horo, I didn't mean..."

 

"That's what I was to you, right?"

 

"Horo..."

 

"No, you know what's really funny, Ren?" Horohoro didn't let the other man finish, totally uninterested in his justification. "You're right, we never had anything to begin with. So maybe, starting over wasn't the right thing to say because that's what you say after breaking up, which is hard for us since we never had anything to break up from!" Ren stared in silence whereas Horohoro was yelling again.

 

"But you know what's funnier? This reaction you've been giving me for the past couple of months, like you're angry or upset about something. Like I did something wrong." It frustrated Ren that he couldn't argue with that when he wanted to so much.

 

"What? So it's not about that night? It's not about being the bitch for a change?"

 

"Shut up." Ren demanded, Horohoro's piercing sarcasm having put a crack in his patience. But the Ainu didn't stop there.

 

"Or was it the morning after? Being the bitch left behind?"

 

"Shut up! I said I don't care! I don't give a shit!"

 

"Oh really? So we're cool then. No problem, huh? Alright then, I guess I don't even need to apologize since you claim you don't care."

 

"That's right." Ren's voice goes uneven in his attempt to indifference, despite his previous outburst. Horohoro scoffed in cynical amusement and looked at Ren with a smirk.

 

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Why're we even bothering about this, right? I mean, let's just say, hypothetically, we did wake up together. And let's say I did ignore you as I went through my morning business, ignored you the whole time until I left my room. And while we're at it, let's say I ignored you until I finally walked out the front door and left you alone. And let's say I even went off and fucked someone else, say maybe a day or two later." Ren said nothing throughout Horohoro's hypothetical synopsis, just listened with steady, unblinking eyes and a tight throat. The bluenette's sarcasm held such a sharp, cold edge that it sliced his tongue short before his voice could even reach it.

 

"That's what you assumed, wasn't it? Bet you didn't even consider another scenario." Words poured out of Horohoro like poison but his eyes were full of hurt like he was the one swallowing them down through his cynical smirk. "I mean, why would you? It's happened a lot before." That smile disappeared instantly.

 

"Just the other way around." Ren's heart stopped in that instant. Horohoro continued, sounding even colder.

 

"Even if that was what happened, it would've been no different from what you've done, Ren. And you know, maybe I'm not inclined to do this but I think I'll take the liberty anyway. Just to clear some things up." Ren swallows hard. What more could he have to say?

 

"First of all, when I woke up that morning, you know why I didn't wake you? It's because you looked so peaceful, so beautiful..." Horohoro stopped like he still couldn't find the right word, even though the word beautiful already took Ren by too much of a surprise. No one called him that, said it to him like Horohoro did.

 

"And I just couldn't wake you. I wanted to let you sleep like that." Horohro went on.

 

"Know why I was gone?" Ren wasn't sure if he couldn't answer this or if he just didn't want to, so he remained muted.

 

"I went downstairs to go out to the mini mart. There was nothing decent to eat at my place so I thought maybe I could buy something. Maybe make you breakfast. Thought you might like that." By now, Horohoro's voice was quiet again, almost sounding tragic. And Ren still couldn't get anything out of himself. How could he after hearing all that? What could he possibly say?

 

"You know, I still don't know if I was surprised or not when I got home to see you gone. I know it seemed like it was all no different from what you do." Ren endured the stabbing feeling in his chest as he tried to swallow down what Horohoro said.

 

"But it was different, Ren. I was going to come back. I wasn't going to leave you alone. I wasn't going to ignore you or fuck someone else." Horohoro walks up to Ren and looks him in the eyes in a way that doesn't let the vocalist look away.

 

"I'm not like you."

 

A sharp sound resonates through the room. Horohoro puts a hand on his cheek where an absolutely vicious hand had crossed and left a hot sting. He then scoffs with a bitter, remorseful smirk. Ren stood shocked as if he didn't expect himself to do that either. He opens his mouth to say something but Horohoro holds up a hand without even looking at him.

 

"No, Ren. Just... no. I'm done." Still without looking at Ren, Horohoro walks past the Chinese and leaves the room.


	17. Chapter 12 Part 2

Ren wondered if Horohoro's cheek hurt as much as his hand did. He wondered why he even did that to the Ainu. He wondered what just happened. Oh yeah, that's right.

 

He said he was done.

 

But done with what? The conversation they just had? Putting up with these senseless arguments? Putting up with him? ...To be done means come to an end. But the end of what? Their friendship? Whatever it was that connected them? Or just everything they had? ...What did they ever have anyway?

 

And then it hits Ren like a truck that only makes sense when the headlights get too close.

 

The bluenette said it himself. There was nothing between them from the start. There was no we and there was no us. Well, it's Ren who said it first; Horohoro just repeated it in his own words colored ever so resentfully. It's what Ren always told himself, like a reminder that it's the truth. But when it's sucked in and spit out so crudely at him like that, like the truth he believed in was so vile, it made the Chinese wonder why he felt like he was the one who got slapped across the face. He wondered why it was such a shocking surprise. He wondered what it was that he wanted to say to Horohoro before the Ainu interrupted him to say he was done.

 

And then he wondered what the hell he was still doing in this stupid room.

 

Ren moved himself to the closed door but stopped right in front of it with his hand on the knob. He couldn't go out there feeling like this. It was a strange feeling. Like his head could explode at any second. And then at the same time it felt compressed like it's about to be crushed. He felt like he's floating away from something. Or maybe he was falling slowly. Or maybe drifting. Drifting down.

 

He's drowning

 

He couldn't find the surface. But as if he did, he closed his eyes and took a breath for the air he needed. He still felt like shit. But it'll have to do for now, just to make it through tonight. Will he make it? Ren thought about that while he dragged his feet up the stairs and went out the door. How can two words hit him so hard? Or maybe it's not the words... but the man who spoke them that's pulling him down.

 

"You ok?" Ren looked at Hao who stood by the stairs as if he had been waiting. All he could make out were the voice and the meticulous smirk it came from. There was something about the brunette that made him different from when Ren saw him earlier. Something the Chinese couldn't see even though the man was clear in sight. But then again, it didn't feel like Hao was anywhere near where he was, just like the rest of these people. Right now, Ren was somewhere remote and deserted. Nothing around him was interesting. Every detail was a blur too hopeless to be relevant. Everything was unimportant.

 

"You look like you could use a few drinks." Oh, if only that's all he needed.

 

"One of the best things about being people like us," Hao suddenly began as he kept his eyes on Ren with a thoughtful gaze. "Is the great parties you get to be invited to. And the best parties," he kept going as if it didn't matter if Ren was listening or not. "Are the ones that have all the fun stuff happening behind closed doors." Ren made a displeased frown but Hao held up a finger so the Chinese would let him continue.

 

"That doesn't just mean sex." The older man pointed out, knowing that's what Ren was about to deny.

 

"It's the kind of fun everyone talks about after the party's over, and the truth is twisted with every flick of the tongue that passes them on. The kind of fun that ends up getting twisted to the point of no return where no one is sure of how much of what they heard or said is true, or if any of it was even true from the start. It's because they don't know that people call it fun—or funny." Hao chuckled to himself as if he hasn't gotten to the best part yet.

 

"But the people who do know the truth, the people everyone else knowingly or unknowingly talks about, might call it fun too. And if they do, they're lucky. Because if they don't, then they call it a mistake. And then from there, it's whether it's careless or regretful." The corner of Hao's lips lifted just a little. There's that smile again. The one with the thirsty fangs.

 

"So which was it for you, Ren?" The addressed male just answered with a loathsome glare. Hao switched his face to that good-natured smile that always made Ren tick because of how much it made him feel mocked. It was total counterfeit because it never meant how it looked. He preferred the fangs.

 

"Hey, I didn't follow you guys. I just saw Horohoro earlier come out that door, not looking too happy, and then you come out looking all upset too." Ren eyed Hao carefully for a few seconds, and then walked away. Hearing the bluenette's name drained him the will to even tell the Asakura to back off. He could only assume that he's telling the truth. For now, he's going to need another drink from the bar outside where he could get some air too.

 

Ren wasn't the only one who went for the bar. Horohoro just stayed indoors. But the Ainu wasn't a lightweight like Ren, just one or two drinks wasn't enough. Along with that, people knew him for his sociable character so he mingled with them, pretending to enjoy it. He really didn't feel like it but it was a cover-up. But after a while, he got tired of trying to keep it up and felt more like spilling it to someone. And he found the perfect guy. The Ainu walked on feet that couldn't trail a straight line. Looks like he drank a little more than he thought.

 

"Yoh! Heeey Yoh!" Horohoro drawled and put an arm around the said male's shoulder.

 

"What's up, Horo?" The brunette said with a half-smile as he managed to support the weight Horohoro entrusted on him. "You doin' alright?" He asked and Horohoro laughed.

 

"I dun' know what I'm doin', Yoh." The brunette looked at Horohoro oddly. There's the smile of a happy drunk but something wasn't right about those words and the supposedly happy drunk that spoke them. He then excused himself from the people he had been talking with and began walking with Horohoro still hanging on, wondering how much easier it would be if he wasn't drunk as well.

 

"Where're we goin'? I still gotta talk't'ya."

 

"Well, don't say anything yet." The Asakura ordered while confirming he was right. He couldn't say he was anywhere near being sober himself, but Horohoro and his slurred tongue was like a ticking time bomb. There's no telling what might slip on all those drinks. So he dragged the bluenette down some stairs and took him to one of the guest rooms. He closed the door behind them without bothering to turn on the lights. He then let Horohoro stand on his own and stood himself directly in front of him.

 

"Ok, Horo. What is it you wanna talk about?" Contrary to his previous demand, the bluenette didn't say anything. For a while he just stared at his friend with drunken eyes that fought lazy lids. But no matter how much his head swayed, whatever he wanted to say didn't sway along or stray from his mind. His awaiting friend could tell just by staring back into those eyes. So he kept waiting for whatever it was, not wanting to say anything before his blue-haired friend. But instead of speaking, Horohoro looked down at his feet and laughed. But it was an empty laugh, disconnected from any kind of humor. Weak because it's weighed by the desolate irony and sarcasm it comes from. A tragic sound that's meant to be directed at himself. It meant something painful was below the surface, just begging to show its face.

 

"You don't know how lucky you are, Yoh." The bluenette suddenly said and looked up again at his friend. There was a wry smile painted by the something he didn't want to accept.

 

"So what's it like?" The other man couldn't respond to a question that he couldn't make sense out of. But Horohoro snickered like that didn't matter.

 

"Ok, tell me instead... how you did it." The strange gleam in his eyes made it apparent that this is what mattered.

 

"Come on, Yoh, tell me." Horohoro's voice faltered as he continues to pry with stretching patience. "Come on, man, this isn't fair. You know it isn't."

 

"...What'd I do?" The Asakura is unphased by the bluenette's desperation but his question is genuinely earnest. But that just triggered Horohoro. Unable to keep his forced smile in place, his lips twisted to the taste of the bitter truth that plagued him.

 

"/Move on/." He seethed with the anger that made him grab the collar of his friend's shirt. A flash of shock crossed the brunette's face, not to the sudden uphold, but to the two words. He went silent again, somehow figuring he shouldn't respond just yet. It's best that one of the two stayed calm and it's obvious who it wasn't going to be. Horohoro glared into the chestnut eyes of that silence.

 

"How'd you do it?" It wasn't a question anymore. It was a plea.

 

"It's not fucking fair! Why!? Why do _you_ get to move on while _I’m_ still stuck!? Goddamn it!" He pushed the brunette away and falls back on the wall with a hanging head.

 

"I try and try and try and try..." He trailed off wearily and sighs.

 

"I tried, Yoh. I really did." The addressed male wasn't sure if that was a confession or a requiem. But that didn't matter.

 

"...I know." That's what mattered.

 

"Shit, I'm so fucking sick of this. I don't know if I can keep it up any longer. I'm not sure if I even know how anymore." Saying such words made the air in his lungs feel too thick.

 

"I'm sorry, Yoh. I didn't mean to dump all this on you. It's just... I guess I just don't get it. We both started off the same. But... I'm still the only one... holding on. I don't... know why. I just... can't let go..." Horohoro's speech grows more and more drowsy.

 

"I'm so stupid, Yoh... so... fucking stupid..." The intoxication made his head sway slowly as it dragged his body down the wall.

 

"Come on, Horo. You should lie down." The brunette holds out a hand with a soft smile as if the previous tantrum didn't even happen. He knows that the things he said had probably been inside the Ainu for the longest time. Alcohol just helped him to vocalize it. But he also knows that alcohol did a lot, if not most, of the talking.

 

"Remember that time we had sex, Yoh?" The gravity of the question crushed the calm smile to a dumbfounded line. As if forgetting what he was just about to do, he brings his ignored hand back to his side. Horohoro continues in a voice so serene, it can almost be considered apathetic. Alcohol can make some wild mood swings.

 

"I never forgot 'cause it only happened once. Ren was making us feel like shit again so we went to a bar. Then we went back to your place 'cause it was closer. We were too drunk to bother to even turn on any lights."

 

"So maybe our current situation isn't a very good one." The other man laughed half jokingly. Horohoro didn't seem to be listening as he tilted his head back to stare up at the ceiling with a dazed look.

 

"Why do you think we did that?"

 

"You said it yourself. It was dark, we were drunk, and we were both hung up on the same guy. It was one of those impulsive things drunk people do when they have something painful in common."

 

"Yeah, I guess... I mean, it's not like we planned for it to happen. It just did. But Ren was so pissed off when he found out. He acted like he didn't care, but I was able to tell. It was obvious." Horohoro chuckled at what actually made the memory memorable. The Asakura sighs and takes one of the bluenette's arms around his shoulders. He pulls the Ainu up from the floor and helps him walk across the room to the bed.

 

"Why do you think he got so mad?" Horohoro asked absentmindedly, unaware of how much weight he was putting on his friend. If it weren't for that, he'd know how obvious the answer was because it would have come with a shrug.

 

"Maybe he was jealous."

 

"Jealous... that's a good one." Horohoro mumbled while laughing that sad empty laugh again. They reached the bed and he sat down with the help of his friend. But instead of lying down like he should, the bluenette remained sitting while staring up at the other man with half-lidded eyes.

 

"If he were to be jealous, we wouldn't have shared the same wound in the first place." He whispered the truth that practically bleeds from his drunken sullen eyes. It seeped through the darkness surrounding the two, and kept the brunette from moving even though a part of him almost knew that maybe he had better walk away. He wasn't exactly kidding when he said this was a bad situation. He actually knew that from the start. Drunk people can do stupid things. And truth is, like Horohoro, his own drunken head's been humming the whole time as well. The real danger was how much harder that made it to resist the temptation that threatened him. The same temptation from once upon a time when there was a commonly painful wound shared. They may not share it now but this was still dangerous. The bluenette's vulnerability practically radiated from his lonely form. It screamed like a singing siren guiding the ships to their wrecks. He could feel the melody fill this room and press on his skin. Horohoro was practically inviting the danger, the mistake that was once shared. He just didn't know if he was the ship or if the singing demon had possessed him. But that didn't seem to matter. The Ainu probably thinks he'll feel better if they just gave in to the fatal lure. And that's just because the alcohol is telling him he will, lulling him a lie that he won't regret it like last time. And he probably wishes that he believed that.

 

The brunette couldn't deny the truth that he wanted, maybe even craved a taste of the mistake. For what was wrong and surely delicious. He reached out a hand and placed it on Horohoro's cheek, even though he knew it wasn't going to be enough for both of them. A taste wouldn't be enough and this illusion of intimacy barely rolled on their tongues. But the blue-haired man leaned into the hand anyway because no matter how small the offering, it was still something. The offering man stroked his thumb over the flushed cheek that alcohol painted, and the obsidian eyes closed to the gentle feel. The man suspects that Horohoro would eat right out of his hands without checking what's in them. Would he check whose hands they were?

 

"Rest for a while, Horo." Was all the Asakura had to offer as he pulled his hand away. Those obsidian eyes gleamed with disappointment as they moved up to the face that stared down at him with unreadable features. For a while the unreadable man got nothing from his friend and was about to start walking, assuming that's all he can do. Never mind what he should do. Should isn't enough to keep him from tasting if it still leaves him the choice.

 

"Yeah... you're right. I don't know what I was thinking, making you put up with me like this." Horohoro looked away from his friend like he was condemning himself, his voice weary in the attempt.

 

"I'm sorry, Yoh. You can go." Such forsaken words gave the Asakura reason to stay instead. Without a word, he sat down next to Horohoro and pulled the man into his arms. The Ainu surrendered himself into the comfort, also in silence, as he rest his head on the crook of his friend's neck where the man could feel his breaths. The brunette should know better than to bring themselves to risk such narrow proximities. Horohoro told him to go but they both know he really meant stay. The Asakura can say that he didn't turn away from his friend because he was in need. But then he would have to keep it to himself that he also knew the man needed more than just a shoulder to lean on. He needs someone. When the man in need meant stay, it was meant for someone else. The man who did stay knows that he's the wrong guy and that they can make a mistake. But Horohoro closed his eyes again, too tired to think about that anymore. Too tired from a hurt that he didn't know how to stop.

 

_I’m done._

 

That's all he said before he walked away. And then he was gone. And Ren couldn't help but ask himself, is he really gone? Is if going to be like last time? He kept asking himself all night. He'd like to ask the bluenette but he hasn't seen him since he left that room. And to be perfectly honest, it was driving him crazy. And now the party was just about over. A lot of the guests were leaving if they haven't left already or if they weren't passed out on random furniture. It wouldn't be a surprise if the Ainu did leave by now. That didn't matter though, since Ren is going to have to leave soon too. There was a plane to catch and he needed to find Faust and Yoh.

 

Yoh found himself in a bed. A migraine was there to greet him and for a moment, he tried to blink it away. But when someone else emerged into his peripheral vision, he couldn't blink anymore. Especially when that someone is a certain blue-haired man. It was only when he noticed that this man is shirtless, he realized he's only in his underwear. And his friend seems to have come to the same realization when he looked at the brunette.

 

"Yoh... what're we doing here?" Horohoro's voice trembles with his eyes wide.

 

"I don't know." Yoh answered just as dreadfully. "I don't... I don't remember... anything." He feels color drain from his whole almost-naked body and cold sweat squeeze through his tensing skin. He dropped his head into his hands, not from the throbbing and spinning, but because he couldn't stand the familiarity of this awakening.

 

"You seen Yoh anywhere?" Ren asked Faust who wasn't hard to find at all. Yoh, on the other hand, was a different story. Ren couldn't find him even after searching the whole house. And when the German bassist shook his head, the smaller man scowled.

 

"Shouldn't Yoh be resting somewhere?" Ren turned around to the female voice that said that. There was a girl with Hao standing next to her with an arm around her skinny waist.

 

"Where?" Ren asked, unconcerned about who Hao went home with.

 

"I don't know. I guess one of these rooms in this house." She shrugged and then giggled. "He's had a lot to drink." She then went off with Hao.

 

"...Thanks." Ren said uncertainly, swearing that he already checked all the rooms, including the guest rooms upstairs. And then it hit Ren that since Yoh's been friends with Ryu longer than Horohoro, there are a few other rooms he can still check.

 

"Yoh..." Horohoro began carefully as he turned to his friend, "are you sure you don't remember anything?"

 

"Yes, I'm sure." Yoh said irritably with a glare.

 

"Shit." The bluenette cursed as if regretting he asked. "Neither do I."

 

"Are you serious!?" Yoh's jaws dropped. "You have to remember. I don't even remember how I got here, Horo. I don't know what happened so I need you to tell me that nothing did. Come on, Horo, you gotta remember something." It was a plea so desperate. The kind you would never expect to hear from Yoh and it made Horohoro wish he hadn't. The Ainu put a hand to his forehead and clamped his eyes shut for hope in his blurry memory.

 

"...You were holding me." He opened his eyes to what he wishes wasn't there. He felt his chest squeeze his heart to stop it from beating. Like that's the only way to stop him from remembering.

 

"W-What?" Yoh wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it again. But he wanted to be told that he heard it wrong. That the bluenette said something entirely different, something that doesn't link them to what was being accused. Something that'll make it go away like there was never any mistake.

 

"I don't remember a lot." Horohoro went on, trying not to choke on his own suffocating heart. "But the last thing I remember is sitting on this bed with you... in your arms." He only had a few tiny pieces to reminisce; all that static randomly severed unclean and rough edges in between like a rusty butcher knife. There was the drinking. Then being in this room with Yoh. Alone. It was dark. There were words exchanged but they're muted in each piece. But the part that made his chest try to choke the very heart it encased... that's the last thing he remembers. He'd be tempted to believe that it can mean nothing, that they were just drunk.

 

"I don't remember anything after that. But..." But when they wake up together in the same bed, practically naked, clothes littered on the floor, a heavy too-many-drinks headache taking up too much space in their heads for memory... it's hard not to put two and two together. And together it brought regret to two men who have the chance to put it behind themselves if they just got out of bed, put on their clothes, and walked out the door as if a bad headache was their only problem. But they didn't have time to figure out any of that because the door opened on them first and there stood a man who abruptly stopped at the frames, going still as his staring golden eyes. The truthful secret was, his heart tried to claw its way up his dry throat, begging him to getawaygetawaygetaway.

 

"We're almost late so hurry up and get ready." But he refused to tear his eyes away, despite the capacity of what he is faced with. His voice was like a flat line on the screen of a life-support. But instead of a machine, it felt as though that line was inside of him, only it was really a thread. That snapped broken. So instead of slamming it shut, Ren closed the door with barely a sound and walked away. He spent the plane ride without so much as a word, like he finally realized he had been dead with his mouth sewn shut. It never occurred to him that it was sewn by the broken thread that his heart used to hang from.


	18. Chapter 13

_I wanna start over._

_I'm done._

 

I'm done believing you

 

_It was different._

_I'm not like you._

 

You were wrong

 

_I want you._

 

LIAR!

 

"Liar" He wanted to scream until his lungs burst but he could only manage a voice that made him sound like he could disappear. Oversoul landed just last night, and they worked all day today and there's still more scheduled. Add to that, they had to deal with jet lag. He needs his sleep and yet, here he was in the middle of the night, struggling to understand why he's sitting at the table of his dark hotel room with his head in his hands. It was the same thing last night.

 

He actually doesn't mind that he's busy. He believes he's doing just fine when he's working since he's still able to concentrate and fully function without a problem. Besides, no one else seems to see anything wrong with him, so the vocalist doesn't see why he should worry himself. But then again, he was a perfectionist and he wasn't going to let anyone think there was anything wrong with him.

 

But in the end, he's left with these sleepless nights. When work and all the distractions are put away, when he gets back to face the confines of his time alone, it's like an inferno of madness is unleashed. He knows why, he knows that it's because of a certain man and a series of events that ended with opening the wrong door at the wrong time. He tries to stop thinking about it all, about _him_ , because he can't think of anything else to stop this turmoil.

 

But he can't get what he saw out of his head.

 

It's like the picture is seared into his brain and it just won't go away. It's like opening that door had opened the gates to a different breed of hell inside him. When he got on that plane, he was supposed to put everything away, leave it all behind him for good.

 

So what the hell is going on!?

 

Instead he's left kept awake, trying to shut out the demons that haunt him. It's only been two nights but he can't let this go on. And he knows that there's a good chance it will. He wants to know what that man is doing that's slowly taking away his sanity. He tells himself that he can't let him do this because that man shouldn't even be able to.

 

So is he just going to keep breaking until he's beyond repair?

 

Just as Ren was about to press his teeth together on that thought, his cell phone rings. His amber eyes widened when he checked the name on the display. It was Yoh.

 

He didn't pick up right away. The vocalist hesitated, holding the phone in his hand while tempted to ignore the call. Though maybe not quite as much as Horohoro, Yoh was also someone the Chinese has lost so much faith in their friendship. So much that Ren has begun to think that maybe there wasn't enough to even consider anymore. The reason was obvious but the vocalist still had a hard time understanding why he should feel that way. It's not like he really had any say in what those two did. This wasn't even the first time. It shouldn't even matter.

 

But putting all that aside, the brunette was still in the band and Ren wasn't about to let go of another member just because of something that should clearly be irrelevant to him anyway. He really wanted to completely ignore the Asakura like he had with the Ainu but Ren knew better than that. Instead he's kept their contact at a minimum level limited within the boundaries of work. If it didn't have anything to do with work, Ren had nothing to talk about with the brunette.

 

For a while, Ren let his phone keep ringing, still debating on picking it up or not. But it didn't take long for him to cave to Yoh's persistence. He didn't want to answer it but he didn't like the thought of seeming so childish either. Besides, it could be about work.

 

"...Yeah?" The tone of Ren's voice didn't hesitate to welcome the call.

 

"Ren? Hey," Came Yoh's voice that sounded rather uneasy. "Um... Do you think you can come over for a sec?" Ren raised a brow to the guitarist's request.

 

"Now? Do you have any idea what time it is?"

 

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. But...I think we need to talk."

 

"And we can't just do that on the phone?"

 

"No, I think we should do this in person." Ren rolled his eyes. Oh, what could the guitarist mean by that?

 

"Fine, I'll be there in a minute."

 

"Thanks." With that, the two hung up. And since Ren wasn't really doing anything, it didn't take him long at all to be standing in front of Yoh's door. He heaved a sigh as he knocked a few times. The door opened with Yoh wearing a smile that looked as nervous as his voice when he called. He almost seemed uncertain about the meeting, which made Ren wonder why he would call for it in the first place. Was it that urgent? Knowing Yoh, it was probably more about doing the right thing, or at least what he thought was right. Whatever that was, Ren wasn't going to dwell on it since he was going to get the answer anyway, now that the guitarist let him in.

 

"Thanks again for coming. I know it's pretty late."

 

"Ridiculously late." Ren snapped without caring to tone down the harsh nature of it. He turned to Yoh with folded arms and an expectant stare, the impatient intensity speaking for him that he wanted to get this over with. It made Yoh shrink back for a moment and he couldn't find words he thought he had been prepared with. Seeing that maybe this was going to take a while, Ren sat down in one of the chairs at the table and made himself comfortable.

 

"You might as well sit down too." The Chinese said as if he held authority in the room that he wasn't even staying at. He leaned back in the chair and rest his head on a fist, waiting for the guitarist in a stance of the arrogance he was so good at. The brunette sat himself down in silence across from his friend, apparently unable to find any words at all. It seemed he wasn't as ready as he was supposed to be. It was interesting because Ren's thorny attitude didn't usually have any effect on him. It had to be guilt and there was only one thing that can make him feel so guilty.

 

"So am I here because I walked in on you guys? Should I apologize for spoiling the mood?" Ren's smug sarcasm cut sharply to the point, which he wanted to get done with. And he decided he might as well be the one to get it started if this was ever to go anywhere. And Yoh looked at him with so much alarm, one would think he wasn't ready yet.

 

"Ren, I swear, we didn't mean for it to happen." Ren couldn't believe what he had to hear from Yoh. It's almost as bad as hearing him say it's not how it seems. He narrowed his eyes to such pathetic, insulting words, disgusted by its pitiful ring. And it's too late to start regretting to show up.

 

"You say it like you want me to forgive you." Ren said lowly with his intense golden stare. "Like I should even care." He added with a snort and turned his face away from Yoh. He hated this. Just looking at the brunette filled him with a sort of dark emotion that he could only describe as betrayal. It made him want to get back at the guitarist, even though technically, the man didn't betray him. At least not Ren, anyway.

 

And then there was a thought that made Ren wonder why it never occurred to him before.

 

"...Actually," The Chinese intoned thoughtfully and turned to Yoh again.

 

"Isn't Manta the one who should be concerned?" It showed on Yoh's face that what Ren pointed out made something dreadful attack him. The younger man couldn't contain himself and his lips twisted to a cold smile. Witnessing Yoh's distress and the leverage he gained from it got him to think that he's not quite done. He then moved forward and leaned against the table, wondering if he can even remember the last time he was satisfied by someone's affliction. Especially the ones he inflicted. He didn't think that part of him was still left but then again, maybe it's something that doesn't really go away. Maybe it runs in his blood. Maybe it's just what he is.

 

"I'm guessing he doesn't know. Yet." Ren raised a brow when he made that last addition and laughed. But then he frowned when Yoh got on his feet and walked around the table. The Chinese watched him skeptically and leaned back in his chair again when the brunette stood in front of him. Yoh then gripped the arms of the chair and brought his face close to Ren's own. The vocalist didn't flinch but there was something fiery in the other man's eyes that told him to keep quiet and not to provoke him. Ren could no longer find the previous plight in the chestnut eyes. Something beyond anger has replaced it.

 

"Don't bring Manta into this just because _you’re_ having problems with your own denial." It's not that Yoh had forgotten about Manta. He's actually been his top priority in all this. The last thing he wanted to do was make a victim out of him and Ren made that comment with full knowledge of that. Yoh's voice was low when he responded to that deliberation but some raw emotion gave that quiet voice such harsh severity, it felt earth shattering. It made Ren feel his spine stiffen to see a side of the brunette he's never seen before. But that doesn't mean he was intending to back down.

 

"I'm not in any denial." Ren growled and narrowed his eyes with retaliating threat. But Yoh scoffed and took a step back from the vocalist.

 

"Come on, Ren, how long do you plan to tell yourself that?"

 

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Ren retorted and glowered with much hostility. Not that Yoh couldn't rival it.

 

"What'd you think it means!? What'd you think all this shit happening to you means!?" Ren bites down on his lip, frustrated for not being able to yell back at Yoh. The truth was, Yoh wanted him to yell back, to actually answer his questions. Of course, he just could tell his friend. But that would take the whole meaning away. Ren had to figure it out and say it for himself. And the younger man's failure to do so further fueled his own frustration.

 

"Oh, you don't know? Is that what you want to say, that you don't know? But I bet you don't even want to admit that, because you just don't like to be the one who doesn't know anything. Because it makes you feel stupid? Well, guess what, Ren: you _are_ stupid. But it's not because you don't know what the hell is going on. No, you're stupid because you actually do know. It's not that you don't have a clue, the answer's right fucking there! You just keep telling yourself it's not and keep turning away, pretending you don't see it and convince yourself that you don't know jack shit so you can keep making up excuses for being so fucking stupid." Yoh has never run down Ren so hard, not like this, and certainly not in his face. He didn't know how to respond to it and his chest kept swelling all the while he endured the brunette's lashing bitter tongue. Seeing the younger man like that got Yoh to realize he needed to take a breath. But calming down didn't mean he was done.

 

"You keep looking away like you're afraid of what you might see. What're you so afraid of?" Like something had suddenly turned the switch, Ren sprung to his feet and grabbed Yoh by the collar of his shirt. He seethed through his teeth the biting aggression that he was tired of compressing.

 

"I'm not afraid of anything!" He hissed resentful acid. "Do you think I want all this!? Is that what you think!? That I know everything!? That I'm actually enjoying it all!? I don't even know what's going on anymore! Ever since _he_ came into the picture, ever since _he_ came back, everything's been screwed up! _I’ve_ been screwed up!" Ren's grip on Yoh's shirt is still tight but his head bows at realizing what he had confessed. What he had finally let out, although he couldn't say it's synonymous to freeing it. The idea of getting something off your chest was confusing because he wasn't sure if it actually made him feel better. It didn't feel like freedom. And then there was the fact of knowing he couldn't even say a certain name. Yoh didn't overlook that fact either. He puts his hands on the smaller man's fists and gently pulls them off and lets them lower to the side.

 

"Remember the last day of our tour and we found out about what happened to Horohoro?" Yoh spoke softly and something grabbed the insides of Ren and gave a squeeze. The guitarist couldn't seriously be asking him that. Of course he remembers. How can he forget?

 

"After the show, we checked in at a hotel because we were too tired to head straight home. Me and Manta went out later, and we asked if you wanted to come too. I know why you didn't."

 

"Maybe I was giving the two of you some privacy." Ren muttered while he couldn't see where this conversation was going. He couldn't see where anything was going anymore. But for all it's worth, Yoh led the way to this conversation, randomly brought up as it was, while Ren was still incapable of looking him in the eyes.

 

"No, you didn't come because you were afraid you'd see him." Ren's incapable eyes widened.

 

"Horohoro lived in that area and you knew there'd been a good chance you'd run into him if you went out. That's why you didn't want to come with us. Even then, you were still avoiding him." Yoh finished himself with a weary sigh whereas Ren scoffed like the other man had made accusations against him without any proof.

 

"Really? And just why would I do that?"

 

"Best excuse you'd have is you were still angry."

 

"Well, why wouldn't I be?" Ren said with a bitter smirk and Yoh stared back at him coolly.

 

"Ever thought about why you got angry?"

 

"Because that bastard was selfish and irresponsible for just running away without so much as a warning! He left us without the decency to deal with his shit and had us clean up after him instead!"

 

"Is that really it? Or is that reason just more convenient to hide the fact that he didn't deal with any shit he had with you? Maybe he put _you_ through shit." Ren once again feels cold hands clutch his guts as Yoh goes on ever calmly.

 

"He ran off and left you behind. So I'm thinking, maybe it wasn't about the anger. Maybe behind that anger, you were hurt." He paused to maybe let Ren have some say but the Chinese was too busy trying to breathe.

 

"Because you felt like he abandoned you?" Ren finally lifted his golden eyes and looked up at Yoh.

 

"...Shut up. Don't you dare say another word." He says through his teeth in a voice low and threatening. Or it might have been threatening if it wasn't while he bears the hot tears behind his eyes. Yoh decides not to push that any further. It won't get anywhere.

 

"...Then let's get back to the more current issue." He says quietly and sits back down. Ren remains standing, trying to maintain his dignity by keeping it from streaming out of his eyes. He can't remember it ever being this hard.

 

"You're right, Ren, you're a mess. Especially after finding me with Horohoro. Why is that?" Yoh asked the question like he already knew the answer. He wanted Ren to just say it, and that just pissed off the Chinese even more.

 

"I told you, I don't care!" The vocalist screamed and Yoh let out an exasperated sigh.

 

"A bad lie is a pointless one, Ren." He says as he massages his temples. Ren didn't know which was worse; being cornered or taking that one-way getaway.

 

"I don't need to put up with this." Making up his mind, he turns around and starts walking.

 

"Running away again?" Yoh's voice stops him short at the door. "Just like when you caught me and Horo." Ren kept his back still faced at Yoh and didn't even attempt to turn around. But the brunette notices his fists shaking. And in spite of himself and his pride, the Chinese takes the knob and pulls on the door.

 

"Fine, Ren, you don't have to say you were hurt. You don't even have to say you care. But don't complain if you find him kissing someone you don't even know while he won't ever kiss you again." That made Ren stop again, dead still with his hand still on the knob. The door wasn't pulled enough to be closed but it wasn't quite open either, only enough to let some breeze slip in. He felt like saying something to have the last word before he left.

 

"...Fuck you." But he realized he didn't have anything but that. He might as well have said nothing.

 

"Ren," Yoh's voice stopped him again, and the door barely made a crack on the carpet. Ren turned his head slightly with the kind of look that warned he wasn't so patient anymore. But Yoh's eyes shifted away to the floor, looking scared, guilty, and sad all of a sudden. This boosted Ren's patience level just a little bit but not enough to get his hand off the barely open door.

 

"Are you... Are you really going to tell Manta?" The question took away the intense anger on Ren's face in an instant. Yoh asked so apprehensively, as if his previous boldness never happened. It proved what was still most important to him, despite his earlier concern for Ren and Horohoro.

 

"What good is that going to do?" So Ren decided that his threat never happened either. In a way, he wondered if it ever did. And this time, Yoh didn't stop him as he finally walked out the door and closed it. But the Chinese stopped almost immediately and stood there in the hallway.

 

"What are you doing here?" He asked slowly as he still stood in front of Yoh's door and stared in disbelief at the man standing in front of him.

 

"Just thought I'll come by and say hi." Hao chuckled amusedly with a smile. "Yoh told me you guys are gonna be here for a while. I'm here for work too, in a different city though." That smile disappeared though, and Hao raised a curious brow when he noticed the odd stare Ren was sending him.

 

"What?" The Asakura asked as the other man kept staring.

 

"You...cut your hair." Ren said and Hao laughed, seeming somewhat pleased.

 

"And you just noticed? It's for a movie I'm gonna be in." He simply stated with a shrug like it was no big deal. But then something else caught his attention and he paused. He eyed Ren again, more carefully this time, as if he's observing something he had found. Ren kept his face monotone even though the brunette's silent fixation was making him somewhat nervous. Eventually, Hao scoffed as if he's figured out something funny.

 

"Don't." He suddenly says with a smirk, and if Ren wasn't mistaken, it sounded like a warning.

 

"Don't what?"

 

"Just don't." Hao shook his head like the answer was too obvious. But two words apparently didn't help the Chinese see it and the brunette rolled his eyes. His smirk disappeared and his face was almost identical to his brother when the younger twin was serious.

 

"You're trying to think up a way to invite me to your room." He says rather bluntly and before Ren could retort, he goes on, "I don't know what happened between you and Yoh, but I know that look." Ren couldn't even find words for such allegations and Hao sighs.

 

"You look like one of those girls that sleep with me to get back at their cheating boyfriends." Ren's eyes widened slightly but then he fumes at the outrageous statement.

 

"You are so self-absorbed!" He managed to respond without yelling. "Do you ever stop to think that maybe it's not about you all the time!?"

 

"I don't think it's about me. I told you, I think it's about Yoh." That caught Ren totally off guard.

 

"Then why would I want to take _you_ to my room like you claim?"

 

"Because I look like Yoh right now." Ren hated how smug Hao was looking with that comment.

 

"That's it? You guys have always been identical." He countered but Hao put on that clever smirk again.

 

"Not like I do now with my new haircut." The brunette snickered when he saw that Ren wasn't prepared for that logic.

 

"Ok, so you actually look like Yoh now. Are you trying to say that I lust for him so much that I'd substitute him with you?" Ren laughed as he asked, truly finding it unbelievable if that's really what Hao wanted to say. But the older man laughed too, a kind of mocking laugh. The kind that said he knew something Ren didn't, and it made the smaller man frown, expecting an explanation from the model.

 

"Sex isn't always about wanting that person, or even wanting pleasure. Sometimes it's how someone takes their anger and frustration out on them. Other times it can be a means of proving superiority by gaining control over that person and violating them. It can be a way to get back at them by reminding them who's in charge."

 

"What're you trying to say?" Ren asked lowly behind a stoic face. He actually understood it somehow. Just in a sort of clarity that gave him no options but to say otherwise.

 

"I'm saying, I think you apply to all of the above."

 

"And what does it have to do with Yoh?"

 

"You want to _screw_ him." Hao put much emphasis on a word that meant one thing rather than another. It made Ren want to break his jaw to shut him up, but he wasn't about to lose it over such petty provocation. That's what the brunette wanted just to be entertained. But what he said disgusted him, and it showed on his face.

 

"You are sick."

 

"I'm not saying that you want to rape him either. You just want to vent, release stress. And you'd feel better if you took it out on the source of that stress, namely Yoh."

 

"Well, you still haven't gotten to why I'd need you to come with me instead of Yoh. Why don't I just go ahead and do him like you say I want?" Ren didn't like going along with Hao even the slightest. But if he showed any signs of vulnerability, he'll only give the man his chance to say he was right. So he had to keep a straight face but also make a reasonable enough point. But Hao just shrugged in response to it like he had been ready for it.

 

"I'm guessing that for whatever reason, you _can’t_ do him. And you thought, maybe a conveniently identical looking me would have to do." Hao then walks up to Ren. He looked carefree but the vocalist could feel himself getting compressed by the man's not-so-carefree aura as he got closer. He stopped right in front of the Chinese and his lips spread to a smile but his eyes hinted something that wasn't at all friendly.

 

"I might not be Yoh, but hey, at least you'll feel better, right?" Hao's whispered voice dripped with sinister venom. That should've been enough to use up what was left of Ren's tolerance and set him off. But the vocalist responded in a malicious voice that curdled from the pit of anger he barely managed to restrain.

 

"Maybe that'd all make sense if I had such intentions for Yoh. But what makes you think something actually happened between me and him in the first place?"

 

"Oh, I don't know. But I have a feeling it has something to do with why Yoh sounded so sad before you left." For a second, just for a small second, a cold and almost vicious gleam passed through Hao's eyes. An alarming tension consumed Ren as he felt a chill run down his spine, but he tried not to show it as he stared back at Hao.

 

"How could you have even heard him?" He scoffed like he didn't believe Hao, though he really did want to know. He was so perplexed and nervous from what Hao said, he had to keep himself calm by telling himself that this was just another one of the brunette's jokes to shake him. But at the same time, what the Asakura said was a bit too accurate to be all made up. And he didn't like how confident Hao was looking, like what he said wasn't just to give Ren a scare. He smiled like he was really sure of himself.

 

"You mean you didn't know I was there?" Hao asked in feigned shock. Ren's golden irises were fixed on Hao's chestnut own, confused and unable to see what the other man was trying to say.

 

"Next time you should make up your mind and keep the door closed, or just open it all the way to see who's about to knock." Hao jeered upon seeing Ren finally understand what had happened. It was his own careless mistake. He didn't expect anyone to be outside that door but he still should've been more careful. He didn't want to admit it, but in a sense, he was lucky that it was Hao. Someone else might've made the situation a lot harder to deal with.

 

"...What'd you hear?"

 

"Not much. Just something about kissing, then something about Manta. Couldn't really hear everything."

 

"Didn't think you were one to ease drop."

 

"I'm usually not. But it's like I told you; all the fun stuff happen behind closed doors. So what's going on?"

 

"Nothing that concerns you." Ren answered casually and began to walk away as if to wave off the whole conversation. But Hao's hand grabbed his shoulder and he was pulled back in front of the taller man. Ren gave him an irritated scowl but Hao didn't care to pay it any notice.

 

"Look, I don't know what happened between you and my brother, but I'll be the one to decide if it concerns me or not." Hao was smiling but it was dark and dangerous just like his voice. And the eyes stared down at him in a way that said the man wasn't about to be dismissed. It didn't scare Ren but the Tao knew not to test him.

 

"Nothing happened between me and Yoh." Ren said stubbornly, still not willing to give the story.

 

"Then I guess something happened between someone else. What's this about kissing?" Ren's eyes shifted away from Hao to the floor and a crooked grin spread across Hao's face.

 

"Oh, I get it. This isn't just about Yoh. It's about Horohoro too, isn't it?" Ren made the kind of face that gave away the answer without needing to say it. Hao nodded slowly as he started to make the story himself.

 

"Lemme guess; you opened a door and caught the two kissing?"

 

"No." Ren said in a hardly audible whisper.

 

"But give or take, something like that, right?" Hao went on, not seeming so edgy now that maybe he didn't have to worry so much about his brother. This was more serious on Ren's part, whose grim face showed a bitter mix of anger and tolerance, wishing the brunette would leave him alone.

 

"Well, whatever it is, I don't think that's what's important." But Hao went on casually, apparently not done.

 

"So here's the million-dollar question; are you pissed at my brother because it was him Horohoro kissed?" Ren's throat goes dry as Hao leaned forward to his ear.

 

"Or because it wasn't you?" The model whispered and almost instantly, the Chinese felt a piercing sensation pass through him. His throat clogged and his lungs went tight, and he can't speak because it's hard enough trying to ignore the heat welling up behind his eyes. Hao stood up straight again with that smug smirk of his.

 

"Those are the only excuses you can have." He simply stated and stared into Ren's defiant glare.

 

"Yeah? Says you." Ren hissed and began to head for his room. Hao laughed as he let the younger man go and started for Yoh's door himself.

 

"What, you're gonna ask Yoh now?" Ren asked sarcastically before using the key to his room.

 

"I'm not _that_ nosey." Says Hao, "but I think I'll see how he's doing." That's the thing about Hao that made Ren still call him a friend. They may be the unclosest of friends, and most of the time he couldn't stand the guy. But Ren couldn't hate him completely, and he even had something to respect him for. The guy may be an arrogant, annoying, self-righteous, egotistical jerk. But he knew whom he cared about and he'd make sure they're ok. And even though he didn't usually get in too deep, he'd always look out for Yoh even though his brother may never know it. Hao was like the protective older brother of the twins. That was something Ren can understand, even though he couldn't get the rest.

 

"Hey, what's this about Manta anyway?" Ren stopped his thoughts and turned to Hao.

 

"He's the reason I'd fuck you instead of Yoh." He said and went into his room with a rather satisfied smirk. For once, Hao was looking totally confused.


	19. Chapter 14

There's a reason why people associate love with falling. That's how big of a surprise it is. It just happens. It's powerful and uncontrollable like gravity. You can try to fight it but once it gets you, you can never keep it from pulling you in. And the weird thing is, you'd think you'd notice something so big and powerful approach you. Feel its presence before it pounces, maybe even prepare for it. But you don't. You can't. It just happens. Next thing you know, you're falling.

 

That's what happened to Horohoro. He didn't see it coming. He never thought one man would make him fall so far, so hard, so deep.

 

And the downside is, you can never get out until you reach rock bottom. Hard. And some people can't get out even then.

 

And that's what Horohoro felt has happened to him too. He lie sprawled on his couch, absolutely sure f himself that he was at the bottom, and that he couldn't hit it harder. And he's begun to ask himself if the incident at the party was a sign. Not that things have been working out for the past few months (or years) anyway. But what happened that night made everything so much worse, it was actually looking like it was hopeless. It's gotten Horohoro to ask himself, is he supposed to just forget? Just find someone else and move on? Most people probably would. But the problem isn't the fact that he couldn't get over Ren.

 

He didn't want to.

 

He didn't care about how much this was hurting, or how much it has been hurting. And he didn't care about how much more it was going to hurt. He wanted to keep going. He wanted to get back up and take another leap. It didn't matter that he might just hit the bottom again. He wanted to believe that maybe he'll make it instead. He wanted to get the phone, call Ren, and... and...

 

"...And tell him what?" Horohoro muttered under his breath and sighed. "I'm sorry for hurting you in every way possible with all the things I did and said, forgive me anyway?" He sighed again but even more remorsefully because of how hopeless that sounded. And this definitely wasn't one of those situations where he should expect a call from Ren. Then again, when did he ever expect a call from Ren?

 

But then, Horohoro suddenly sat up, startled by the phone's ringing. He looked at the phone and tried to stress to his mind that it could be anyone but Ren. He would never expect the vocalist to call when Oversoul was busy, especially for something he wouldn't want to discuss. But he had to admit, the timing made him wonder for a moment how much he should really anticipate in this call. But he'll know nothing if he missed it, so a nervous hand reached out and picked it up.

 

"Hello?"

 

Ren opened his door to see who had knocked it, and slammed it shut again. Yoh sighed, not really surprised by the welcome.

 

"Ren, let me in."

 

"No."

 

"Please?"

 

"Fuck off." Yoh cringed at the vivid hostility pushing through the door. Whenever Ren was this upset, he'd usually walk away and come back afterwards when the Tao had calmed down. But not this time. He couldn't wait that long.

 

"I need to talk to you."

 

"I said fuck off!"

 

"It's important... It's about Horo." There's a pause behind the door, and Yoh pressed a fist and his forehead against it. His face went grim as he waited for any kind of response that he hoped was to come. There's really no way to tell if mentioning Horohoro would make this better or worse. Especially hearing his name from Yoh after what's happened earlier, there's a good chance it would enrage Ren even further. But more than feeling all that anger, he knows that Ren is hurt, and if the worst comes to it, the brunette can forget about their friendship because Ren might shut him out completely.

 

"...What about Horo?" But Ren's voice finally answered to Yoh's pleas and the guitarist let out a relieved breath. He still sounded a little edgy but he had at least calmed down. And although his voice no longer shook so much with its earlier aggression, it wavered with hesitation. This might be a good sign, in the sense that the Chinese was listening now. He didn't open the door but Yoh has definitely made progress.

 

"Well...he might leave, Ren, and I mean really leave for Hokkaido. For good this time."

 

"...Well, go ahead and let him." Came Ren's voice and Yoh banged his fist on the door with clenched teeth.

 

"Goddamn it, Ren! You're so fucking stubborn, it's ridiculous! Don't say you don't remember the last time you were like this! You might really lose him this time. For good! Is that what you really want?" There was a short moment of silence and the door opened with a man whose skeptical frown muttered,

 

"How do you even know?"

 

"He told me." Yoh stated and after Ren stared at him for a bit, he reluctantly stepped aside to let the guitarist in.

 

"So what'd he tell you? That's he's leaving because of me again? Do you want me to apologize? I don't know what good it'll do to tell me anything, Yoh, because—"

 

"Ren, just..." Yoh held up a hand to stop Ren's ranting and took a breath because he felt like his own tense nerves will make him raise his voice. "Just listen for a bit, ok?" He finished still with a very irritated edge on his voice and Ren folded his arms.

 

"So what'd he tell you?" He asked again and Yoh let out a heavy breath.

 

"Actually... it's not what Horohoro said but... something Hao told me."

 

"...What?" Hao sighed into the phone and rolled his eyes.

 

"Did you not hear me? I said nothing happened between you and my brother."

 

"So...Yoh told you?"

 

"He didn't have to."

 

"What'd you mean?"

 

"I mean, I know what really happened."

 

"How? You weren't even there."

 

"Yes, I was. Look, Yoh's not even the one who went in that room with you. That was me."

 

"What? But...no, I could've sworn it was—"

 

"It's because I looked like Yoh." Hao didn't bother to let Horohoro finish and went on to filling in the blanks. "I cut my hair for a movie and now I look exactly like him. That's probably why you've mistaken me for him." Hao stopped there for a bit to see what Horohoro had to say so far about all this. He can practically feel the bluenette's shock through the silence coming from the other side of the call.

 

"I didn't even know you were at the party." Finally came Horohoro's bewildered voice. Hao shrugged boredly.

 

"Yeah, I figured."

 

"So...what really happened?" The Ainu's voice suddenly went low, like he's trying to take all this in without bursting. Yelling at Hao seemed pointless, and he just wanted the truth right now. Hao had no problem giving it to him.

 

"You thought I was Yoh. I played along and took you to a room."

 

"...And then what?" Horohoro couldn't even ask what he really wanted to know. Hao knew what it was anyway.

 

"Nothing."

 

"Nothing?" Hao chuckled amusedly to how shocked the Ainu sounded.

 

"Yeah, nothing. You went on and on about Ren, then you just fell asleep."

 

"I...I did?"

 

"Yeah, right in my arms. Way to go making a guy feel wanted."

 

"In your arms..." Horohoro seemed to be saying this to himself, seeing how that explains why it's the last thing he remembered.

 

"So nothing really happened?"

 

"Unfortunately."

 

"You really didn't do anything?"

 

"Horo, you fell asleep. I wouldn't go that low." Hao scoffed as if he really felt insulted but that wasn't quite enough to convince Horohoro.

 

"So you just _let me_ fall asleep?"

 

"Hey, it's not like I didn't want to do anything. I was about to, you making it so tempting. But no one's ever just fallen asleep on me like that, and frankly, it was a bit of a turn-off. I usually get a little something." Hao actually almost sounded upset here and it made Horohoro laugh a little. The truth was quite unexpectedly a salvation, and he relaxed a lot to it.

 

"Thanks, Hao."

 

"Yeah, whatever." Hao rolled his eyes.

 

"But there's still something I don't get..."

 

"If what you say is true, how did you end up in bed with Horohoro?" Ren asked with crossed arms after hearing Yoh's explanation.

 

"That was Hao too." Yoh said and sighed, still aggravated at what his brother had done. "He knows how many drinks it'd take to get me to forget everything the next morning. Once he got me wasted, he took me to where Horohoro was, took off both or our clothes, and left us passed out on the bed. It's like a joke to him."

 

"A joke." Ren growled, not doubting anything Yoh said. He may not know Hao as much as Yoh did but he's known him since high school. And he narrowed his golden eyes sharply, thinking about how he was just talking to the model minutes ago, completely oblivious. He could feel a mix of different emotions being conjured up inside him. He didn't know what to feel the most. But he knows what he'd like to do to Hao if he was here in front of him right now.

 

"Ren, I'm so sorry. I should've known better than to let him get me to drink like that. I should've known he was up to something."

 

"Stop, Yoh." Ren sighed and waved a hand, not wanting an apology from Yoh when it should be coming from the other twin. "... Does he know all this?" Yoh nodded, knowing who Ren meant.

 

"I had Hao call him when I came here." Ren felt himself lose some tension from hearing that, forgetting that he was mad at the bluenette. He sat down in a chair and ran a hand through his dark hair. But then he made an odd face, like something strange had struck him.

 

"Wait. Why would any of this make Horo want to leave?" He looked at Yoh who wore an uneasy smile, the kind of smile kids make when they knew they were busted. Ren raised a brow, immediately sensing another twist in the situation. He stared at the guitarist expectantly, and the brunette knew he couldn't leave until he answered his friend's question.

 

"Actually...I just said that to get you to listen." Yoh said very slowly, his nervous laugh expressing how thin the ice he's standing on was. The glare Ren was sending him told him he's very close to breaking it, and it was going to be cold. It was already sending a chill through Yoh.

 

"What is WRONG with you!?" Hao pulled the phone away from his ear, wincing at Horohoro's furious voice.

 

"It was just a joke." The model retorted calmly and pulled the phone away again, knowing that Horohoro wasn't done yelling.

 

"A joke? A _joke_!? You think that was funny!? Do you have any idea what kind of shit you caused with your little joke!?"

 

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry, alright?"

 

"No, it's not alright! I can't believe—"

 

"If it makes you feel any better," Hao spoke over Horohoro, not intending to be yelled at anymore. "Ren knows about this too." There was a pause and Hao drummed his fingers on the table as he waited.

 

"Are you sure?" Horohoro finally said, not yelling but still sounding angry.

 

"Yoh should be explaining everything as we speak." The Ainu sighed, seeming he had finally calmed down. He wished he wasn't though, because what he thought he should be feeling right at this moment is something beyond pissed off. He felt like he should be punching holes into the walls just because he couldn't do it to Hao through the phone. But more than anything, he was just relieved. So relieved that it was just a bad joke. A really, really bad joke.

 

"You really shouldn't be such a jerk sometimes."

 

"Well you shouldn't have fallen asleep on me."

 

"Why? So you can fuck me?"

 

"That would've been nice." Hao grinned at the idea but Horohoro just groaned tiredly.

 

"Seriously, Hao, you're impossible. You need help."

 

"You're the one who needs help." Hao countered pointedly like he wasn't going to let Horohoro argue. "You know, I bet you wouldn't have fallen asleep if Ren was there instead." Hao smirked cleverly, knowing that Horohoro couldn't argue with that. He then hung up the phone, not waiting for the bluenette's response.

 

Ren still sat in his chair, dead still with his frowned lips tight. He was absolutely speechless, literally at a lost for words to express how he was feeling. But his eye twitched a few times, and that was never a good sign. Yoh swallowed hard nervously, hoping the Chinese won't be overcome by his temper.

 

"But... I wasn't exactly lying when I said he told me that. He really did, a while back." Ren felt his heart stop and the walls of his throat get pressed. The only reason he was able to believe Yoh earlier was because he remembers Horohoro telling him that too. He tried not to think about it since, at least while the bluenette was still around. But now that it's brought up again, it's the only thing filling his head. Yoh sensed the change in Ren's silent demeanor and goes on solemnly, all jokes aside.

 

"And with everything that's been happening lately, I wouldn't be surprised if he does leave. I don't think you should be either. I meant it when I said you might lose him. Maybe he won't die and maybe you can still see him. But one day, he might just fall out of reach. Then what're you going to do?" Yoh stared at Ren in a strong, expectant gaze. It was so strong, Ren was only able to meet that gaze for about five seconds. And then his head bows, and his fist ball into shaking fists.

 

"...Get out." He whispers and gets out of his chair onto his feet.

 

"Ren—" Yoh begins in an attempt to reason with his friend but ends up dodging a book Ren had brought with him from home.

 

"I said get out!" Ren screamed and this time threw a fist at Yoh. The brunette barely missed it as he stumbled out of the room. Ren slammed the door after him and turned around to press his back against it. He crouched forward with his fingers buried in his hair and his palms covering his eyes. It was so hard to breathe, like he's being pulled underwater. He took deep, desperate breaths. He needed to so badly. But the more he did, the harder it got to hold back the hot sting from behind his eyes, which felt like they will start streaming any second. It felt so impossible sometimes to keep himself together, to not be overcome by the instability he's always suppressing. He doesn't know how he even got like this, it's like it just happened out of nowhere. No—it got like this after Horohoro left Oversoul. When he showed Ren that he could just walk away. When he made Ren see that he can just go and never come back. Ren never saw it until the bluenette really left. The idea never even occurred to him. And ever since he was gone, he always kept this madness or whatever it is under his skin, trying not to let it rip through and consume him. It wasn't even like this before. Ren would never admit it but he knows that it's only gotten this bad because the Ainu still won't come back. And Ren isn't one to ask for someone's return as if he actually needed it. So he waited, just waited for everything going on inside him to just quietly pass. But it won't and it just gets worse. Yoh was right that he's a mess. And it's like Ren said, the bluenette is screwing him up even though no one should be able to. In fact, it seems that of all people, Horohoro is the only one who can get him like this. But Yoh isn't making it easier. He says if he falls out of reach? He already has... He was never in reach. And now, what does he do? What /can/ he do? Ren wants to say nothing but it doesn't seem right, it feels like it's the wrong answer even if that's what he's been doing.

 

_One day, he might just fall out of reach. Then what're you going to do?_

 

"I don't know..." Ren's quiet voice shuddered to the one answer he wished he could deny. He bit down on his quivering lip and clamped his eyes shut again to avoid the tears he refuses to acknowledge. His back slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor, and huddled his legs close to lower his head on his knees. Ren had to have Yoh leave. He couldn't stand to face a question he didn't know how to answer.


	20. Chapter 15

"You didn't get any sleep last night." Ren's golden irises shifted towards Faust who stood next to him in the elevator. They were the only ones in it so the bassist had to be speaking to him, but the Chinese didn't respond right away. For one, he didn't know how the German could possibly know. Or maybe he made a really good guess. Or perhaps he was asking.

 

"Is that a question?"

 

"More like an observation."

 

"An observation based on what?"

 

"You've been a bit irritable lately, especially the last couple of days since we arrived. From the looks of it, you'll start developing bags under your eyes soon. I don't think you slept at all last night, and I wonder if you slept the night before or even on the plane."

 

"And you say this because you think I'm in a bad mood? It's not like I've been dozing off or something."

 

"That's the thing that worries me. Most people probably would doze off or show some sign that they're slipping. But you're just the opposite. You're one of those people who force themselves to stay focused and make sure you don't slip up, pretending that you're ok so no one notices. It's very unhealthy."

 

"So basically, you happen to be the only one who notices this problem of mine without any real proof." Faust sighed wearily but remained patient.

 

"To be honest, I didn't want us to come out here. I wish we stayed home, preferably went on a break for a while."

 

"You're kidding, right?"

 

"No, I'm quite serious. You just seem so stressed lately, for quite some time now. But I know how you are about work, and I know you won't go home until we're done here. So please, try to get some rest."

 

"And I guess you say this as a doctor." Ren scoffed sarcastically but surprisingly, Faust responded in earnest sympathy.

 

"I say it as a friend." At that moment, the elevator's doors opened and the two men stepped out. They didn't exchange any more words as they walked down the hall and Faust didn't expect that to change when he reached his door. Ren walked passed him towards his own but stopped after two steps. He turned back to Faust, and the bassist looked at him curiously.

 

"Faust," Ren began a little hesitantly, "why did you... Why did you quit your medical career?" Faust's dull blue eyes widened slightly to the unexpected question. He was silent for a moment, and Ren began to wonder if he should just say never mind and walk on back to his own room. But then the German smiled in that way that was both eerie and pleasant at the same time. That warm but ghastly, kind but somewhere tragic shape his lips make.

 

"Well, I can tell you... But why don't you come in so we can sit down first?" Faust opened his door and Ren followed with a silent nod. He sat down where the bassist motioned his hand to a chair and a table, and waited while the other man disappeared into another room. After a few minutes, Faust came with two cups of tea and sat across from his friend.

 

"So what made you ask me that?"

 

"Well, I was kinda serious when I said you're the only one who notices all that stuff you said about me. And it reminded me that you used to be a doctor. And then I thought, you seem a little young to retire."

 

"Funny you bring this up now, after years I've been with you and Oversoul. You didn't even ask when you made me a member."

 

"Yeah... Yeah, I know. I'm just wondering why you decided to join a band. That's a big switch. Did you just decide you didn't want to be a doctor anymore?"

 

"Not really, I loved my career."

 

"So wasn't it a waste to quit, then?" Faust smiled that strange, eerie smile again, and took a sip from his tea. He then turned to the window and gazed out at the lights of the city for some time. Ren waited patiently because he knew he had touched a very delicate subject. When he remembered that Faust was once a doctor, he also suddenly remembered the older man mentioning that he once had a wife who was ill. It was an assumption anyone can make; maybe her death drove the German over the edge. But as far as Ren can see, Faust was very sane. Maybe a little more gloomy than most people but he wasn't crazy. And the older man was right that Ren never took any interest until now. Truth is, he never really was interested before. Despite his years with Faust, he didn't know the whole story, and that was because it used to be irrelevant to him. But now, it was somehow different. Some part of him had a guess that the reason Faust wasn't a doctor anymore had something to do with his late wife. Just by knowing that, Ren was fascinated.

 

"So I guess that means you don't deny your recent lack of sleep." Faust suddenly started talking again and almost startled Ren. The vocalist was then a bit embarrassed upon realizing he had in fact unintentionally admitted to Faust's accusations. Faust peered at Ren's dumbfounded features and laughed, though certainly not out of mockery.

 

"And I also guess that Horohoro is the reason for this slight insomnia?" Ren felt his heart skip two beats to that name, and the knowledge of that made him scowl. It also sent heat to his face and that in its self was a dead giveaway. But Faust merely smiled and acted like he didn't even notice as he turned back to the window again.

 

"You haven't answered my question yet." Ren growled in sheer desperation to breathe and Faust looked at him again.

 

"You question?" The older man intoned blankly and then his face lit up. "Ah, yes, the reason I left my medical career." He said thoughtfully and takes another sip out of his tea. Ren couldn't even touch his cup thanks to his friend's mentioning of the bluenette.

 

"Have I ever told you about my wife?" Ren nodded to the bassist's question.

 

"You said you became a doctor because she was sick... Did you quit because you couldn't help her?"

 

"No... that's the irony, really." Faust sighed wearily. "I did help her. I cured her."

 

"Then how..." Ren began in utter confusion but he couldn't finish himself because Faust looked at him with the saddest smile he's ever seen from the bassist.

 

"Then, how did she die, you say? ...She was killed." Ren almost gasped when he saw a glint in Faust's eyes. It seemed to have a mix of despair and rage but it was still something that couldn't be identified. It was a gleam that held a kind of emotion Ren could not find words to console because he was incapable of understanding what his friend went through. Faust looked back on it with a heavy, forsaken heart.

 

"I met Eliza when I was just a boy and even as a boy so young, I knew she was the one. To this day, I still don't know how to explain that feeling. Some people would call it love at first sight but it felt like so much more than that. And when I heard she was ill, I knew I had to be the one to help her as much as I knew I loved her." Ren didn't know how to respond since it was the kind of talk he wasn't accustomed to so he just listened attentively.

 

"I devoted myself to my medical career and to Eliza. And after years of working through it together, she wasn't sick anymore. And that was our new beginning. Eliza was back to being a nurse, working at the same hospital I was at. And we were happy... We were just... just happy." Faust's voice lowered under a shaken breath to keep it from going uneven. He closed his brimmed eyes and his brows furrowed a bit in his effort to keep himself composed. But Ren still could not offer him any words because he knew he was helpless. What he sensed through watching his friend was his inability in saving him. Watching Faust, Ren knew—he was convinced—that Eliza wasn't the only tragedy in her death. It pained Faust to say her name. It pained him to think her name. And yet he did both anyway. He did it every day and every night. This man was forever broken, forever forsaken, forever incomplete. He was beyond repair and beyond salvation.

 

"And then," Faust's suddenly picked up a different tone that burned with a more painful, tormented emotion. "One night I come home to find Eliza... My beautiful Eliza on the floor, lying in the pool of blood that poured out of the bullet hole in her head." The shock clutched Ren by his throat. But to his surprise, there were no tears coming from Faust's eyes. In fact, Faust's face was calm. Serene with a heavy heart coloring his dull, tragic blue eyes.

 

"When I lost Eliza, it's like my own life went with her." Ren watched Faust who was back to staring out the window again. It didn't feel like he was really here in the room anymore. It's like the man had fallen out of this world and into some dark, dark place. The same place that drew those dark circles around his eyes.

 

"I was a mess, barely eating and unable to sleep. But I somehow managed to make sure there were no problems at work. It was the closest I could get to keeping myself together. Work was the only thing I could do for myself. I didn't know what I'd be left with if I didn't. After all, I became a doctor for Eliza. I guess I felt like that's all I had left. The one last thing left that kept us close anymore. And I actually did quite well for a while. Then a few months passed, and one patient came to the hospital in need of an operation on his heart. He was assigned to me." Ren didn't like where this seemed to be going. It was almost a cliche, the story everyone hears once or twice on TV.

 

"When I met him to explain the procedure, there was something odd about him. When I introduced myself, to be exact. When I told him my name, he just... went pale. There was this look in his eyes. He didn't tell me anything then. But right before the operation... he apologized to me. He just said he was sorry. I didn't understand what he meant, and the anesthesia put him out before he could say anything more. The operation had to start nonetheless, so we opened him up. And I asked one of the nurses for a scalpel. But when I looked up..." Faust stopped there and Ren noticed his clasped hands tremble. He didn't like the look in the bassist's eyes.

 

"It was her... Eliza was standing there...  She was handing me the scalpel."

 

"But—" The vocalist stammered with widened eyes and Faust slammed his fists on the table.

 

"I know! I know that's impossible because... Eliza is... dead." Faust's voice strained as he said the painful truth that he was aware of all too much. His lips quivered and he clutched on his blonde hair. Ren stared at him sadly, beginning to feel it was his fault the older man was getting like this because he brought it all up. But within moments, Faust let go of his hair and he let his hands rest on the table again. It gave Ren some relief that they weren't shaking anymore. But he was still concerned about the eyes. Maybe he was wrong about the man being totally sane.

 

"But I swear it was her. Then again, maybe I was hallucinating because she was only there for a second, and then I was looking at one of the nurses again... And then it hit me." Faust suddenly went quiet, making his previous outburst seem like a lie.

 

"It was him. The man I was about to operate on... He killed Eliza." Correction. He definitely wasn't sane. But Ren didn't dare say that or anything for that matter. Instead he just swallowed hard, afraid that anything he says will provoke the German again. But Faust didn't need Ren to tell him what he was thinking. He knew that look the vocalist was giving him.

 

"I know how it sounds. And maybe I was crazy. But at the time, I just knew I saw her. And I was so sure that... it was him. It would've even made the apology make sense since he could've known my name from the papers. And before I knew it, I was suddenly convinced. And then I just... blacked out."

 

"Blacked out? You mean like, fainted?"

 

"Well no, not exactly fainted. I just... Well, I don't know what happened exactly. When I came to, I was still standing there in the O.R."

 

"So what happened?"

 

"Well, I remember I took the scalpel after I thought I saw Eliza, then looked down at the man who I was so sure had murdered my wife... and I just blacked out. And..."

 

"And what?"

 

"He was... dead. I don't know what happened. I was holding the scalpel and I'd apparently cut in too deep into his heart. I don't know when or how it happened, I don't remember anything. He was just... gone."

 

"You mean you..." Ren stared at Faust in unblinking disbelief, too shocked to even finish himself. But Faust knew what he wanted to ask and he was back to his everyday melancholic tone.

 

"The hospital fired me, though I don't really blame them. To be honest, I don't know if I had meant to kill him or not." That only left Ren with one question.

 

"What brought you to join a band next?"

 

"You mean this band, Oversoul." Ren nodded slowly to Faust's correction, and the bassist smiled in pleasant nostalgia.

 

"It was Anna."

 

"Anna?"

 

"And you too, Ren." Ren made a strange face, obviously awestruck and confused, making Faust laugh.

 

"You see, after I left that hospital, I didn't go back to being a doctor. Maybe I didn't want to make another mistake or maybe I was afraid of seeing Eliza again. After what happened... I just couldn't go back." Faust let out a sigh that seemed to express how empty he had felt at the time.

 

"So for a while, I was jobless. And one night, I walked into a bar. That's when I first saw you, singing while Yoh played an acoustic guitar. And that night, you sang this song that seemed to be about someone dear. It was about how much you missed and loved this person. So full of love and affection but also pain, guilt, and regret." Ren just nodded, not saying anything. There could only be one person he could've written about in such a way. Only one song that could have anything to do with love. Only one song he had written that could actually be a love song. It was a song he had written about Jun.

 

"It was a love different from romance but I still related to it with Eliza. Maybe it was because of all the pain expressed with the love you have for this person. It somehow felt like it was similar to me." Faust's words weren't too far from the truth and it made Ren frown a bit. Jun wasn't dead to him but in a sense, neither was Eliza to Faust. Like the bassist said, it was just a little different for Ren. For Ren, even though Jun was still alive, there were no chances of ever seeing her again. Not even speaking to her on the phone. Their father would never allow it. Ren didn't even want to think about what would happen to his sister if they even tried to get in touch again. It almost made him regret leaving his family, for leaving her behind. Who knows what she went through in that family without him. It's not like he didn't consider that, he suggested that she leave too. But she chose to stay and he never understood that. He could've stayed with her, he considered that too when she said she wouldn't leave. But she insisted he take control of his life while she kept the life within the clan. Ren never would've agreed to that if it weren't for Pailong. He was a special friend of Jun and he promised to look out for her, to always be there no matter what. Ren knew he could trust Pailong. Otherwise, he never would've left. Jun was a kind, loving sister who understood him and his decision. But Ren doesn't think he could ever understand her decision.

 

Faust noticed the apparent switch in Ren's frame of mind but out of courtesy, he didn't touch up on it.

 

"Just listening to you and that song, it was like a moment of epiphany."

 

"Epiphany for what?"

 

"Well, next to being a doctor, I have a talent in playing bass. But I guess you already know that. I used to play the bass when I was young, still did in my older years even after I got married. Eliza would always listen when I sometimes played with some guys at a bar. And the way she would look at me... She can really make you feel like a star, even though some people wouldn't think that the bass is as exciting as the guitar." Faust chuckled as he fondly looked back on those days. "I haven't touched it since she died but after that night hearing you, I was inspired to start again. But after about a week... it got too painful, reminding me too much of her. In fact, it got to a point that I couldn't even look at it. So one day, I tried to get rid of it." Faust grimaced to what feels like a foolish idea now, and Ren frowned disapprovingly as well.

 

"What changed your mind?"

 

"That's where Anna comes in." Ren raised a brow, very interested now.

 

"Anna happened to be passing by the place I tried to dump my bass."

 

_"Hey, what'd you think you're doing? That's a perfectly good bass you're trying to throw out."_

_"I can't play it."_

_"Then practice until you can."_

_"No, I mean, I can play it but... I can't anymore."_

_"You can't or you won't?"_

_"I guess a little bit of both."_

_"Why? Because you're bad at it?"_

_"No."_

_"So how good are you really?"_

_"Pretty good, I guess."_

_"So you're good. All the more reason to keep it."_

_"Look, I appreciate your concern but—"_

_"And a reason to play in a band."_

_"...Excuse me?"_

_"How would you like to play in a band? Well, you can't really play in it yet, you have to audition for it first."_

_"Why would I want to play in a band?"_

_"I don't know. But what if it was for the band you watched a week ago at a bar?"_

_"How did you know I was there?"_

_"I know those guys and I was there watching too. I also saw you and I know you liked them. They're called Oversoul, by the way, and they're looking for a drummer and bassist. So what'd you say?"_

_"I-I don't know."_

_"Relax, no one's making you go. And it's just an audition. If you're good, then you're in and you can make use of that bass along with your talents. If not, then you can give it to someone who will make use of it. Like I said, you don't even have to go. I'm just suggesting that you don't let a good instrument go to waste. Here, I'll write down where they're having the auditions."_

_"Are you like this with everyone who was there that night?"_

_"No, just you."_

_"What makes me so special?"_

_"I think you can be trusted."_

_"Trusted to what? You don't even know me."_

_"But I noticed you were different from everyone else who were watching. The way you were watching got me thinking, you can be trusted to put your heart to it. That is, if you can actually play something, and if you're any good. They'd probably be lucky to have you because you seem to have a lot to offer than someone who's just talented."_

 

"...That almost doesn't even sound like Anna." Ren's shock made Faust laugh.

 

"Yes, well, I'm glad I listened to her. I even feel close to Eliza again when you sing the songs I write." Ren nodded, pleased that Anna was right about the German making a special contribution to the band. It turns out that Faust can not only play the bass but also has lyrical talents as well. Besides the one about Jun, just about all of Oversoul's love songs are written by Faust. And Faust wasn't in the band for fame and money like any other potential member who could've had just as much talent. That's probably what Anna had meant. The way he enjoyed and made music with Oversoul was pure. It seemed spiritual, most likely having to do with Eliza.

 

"I don't know what would have become of me if I hadn't joined Oversoul."

 

"Looks like Anna wasn't wrong about what she saw in you."

 

"What did _you_ see in me?"

 

"Maybe not as much as Anna but I saw you had potential."

 

"And what did you see in Horohoro?" A little blind-sighted by the question, Ren's lips pressed to a fine line. He eyed Faust sharply, apparently not so oblivious to the deliberate intentions of the bassist. Faust on the other hand, stared back coolly as if giving an answer was the only option. Seeing there's no chance in the older man backing down, Ren sighed irritably.

 

"I thought I saw potential, but I guess I was wrong." He muttered gruffly and ran a hand through his dark hair. He knows that's not the answer Faust was looking for. But he didn't intend on giving it to him anyway, let alone acknowledging what the man was implying in his not-so-subtle question. However, Faust didn't intend on getting evaded like he usually does. Ren could feel that through his stare.

 

"Why don't you tell me what you really want to say?" Ren snapped despite himself and Faust smiled knowingly like to say he would gladly do so.

 

"Ok... After that day we found him at the hospital, I've noticed you really do care about him. And I've noticed how much you care. Why do you seem to hide that ever since he awoke?" It was true. Ren himself realized how he really did care about the bluenette, seeing what an important friend he was when he thought he was going to die. But the Tao's lips remained closed, and he wasn't sure if it was because he couldn't answer Faust's question or if he just wouldn't. Luckily for the Chinese, Faust knew no answer would come from him so the bassist didn't wait long before he was speaking again.

 

"Are you afraid of losing him again?" Ren's spine stiffened to Faust's quiet voice and the bassist goes on in the same calm tone.

 

"Maybe you don't think the two of you are very close. But you're afraid of losing the friendship you already have with him, aren't you? Perhaps it’s because already happened once before. Maybe that's why you're so precautious of everything. So you won't make the same mistake. Ren shifted his eyes away to his tea even though nothing can go down his throat now.

 

"But you don't know what exactly your mistake was so you don't know what to be cautious for. You're afraid you might do it again without realizing it." Ren wanted to stop Faust but it's like his own voice wouldn't let him, forcing his silence to let the other man keep going. All he could do was clench the back of his teeth and try to keep a straight face while feeling his body struggle against invisible chains tied around him.

 

"I don't know if you've admitted this to yourself, but you know you've hurt him once. And you probably think that, you not only hurt him, but you even almost killed him. You blame yourself for that, too, don't you? So you pushed him away. It was all you can think of to keeping yourself from hurting him again. But now you're confused because it seems you've done it again somehow. Everything has gone wrong again, despite your efforts. You don't really know what happened or whose fault it is and that's what confuses you the most. But all this confusion, it frustrates you. Like finding your way through a dark place you don't know. It drives you insane. Perhaps that's why you've been so angry. But you're certain of one thing." Faust pauses and looks at Ren in a way that tells the Chinese to brace himself for the truth.

 

"You don't want to lose him again." Ren's amber eyes faltered and his face went downcast. Faust still went on as he kept his eyes on the vocalist.

 

"You distanced yourself, practically alienated yourself from him, but you still can't let go of him. You pushed him away, hoping that as long as he doesn't get hurt, he won't leave again. And if you do lose him, you think you only have yourself to blame again. And you know that blame will become fear, because that's what happened the first time around. And fear is not what you know, but rather, what you don't know. What is beyond your knowledge. And it's like being blind, wandering in the dark all over again. You'll be lost like I was when Eliza died. And it's even for the same reason I had. Except I knew exactly the reason I was lost. In your case, you can't understand why it's so dark." Ren swallowed hard as he endured the feeling of being read like a book, in pages he never even knew about.

 

"But you know, deep down, I think you do know what it is. It's not that you're blind, you just have your eyes closed. You're scared because you've never encountered it before. Tell me, Ren, is it really so dreadful to just say it? To admit it?" Suddenly, Ren sprang to his feet.

 

"What're you trying to say, Faust!? What!? What is it that I have my eyes closed to!?"

 

"I told you, you already know." Faust answered coolly, unphased by Ren's erupted agitation. It made Ren's face twist in his anger.

 

"You're wrong!"

 

"Am I really?"

 

"Isn't it obvious!? You already know! Look at you, look at what Eliza's done to you!" Ren's eyes widened upon realizing what he had said. He may be pissed off at Faust and he does tend to poke where it hurts when he loses his temper. But even Ren knew better than to go so low.

 

"Faust…I didn't mean…I'm so sorry." But Faust smiled, hardly a trace of hurt in his eyes. Instead he almost looked sympathetic.

 

"It's ok, Ren. What you say is understandable. You probably think I should be regretful. And the truth is, I am in many ways. I regret not being home with her that day. I regret leaving her alone. I regret not coming home sooner. I regret not being able to help her. I regret that I was too late. But you know, there's not a moment I regret loving her. Maybe that's strange to you. And I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: if you keep going like this, avoiding and running and trying to stay safe…you will regret it. Deeply." Ren frowned at Faust's warning.

 

"You're right, I don't want to hear it." Faust chuckles, not at all surprised.

 

"Well, let me say... Actually, let me ask you this: If there really is nothing between you and Horohoro, if there won't ever be anything... What if he finds someone to have something with? That something you claim you will never have with him. Are you really sure that you can still sum up your feelings for him within the boundaries of friendship?" Ren wished he could answer the bassist but his throat suddenly clogged. He had long forgotten to sit back down and remained standing, staring down at Faust nervously. Faust raised a brow skeptically and went on.

 

"Without hurting? Without wanting to hate him? Without hating this special person who isn't you?"

 

"...Of course I can." Ren said in a shaken whisper. Faust sighed at the unconvincing ring of his voice, seeming disappointed.

 

"You want to know what I really want to say?" The bassist's voice lowered and picked up an unusually harsh tone.

 

"To be honest, sometimes I'm disgusted by you." Ren sent Faust an odd look, not familiar with hearing this kind of anger and coldness from the bassist. It also showed that the Chinese couldn't quite follow what his friend was talking about, which seemed to irritate the other man even more.

 

"I can't see Eliza anymore. Some people aren't even lucky enough to meet the right person. And it makes me sick because here you are, about to let go of not only a chance, but a second chance. A second chance! You don't know what I would give to have that! But you're about to let it go because what? You're too proud? Because you're stubborn? Too scared?"

 

"Shut up! I'm not afraid of anything!"

 

"Well you know what you are!?" Ren glared at Faust even though he was shocked from hearing the man raise his voice for the first time. Being much older than the rest of the band members, he was always the calm and rational man who was either the bystander or the advisor. There was never a time he was aggressive or a time he even lost his cool. But now he stared back at Ren like he had something he had been holding back for the longest time.

 

"You're selfish." Ren couldn't even look at Faust in the eyes anymore and he shifted his gaze to the floor. He knew he should be coming up with a comeback himself, something to fight back with; anything to defend himself. But for some reason he had nothing. He felt exposed, vulnerable, cornered and his throat went dry just trying to bear with the horrid feeling. But he refused to admit to himself that he was defeated. Even though he feels Faust's penetrating gaze saying otherwise. That gaze made him feel small and transparent.

 

"The thing is, Ren," Faust began almost guiltily as if to say he was sorry for being too brutally honest. "When some people are suddenly faced with happiness, they can become cowards. It actually takes a lot of courage to take that happiness into their hands because it's much easier to lean on their unhappiness for survival." Ren bit down on his lip, trying to muster up his voice. Faust's face softened to that sympathetic look again, like there was something to pity about the younger man. Ren glowered maliciously at that look. But he knew that if he looked closer, he would be able to see that Faust wasn't trying to look down on him. He didn't want to fight. This wasn't a battle they needed. He wanted to help Ren, and he sought for the Chinese to let him.

 

"Ren, please, don't be a fool. Don't take the easy way."


	21. Chapter 16

"...Ren...Ren..." Ren groaned heavily as Yoh's voice rang in his head but he didn't bother to acknowledge it with any further response. He knew Yoh wasn't really there, it was just his voice, which has been occupying his head all day along with Faust's and Hao's voices. These very few people who were aware of the Ren's distressed state, have made it very clear that they have strong opinions... regardless of whether or not the young Chinese wanted to hear what they thought or not. Everything they said seemed to have affected Ren in a way that made their words get stuck in the vocalist's head. All the while the band worked that whole day, he withstood their loathsome voices and ignored what felt like their reproach bouncing about the walls of his skull.

 

But whether it be Yoh or Faust or Hao didn't matter at all. There was one voice that messed with him more than the rest. One voice he couldn't fight as it screamed, echoed, clawed and circled his brain, forbidding the Chinese from ever forgetting. His friends threw so many questions and criticisms, but none haunted him like two words that came from that voice. Two words demanded Ren's sanity more than any of them combined. It only took two words for that particular voice to get to him.

 

Ren could still somewhat hear Yoh, ever so faintly, so faint that he couldn't really make out what he's saying. Not that he really cared since the brunette wasn't really there anyway. In fact, he told himself that he didn't care enough for it to matter that he couldn't lift his eyelids because they were so heavy. They felt as heavy as his whole body, his head feeling like it's sinking. And he let it sink, he let himself drift off. He didn't feel like he had another choice. Like his body was thinking with him, wanting to get away, go anywhere away from that voice.

 

Yoh staggered to his bed while holding Ren up by an arm slung over his shoulder, and let the Chinese slide down quietly on the mattress. The younger man didn't even stir as he lie still in gentle breathing. Yoh sat on the edge of his bed and gazed down at the man who slept through whatever it is that he wanted to escape from. Yoh knew that's what his friend wanted—an escape. Not that he could blame the young man. He knew he has contributed to making Ren feel that way. He just didn't think it would get this bad. He only knows now because he found the vocalist like this, and how he found him, in this ill state, was just sheer luck.

 

It began when tomorrow's schedules have slightly changed. Manta was giving word to everyone in the band, but he couldn't get a hold of Ren from his phone because the vocalist wouldn't pick up. He tried going to Ren's room but it seemed he wasn't there. The manager then went to Yoh to see if he knew where the Chinese was. This perplexed the brunette. He would understand Ren ignoring him, for reasons that were only obvious between himself and the vocalist, but he couldn't see why he wouldn't take Manta's calls. It wasn't like the Tao to ignore calls for no reason, especially if it involved work. And he couldn't think of any reasons for Ren to be out of his room so late when he knows that they start early tomorrow. It wasn't like him to be so irresponsible. And when Yoh saw that Manta was already very tired, he told the manager to leave it to him to pursue Ren while he got himself some rest. Manta thanked him and once he left, the guitarist went downstairs to the lobby. He stood there for a while as he thought about what to do since he didn't know where to even start searching. It's not like they were home, so he didn't know where the Chinese would want to go. And after some thought, Yoh pulled out his cell phone, though he was very doubtful that Ren would pick up any of his calls. But what shocked him was not that Ren had picked up, because he hadn't. Yoh caught the ring tone of the unanswered phone, making him realize that the Chinese was close by the lobby, if not in it. Yoh followed the sound while it kept ringing, to track down where it came from. And it came from the hotel's bar.

 

By the time of Yoh's discovery, Ren was already knocked out by his likely incessant drinking. So Yoh paid for it and carried the vocalist away. He couldn't find the key to his friend's room, and assumed Ren had either lost it or left it in his room, so Yoh brought him to his own. And now, here they were. Yoh made a mental note that he will arrange for another room key for Ren tomorrow morning, and let the Chinese stay at his room for tonight. The smaller man didn't seem to be in any condition to be disturbed, and that wasn't just about the alcohol. In fact, Ren was so brutally run over by reality, so far up against its wall, that he had chosen to seek escape from drinks at a bar— _how cliché_ , thought Yoh. It made the guitarist look down at Ren in solemn pity.

 

Only one person made him like this. Only one man made him so in need. And the thought of that made Yoh get up from the bed, and pick up the phone.

 

"Hello?" Came Horohoro's voice and it relieved Yoh, even though he knew it wasn't any hour that should make him doubt the bluenette would pick up.

 

"Hello, Horo? It's me."

 

"Yoh?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Hey, what's up?"

 

"Just thought I'll see how you're doing. We didn't really get to talk after... what happened." Yoh heaved an uneasy sigh. "Did Hao tell you?" He asked with some edge on his voice, his irritation towards his brother being reminded from bringing up the subject.

 

"Yeah." Horohoro also sighed irritably, unintentionally making Yoh feel guilty for the trouble his twin put them through.

 

"Has he always been like that?" The bluenette suddenly asked and Yoh chuckled.

 

"You should've seen him in high school."

 

"Damn, I can't believe you guys are even related."

 

"Sometimes I can't either."

 

"And he's supposed to be the older one?"

 

"Supposedly." Yoh said in playful jest and the two laughed, though the brunette made sure he wasn't too loud so as not to wake Ren. There was then a pause, suddenly both men not saying a word on both sides. One could say that it's because their recent incident was still making everything awkward, even though it's already been cleared up that it wasn't even their fault. But Yoh had a feeling that Horohoro had something to say, he was just fumbling. After some waiting, the Ainu broke the heavy-handed air with a sigh.

 

"Does Ren know?" He murmured nervously and Yoh smiled.

 

"Yeah, I talked to him."

 

"That's good... Thanks." Yoh could hear it in Horohoro's voice that it bothered him to not be able to be there. He knows that Ren was hurt and he couldn't be there to fix anything. Yoh can even guess that it bothered Horohoro that he had to have the guitarist do it instead. He can even say that the bluenette probably thinks that he wouldn't have been able to do it anyway. Yoh glanced back at Ren to make sure he was still sleeping. Laying eyes on him again made him think about how Horohoro has no idea about how badly hurt the Chinese really is. He didn't know how much fixing he really needed, and he didn't know that Yoh wasn't the one who can do it.

 

"You think I changed him, don't you?" Yoh suddenly began. "You think I changed Ren when I met him in high school." Nothing came from Horohoro but Yoh didn't need him to say anything.

 

"Maybe I did." The brunette mused with a shrug, like it was a long forgotten matter. "But you changed him too, you know." There was still silence on the other side, and he knew the Ainu was having a hard time believing him.

 

"You really did. I've seen sides of him I didn't think I'd ever see until you came along. I just think... it's hard for him to keep up with it himself." Yoh sighed again, and took another quick look at his drunk, passed out friend. He thought it was strange that he feels the way he feels right now. He was in many ways happy for Ren, happy that these changes were happening to him because they were supposed to be good. But at the same time, the guitarist felt dumb as he stood by while Ren endured the side affects. He felt helpless, even though Horohoro is probably the one who felt even more so.

 

"You know what I really used to hate?" Horohoro spoke up and Yoh let him go on, not knowing what this could be about, except that it was still essentially about Ren.

 

"You and Ren always had this connection. Just this sort of understanding of each other. Like there was this domain no one else can step into. That I couldn't step into. I wanted that same thing with Ren, but whenever I saw the one he had with you, I always felt like it'd never happen with me."

 

"Horo... I never meant for you to feel that way." Yoh said uneasily because truth be told, he was well aware of what Horohoro was talking about. He always knew he and Ren had this special connection and he even knew about Horohoro staring at it with deep, deep yearning. He always knew that the bluenette wanted to take it because he knew he couldn't destroy it. Yoh knew that the Ainu didn't have it in him to do both. Horohoro knew that too.

 

"I know you didn't. And I don't mean for you to feel bad either." Yoh's face clouded to Horohoro's sincerity. The bluenette didn't sound reproachful because he wasn't trying to be. That much the guitarist knew, and the Ainu didn't have to tell him that he wasn't being blamed for anything. The bluenette was just telling the truth, there was nothing more to it and it wasn't meant to hurt the guitarist. But that alone made Yoh feel like apologizing, even though he knew he doesn't need to.

 

"I know it's really stupid but I was jealous of you, Yoh. That connection you had with Ren... I felt like you had something I couldn't have. So I wanted something better."

 

"What'd you mean by better?"

 

"I don't know. I didn't want to be like you but... I wanted to be more. I wanted myself to mean more to Ren than you do. We were friends but there was always this part of me I couldn't shake off."

 

"Gotta admit... that is pretty stupid." Yoh chuckled and Horohoro laughed along, but the brunette can tell it was forced, just like his own.

 

"Yeah, I know. And you know what's even more stupid?"

 

"...What?" Horohoro's tone made Yoh unsure if he really wanted to hear this.

 

"One day, I realized that it's not that I wanted to beat you. I wanted something better than you had with Ren because... I wanted Ren. It's Ren that I wanted. I wanted _all_ of him. That's the feeling I couldn't shake off. That's why I couldn't shake it off. But I never felt like I was better than you, or that I ever will be. And then I thought I can never have him... because you did." There was a pause. Yoh's eyes widened like he was staring into the barrel of a gun that just fired a bullet, and it penetrated him without a sound. He felt himself realize the truth that it wasn't just Ren who chased his friend away. The truth that Yoh couldn't see even if the bluenette had laid it out right in front of him that fateful morning. That's why he left.

 

_You mean a lot to him. He has you._

 

As if he was there at that bus stop again, Yoh opened his mouth a few times in attempts to speak, but each time nothing came out and only prolonged the silence. The brunette was once again caught up in himself, fumbling on whatever it was that hung at the back of his throat. All this talk about the bluenette leaving—well, just this subtle mentioning of it—seems to have made Yoh feel the need to say something important.

 

"Hey, Horo," The guitarist began in a forlorn voice, "you remember when you said you're gonna go back to Hokkaido for good one day?"

 

"Yeah... Yeah, I remember."

 

_I'm done._

 

There it goes again, those damn words and his voice, and Ren's face cringes as he begins to regain consciousness. But his body didn't seem to be so awake, feeling so heavy the Chinese didn't want to raise a single limb. He didn't know if he couldn't move his body or if he just didn't want to. Either way, he didn't care, and he just lies still with eyelids that wouldn't even open all the way. Like he wasn't quite ready to surface to reality yet, and he could go on back to sinking again.

 

Ren immediately realized that he was lying in a bed and assumed that it was his, although he couldn't remember bringing himself there or even leaving the bar. He could almost laugh at himself for doing something so uncharacteristic, and then ending up like this. Maybe he could laugh if it was really that funny.

 

Ren doesn't intend to deny that it's been rough lately. The young Chinese can understand Yoh's right to criticizing him, as harsh as it was, since he was somewhat involved. Maybe he can even find some sense in Hao expressing his views, because Ren knew he only did it out of concern for his brother. That and also because he was just curious, and the brunette never cared if an issue was any of his business or not. He'd stick his head in if he wanted, so long as he was interested. But Faust? Ren didn't think he would have so much to say. He thought the bassist didn't even know what was going on. Ren couldn't even respond to his words, he just left the bassist's room in defeated silence. And now, Manta is probably the only oblivious one, unless Ren was transparent enough for the naïve manager to see through him too. That would be most pathetic, especially when things were bad enough already.

 

When the day was long over along with work, the vocalist was sitting at a bar with a glass, which kept going empty as he sent its contents down his throat. His face twisted to the strong taste he didn't usually have. But he didn't care that it made his throat and guts burn. He didn't care because he thought maybe the fire would wash away that man's voice from his head. That's why he was there.

 

He didn't have much, but it didn't take a lot of the stuff to start working through his system. He knows how stupid it was for him to take in so much of it when he was such a lightweight, especially when Oversoul had work again from tomorrow morning. He hated the mere thought of possibly having to bear with a hangover migraine along with that damn voice. And to think, it only took two words coming from one man to make him do something so stupid. Just thinking about that kept making Ren have his glass filled again.

 

But now, he felt like he should get up to check what time was on the clock.

 

"Horohoro," Ren's eyes widened when he heard Yoh's voice from the other room, and he couldn't get himself to lift his body. What was the brunette doing here? When did he even let the guitarist in? And did he just say Horohoro? He's here? Why? In mere seconds, too many questions filled Ren's head.

 

"Don't leave again. Please." Ren wanted to believe that he heard that wrong. He found himself holding his breath as he waited to hear Horohoro's response. But there was just silence stretching on for a while and he remained lying on the bed, unable to move.

 

"No, no, don't apologize. It's just, with all the stuff that's been going on lately... Yeah, I remember." Ren wondered if he had missed anything Horohoro had said. Then, there was a pause.

 

"I get it. I'd never be able to stop you, right? ... But it doesn't really have to be like that." After a while, Yoh was speaking again and Ren just kept getting more confused. There was another pause and Ren waited to hear something from Horohoro.

 

"...Ok, have it your way." Yoh said quietly and there was a soft click. Ren finally figured out that the guitarist had been on the phone. He then listened to his footsteps approach him until they stopped at the bed, and felt the mattress sink a bit as Yoh sat next to him. Ren had his eyes closed and pretended to be asleep, so the guitarist had no idea that his friend had been listening.

 

"Looks like you're the only one who can stop him. You've always been the only one." Yoh murmured and gently stroked Ren's dark hair. His words made it difficult to breathe but Ren couldn't let his cover blow. He soon felt the mattress rise as Yoh got up from the bed, and listened to his footsteps walk away from him. The sound eventually disappeared after the closing of the door.


	22. Chapter 17

Taking trips down memory lane wasn't something Anna usually favored to do. She didn't see much point to it, especially in the case of memories that didn't matter to her. But that's what she did today, and as she drove her way home from shopping, she felt an irritating gnawing in her head, resurrected by the particular trip she took today. She took that trip, as far back as it was, for a man that the memories mattered to. Or at least that's what he claimed when she ran into him after she had finished shopping. She would say he came to her even though it is clear that they met by sheer chance, because the coincidence was inevitable.

 

_"Anna?"_

_The woman walking out of the shop with a few bags of clothes turned to where her name was called._

_"Well, look who it is." She says coolly without much enthusiasm or even a smile. But Horohoro grinned widely as he walked up to her, not minding at all that the gesture wasn't returned. That's just the way she was._

_"It's been a while."_

_"Sure has. So how've you been? Haven't heard from or about you since you walked out on the band." Horohoro felt a slight twinge but he managed to not show it. Apparently, Anna didn't mind poking at where it hurt. He already knew that about her but he wasn't sure if she didn't know that she did it or if she just didn't care. Either was possible for this woman._

_"Uh yeah, I've been alright." Anna raised a keen brow._

_"Why do I get the feeling you're lying?" She asked and there was a falter in Horohoro's smile. The bluenette couldn't understand the sharp intuition of the Asakura siblings. Anna was adopted so she didn't share blood but it's like she inherited and shared the acuteness just by being part of the family._

_"Honestly," Horohoro breathed and ran a hand through his hair uneasily. "Things aren't looking good."_

_"Hm, really." Anna sounded like she expected the Ainu's confession. "Hope things get better, then." She shrugged and started her way to her car, clearly uninterested._

_"Anna, wait." But Horohoro's voice made her stop and turn to him again._

_"What?"_

_"Uh... do you have time right now?"_

_"Depends. Why?"_

_"Can we talk?"_

_"About what?"_

_"...Ren." Even after a pause to prepare, Horohoro's voice still hesitated. Even though Anna knew Ren and was friends with everyone in the band, she was someone who wasn't concerned with what went on among them. And the woman sighed as if to confirm that._

_"You can talk about him with Yoh." She stated bluntly but Horohoro shook his head._

_"No, I wanna talk with you." Anna gave him a cold stare, apparently displeased with Horohoro's demanding tone. The bluenette realized this, and usually he'd shrink back and shift to a more yielding stance. But this time, the determination in his eyes didn't even flinch. That obviously took Anna by surprise and a dumbfounded look crossed her face for a short second. Then it seemed she had taken some interest as her face went back to its firm features, and she didn't walk away like she would have been expected to. Seeing that he was perhaps given a chance, Horohoro sent Anna a pleading gaze that made her sigh and walk up to him again._

_"Fine." She said curtly and pointed to a cafe across the street. "We'll go in there. And you're paying." Horohoro immediately agreed to the deal and the two went in. The bluenette got himself a coffee while Anna helped herself to the most expensive sandwich, dessert, and a beverage. She didn't have lunch yet and she was getting it for free anyway. And once they got comfortable at their seats, Anna kept her side of the deal by getting right to the point._

_"So, what is it about Ren you wanna talk about?" She didn't need to ask why since she already knew how Horohoro felt about Ren. She wondered if it was even such a secret by now._

_"I don't really know. What can you tell me?"_

_"Not much. It's not like I'm best friends with him. I've only really known him in high school and a little after we graduated."_

_"Ok, so can you at least tell me what he was like in high school?"_

_"I guess. But like I said, there isn't much I can say. The thing is, I never cared much for Ren. At least not like Yoh did."_

_"Just tell me what you know. What you saw in Ren." Anna raised a brow, noticing the way Horohoro practically grimaced when she mentioned Yoh's name._

_"Seriously, why can't it be Yoh anyway? He can probably tell you more about Ren than I can. Why does it have to be me?" Horohoro's face clouded over, seeming to have difficulties with Anna's logic. The woman stared at him oddly, having trouble herself with understanding why the Ainu was so fixed on not speaking with Yoh. But she waited patiently, knowing that no good will come out of forcing anything out of the bluenette._

_"...You can be pretty objective, right?" Horohoro finally spoke up after a long pause and Anna nodded to his question._

_"I suppose. Why's that important?"_

_"Well... I don't know if Yoh is telling me things the way they are or the way he wants them to be. Maybe he'll tell me what I want to hear because that's just what he wants to believe too."_

_"Uh-huh... And what exactly did Yoh tell you to make you feel that way?"_

_"He said... that I changed Ren. That Ren needs me."_

_"Sounds like Yoh, alright." Anna said with a smirk and took a sip of her tea. Horohoro nodded uneasily, not finding it as amusing as the woman did. But the smirk only lasted for about a second and Anna eyed the Ainu sharply._

_"But that still doesn't explain why you'd come to me."_

_"Well, the only people I know who's known Ren as long as Yoh are you, Hao, and Manta. Ren's not really the type that talks about himself. So when I ran into you, I thought I'll take a shot because maybe you're the best choice."_

_"I see. I guess you have a point there." Anna sat back and folded her arms._

_"What I still don't get is, why are you so doubtful about what Yoh tells you?"_

_"It's just... it's hard to believe that Ren actually needs me because, me and Ren, we're always fighting."_

_"That's a good thing." Horohoro made a face like Anna had just told a very bad joke._

_"How the hell's that a good thing?"_

_"Wow, Ren really isn't kidding when he calls you stupid. Not that he has any room to talk." Horohoro scowls but Anna pays no mind. Instead she just sighs as if she has to give away an easy answer._

_"It means you guys are honest with each other."_

_"Maybe but... maybe we're too honest." Anna pauses as she takes another sip from her cup._

_"...He's out in the open with you." Horohoro's eyes widened slightly to Anna's profound insight. But then his face went downcast, seeming unsure again. He wanted to believe her, that much could be said. The woman rolled her eyes with another tiresome sigh._

_"Look, maybe you're right about Yoh wanting a lot for Ren because of their friendship. And maybe you feel pressured because of how much hope he's putting on you. But I don't think he's totally wrong either. Even I've seen change in Ren since he met you."_

_"Really? Like what?"_

_"Well, he's gotten more childish."_

_"And...that's a good thing?"_

_"Considering that this is a guy who might've not even had a childhood."_

_"Oh yeah... I forgot about that."_

_"So you know about the family he came from?"_

_"Yeah, Ren told me."_

_"He told you?" Anna's voice proved how unexpected the information was. But Horohoro looked at her oddly, apparently not seeing what the big deal was. And seeing that kind of reaction from him made Anna observed the Ainu with a thoughtful gaze._

_"Maybe there's been more change than I thought."_

_"What'd you mean?"_

_"Well, it's like you said, Ren's not the type of guy who'd go on blabbing about himself. But here he was, telling you about his family, which is like a big secret to him."_

_"What's he got to worry about, though? He's not part of it anymore." Anna sighed and shook her head, almost finding it unbelievable how simple-minded Horohoro was._

_"Maybe you don't think it's a big deal but look at the bigger picture. Do you think Ren could just go around telling everyone about the Tao clan? We're not just talking about a typical, normal family. Aside from their economic power, they have assassins that they personally trained. And for all we know, they might think they have no use for Ren now that he's not going to be the heir. But they still let him off the hook, despite his high profile. That might be just because he won't talk. And as far as I can tell, Ren needs to be like that clan doesn't even exist. Talking to the wrong person can raise who knows what kind of hell." Anna leaned back in her chair and let out an exasperated sigh. She didn't think she would have to explain all this to Horohoro. The bluenette on the other hand swallowed hard on everything she said, not realizing himself that there was so much to consider. When he heard it from Ren, he only thought about how much the Chinese had undergone and put up with before Oversoul. But at a more objective perspective, Ren was letting him in on something much bigger than that._

_"And think about it." Anna began again and Horohoro gave her his attention. "Whatever business this clan had running, Ren was next in line to be at the top. You're right that he got out before he did but don't forget that he used to be part of it before Oversoul."_

_"And that was in high school too?"_

_"That's right. And how do you think most people will react if they knew what he was a part of? So you could imagine how he was back then. I'm sure you've noticed, but Ren's never been good at connecting with people. Life's always been more of a disconnection for him. It was simply in his nature to shut everyone out."_

_"So it wasn't really his fault that he didn't have any friends, right?"_

_"I wouldn't say that necessarily. If you ask me, he could've still tried to make friends while keeping his family business a secret. Although I do think his family contributed to his state of mind."_

_"What kind of state was it in?"_

_"Well, back then, it's like he was socially inept. He looked down on people as inferior beings, even called them cockroaches. He didn't want friends, didn't think he even needed any. Didn't have to say it either since everyone felt it."_

_"And all that just because of his family?"_

_"I think mostly his father but yeah, those were some powerful people."_

_"But didn't anyone want to be his friend?"_

_"Maybe all the wrong people. Most people were afraid of him or just thought he was weird. The stupid girls thought he was just some sexy, mysterious guy who had a soft spot they can get down to like something they probably read in a book or saw in a movie." Anna rolled her eyes at such ignorance, not blaming Ren for rejecting those people._

_"Others tried to get close to him because they hear he's rich. Some guys picked fights with him because they didn't like his attitude. Whatever it was, people were half-hearted with all the wrong reasons, and it always backfired on them because Ren wasn't stupid like they were. It all just added on to their fear and bad impression on him, but I'm pretty sure Ren didn't even care. And that just about sums it up for high school. I don't know about his life before that but he probably hated it then." Although Anna was the one who said that, the woman idly drank her tea while Horohoro frowned sympathetically. All this probably didn't matter to her. She probably felt that she was nothing more than a simple bystander who witnessed the events with mutual, objective eyes. Then again, that's why Horohoro was reaching out to her in the first place._

_"You know," Anna began again and cocked her head to the side. "If it weren't for Yoh, Ren wouldn't have found anyone to trust in this world. Or anything worthwhile at that."_

_"Yeah? How'd he do it?" Horohoro scoffed and bitter envy touched the corner of his smirk. Like he was laughing at himself for asking because he knew it'd hurt to hear the answer. Anna knew where all that came from so she didn't bother to touch up on it. She also kept it to herself that he should be over that part of himself by now. He should have been over it a long time ago._

_"The thing is, the two never knew about each other for the longest time. And it was actually Ren who took an interest in Yoh first when they were taking the same kendo class. He saw that Yoh exceeded everyone else and challenged him to a match after school. I'm guessing he wanted to set the record straight that he was the best, and it's probably why he didn't expect himself to lose. He didn't take that well. And it pissed him off when Yoh invited him to eat lunch with us the next day. Ren probably thought Yoh pities him even though Yoh never meant it like that. And since then, Ren kept challenging Yoh to a match every day, and he'd lose each time. And every time, Yoh would invite him to lunch the next day. Yoh kept doing it even though it kept making Ren angry and added on to his hostility towards him._

_"To be honest, I think Ren hated Yoh at that time. Hated him for always beating him and then making these friendly invites as if to mock him, for making him feel inferior for the first time in his life. But I think he also hated Yoh for making him feel so tempted to accept his friendship. He always talked about wiping off that smile off Yoh's face and sometimes it seemed like that's all he really wanted to do when he challenged him to another kendo match. As if that smile was a real threat to him." Anna chuckled as she looked back on how hard Ren struggled with such unfamiliar warmth. But then her face was stern again and she went on._

_"But eventually, Ren was fed up with Yoh. Him and his unceasing mellow attitude. He got sick of it all and like he was saving some part of his dignity that was being threatened, he told Yoh to stay away from him and never ask him to lunch again. He should've known better than to think Yoh would listen."_

_"So... what happened?"_

_"He beat the crap out of Yoh."_

_"You mean they got in a fight?"_

_"It could've been a real fight if Yoh had fought back at all, but he didn't. It's like he was letting Ren throw all those punches. At some point though, Ren had Yoh down below him and it looked like he was about to give the last blow. But he didn't. It's not like he couldn't since Yoh didn't seem like he was going anywhere. But Ren just sat there on top of Yoh and froze with his fist help up ready. Then the teachers came and broke it off. Ren's been in fights before and he never hesitated to beating a person to a bloody pulp. So I later asked him why he didn't finish Yoh off... He said it was Yoh's eyes. The way he was staring up at Ren. He said it felt as though Yoh could see right through him." There was a pause and Anna let out a sigh._

_"You'd think that after all that, it'd be over between those two. That's probably what Ren thought. But the very next day, with all those bruises and bandages, Yoh asked him to lunch again. About a week later, Ren was joining us without Yoh asking." Horohoro nodded with a small smile, this time absent of its earlier envy._

_"I think Ren finally saw that Yoh wasn't like everyone else. No matter how much Ren pushed him away, Yoh stayed. Like he was proving that he thought Ren was worth it, as if it didn't matter that Ren couldn't see if Yoh was worth anything. And Yoh just made it seem so easy. But I think the fact is, it really was easy for Yoh. Because in the end, Yoh was just being Yoh." Anna shrugged like she couldn't find any other way to put it. She looked as though she was talking about something rare that she had witnessed. Horohoro could tell that she really respected Yoh in a way that she didn't respect anyone else. And it's impressive enough when someone gains respect from Anna._

_"I don't know what he saw in Ren to make him do all that. That's why I told you to talk to Yoh."_

_"It's ok, you helped a lot."_

_"I don't know what exactly I was helping you with. I don't need to tell you anything else, do I?"_

_"No, I don't think so." Horohoro shook his head, unable to think of anything else to ask Anna._

_"Well, this is all I can tell you anyway."_


	23. Chapter 18

Anna parked her car next to the house and headed for the door with her shopping bags. But she stopped abruptly when she saw someone was already standing at the door, just about to ring the doorbell. The visitor, who wore sunglasses, turned around when he heard Anna approach him and grinned widely.

 

"Hao, I thought people like you were supposed to be busy. Or did everyone get so sick of you that you got fired?"

 

"You always know how to make someone feel loved, don't you, Anna? I'm surprised you knew it was me with my new hair cut."

 

"What idiot would mistake you for someone else?" Hao laughed as Anna walked passed him and unlocked the door. The two walked in and Hao made himself comfortable on the couch as if he still lived in the house he moved out of years ago. He sometimes wondered if Anna would do the same but she was more attached to their grandparents than he was, so it's probably unlikely. He then pulled out a flask from his coat and took a couple of sips, making Anna eye him sharply.

 

"A little early, isn't it?" She asked pointedly but the model ignored her as he lie on the couch. He still had his sunglasses on so it looked like the brunette could have fallen asleep. But Anna stood next to him with crossed arms and watched him carefully, suspecting that he wasn't asleep at all. It was only a few sips but when Hao drank so early in the day and showed attitude like that, it meant he was upset about something. But it was hard to tell with those sunglasses covering his eyes, so she swiftly plucked them from his face. She couldn't see why he would need them in the house anyway... that was, until she saw what they were hiding.

 

"What happened to you?" She asked nonchalantly as she stared at Hao's swollen black eye. There was no sympathy in her voice, or even a trace of any real concern. From the disdained frown Hao wore on his marred face, Anna could tell that he was upset about one of two possibilities; it was either he lost in whatever he got into or there was something he didn't get away with and he merely got what he deserved. She didn't care about which it was, she wanted to hear it either way. It's not everyday she got to see someone leave such a visible mark on Hao's ego. It was almost like seeing a legend be turned upside down. And feeling her curious, expectant stare pressing him to answer her, Hao opened his eyes and looked up at her from where he lie. He expressed his irritation with slightly furrowed brows and a deepened frown.

 

"Yoh is what happened." The older Asakura muttered and Anna raised her brow. Hao sighed heavily and sat up, and Anna sat in a chair across from him. The shock was still present in her eyes and Hao scoffed sarcastically.

 

"Yeah, I know. Who would've thought our lazy, peaceful brother could hit so hard, right?"

 

"What'd you do?"

 

"All I did was pull a harmless little prank for some fun."

 

"One: your pranks are only fun to you. Two: a harmless little prank wouldn't make Yoh do that, let alone leave _you_ with the bruise." Hao made a face at Anna, knowing how right she was.

 

"But seriously, did he really have to hit so hard? And could he have chosen a better place? I'm gonna have to cancel my schedule for a while because of this. Not to mention I'll never hear the end of it from my manager."

 

"Well, knowing Yoh, you probably deserved worse." Hao scowled at Anna as she pulled out a bottle of nail polish from one of her shopping bags and began to paint her nails. Hao grabbed a magazine from the table and returned to lying on his back.

 

"I don't know how you could piss him off so much." Anna remarked as she carefully moved the brush over her nail.

 

"Apparently, it's about that manager of his. I made Yoh feel like he betrayed him." Hao said with a sulky frown.

 

"You mean Manta?" Anna knew Hao never liked Manta, though she never knew why. The older twin never approved of Yoh being friends with him, which is why he was very displeased when he heard from his younger brother why he was so angry with Hao's joke.

 

"Yeah, _him_. Yoh's not actually serious with that guy, is he?"

 

"I believe he has been for a while now."

 

"You gotta be kidding me. I don't know what Yoh sees in him."

 

"That's because you're not Yoh."

 

"You know," Hao sighed, deciding to start up a different subject. "They wasted all that time being hung up on Ren, but Yoh and Horohoro could've hooked up instead. That's kinda what I tried to show them when I pulled that joke. I don't know why they couldn't see it."

 

"Don't lie. You know exactly why they couldn't see it. I see it, you see it, and Yoh sees it too. We all see what's going on between those two morons and they're the only ones who are stupid enough to be so oblivious."

 

"Honestly, I don't care if they're caught up in their own mess. But Ren's being such a pissy bitch and dragging in anyone else that he can like he wants to fuck up everyone else too."

 

"He's just lashing out, taking out his frustration on himself and others. He hurts the people he cares about without even realizing that he's hurting himself too. And he's being so self-destructive because he doesn't know how to deal."

 

"Deal with what?"

 

"With himself, I guess."

 

"So you're basically saying Ren is driving himself crazy."

 

"No, Horo is definitely the one driving him crazy." Hao's face was at first blank but in mere seconds, what Anna said had sunk in.

 

"But Ren knows that he's the reason." The model intoned and nodded slowly, having caught on to what Anna meant.

 

"Mmhm. Ren can be really stupid sometimes but he's not /that/ stupid. He knows that he's the reason Horohoro left Oversoul and we all know he's not ok about it."

 

"So why don't he just take what he obviously wants? I know he has his pride getting in the way and all, but it's really starting to get old."

 

"He doesn't know if he wants Horohoro or not." Anna sighed like it was a story told too many times.

 

"Of course." Hao scoffed and rolled his eyes. There was a pause between the two as Anna finished manicuring one of her hands and held it out to dry.

 

"I ran into Horohoro today." She stated like she just remembered and Hao raised a curious brow.

 

"Did you, now? Something interesting happen?"

 

"Not much. He wanted to hear about Ren a lot and it just got me thinking."

 

"About what?"

 

"Well, even though I haven't seen Ren in a while, I have a feeling there's more than just pride getting in his way."

 

"Like fear? I've seen him a few times and I'm pretty sure that's what I'm sensing." Hao smiled coyly as Anna nodded and began painting the nails of her other hand. The thing is, the brunette has been well aware of this as much as Anna. And it wasn't much of a surprise either since they've seen something like this before.

 

"Do you remember how he was in high school?" Anna asked and Hao laughed.

 

"Yeah, and I remember Yoh really working his ass off for him."

 

"Maybe so but I don't think he minded. I think it was only possible because it was Yoh."

 

"What was possible? That Ren stopped being a bitchy loner and did something with his life instead of being Daddy's little puppet?"

 

"...Or that he changed."

 

"Same thing."

 

"Whatever." Anna rolled her eyes. "Anyway, Horohoro wanted to know what I saw in Ren."

 

"And what did you see?"

 

"I think... it's like he was trapped. In this dark world created around him until it became a vast, deep sea. And he just floated there, not even trying to fight the current that carried him. He probably didn't know how. And I'd say he was all the way at the bottom where it was darkest and coldest. Too far from the surface, from air... from light.

 

"And then Yoh jumped in. Just dived right into that cold, dark world and pulled Ren to the surface so he can breathe. But not even Yoh got him out. He only got him to get closer to the surface where it isn't as cold and dark. Ren never left that place. It's still there in him. There's still something holding him down and keeping him from letting go. Keeping him from..."

 

"Freedom." Hao finished Anna's sentence with a shrug and the woman nodded.

 

"But Yoh knows that there's nothing more that he can do. He's done the best he can."

 

"Mind if I change that picture a little?" Anna looked at Hao with a perplexed stare. The sly slither in his voice was gone, and the unwavering look in his eyes meant he had profound insight that rivaled Anna. He had come up from under and brought out the serene, self-composed side of him, putting all the cunning edge to the side. That was the only way Anna can accept anything he would say in sincerity. It almost made it impossible to believe he would pull any pranks, let alone the one that earned him a swollen black eye.

 

"What'd you mean?"

 

"You say Ren had some help from Yoh who changed him, but he's still stuck below the surface of a dark sea."

 

"Yeah, so?"

 

"So what if by changing Ren, he also changed the world around him?"

 

"Like how?" Anna shifted in her chair and leaned slightly forward. This isn't at all about how she felt sorry for Ren since she never did, but merely an observation she made ever since Yoh came in contact with Ren. Running into Horohoro and telling him about what happened reminded her about it all. And the fact is, she's frustrated that even though Yoh had gone through so much to help Ren, there was still some work left. It almost felt like Ren was putting him through more trouble, like he couldn't live up to Yoh's efforts. Anna acknowledges that Ren changed a great deal for himself but Hao knows that she means to say more in all this talk. What she means to say is, Ren didn't change enough.

 

"Well, you could imagine Ren is right under the surface, right? Now, imagine that picture turned ninety degrees, and instead of swimming or floating, Ren is standing. And the surface of the water is a clear wall, kinda like glass. It's true that Yoh did all he can but that's because the rest is up to Ren. It's not about someone going where Ren is like Yoh did or even about breaking that wall for him. Ren has to go passed that wall by breaking it himself."

 

"I know." Anna said with a sigh and rolled her eyes. She is well aware of what Hao was really saying through his perception. He wanted to make sure she sees what direction Ren's metamorphose was really going, how it had to go in order for the Chinese to reach freedom.

 

"I think that's why Yoh sees so much hope in Horohoro." Hao chuckled, glad to hear her regain that distinct tone of indifference that bordered depth. It was good to see that the woman wasn't letting something as petty as frustration interfere with her peculiar perception that he was so fond of.

 

"Because he thinks Horohoro can actually get Ren to break that wall?"

 

"Yeah, he sees potential in Horohoro. He's right there, holding out a hand. But no matter what Horohoro does, even if he's standing right in front of that wall, something is holding back Ren from taking that step. Maybe he can't get himself to trust it because he's not familiar with what's offered beyond it. But he is drawn to it. All Ren has to do is take that step."

 

"But how can he not be familiar with it? That's basically how it was with Yoh."

 

"But this isn't like Yoh. If it was, Ren wouldn't be so freaked out. This is something totally different. Something he doesn't recognize."

 

"So it's like I said, Ren's scared."

 

"I guess we can say that. But you know... I think what's really scaring Ren is that Horohoro brings out sides of him he never knew he had. He knows that Horohoro is changing him."

 

"Well you did say he's not that stupid. And change can be scary to some people."

 

"He even freaked out when he realized Yoh was changing him too."

 

"But there's a big difference in how he's freaking out to the awareness between then and now. Back in high school, he was totally aggressive, like he was bearing his teeth and getting ready to bite anyone who tried to touch him. But now it's like the only strategy of defense he has is running away and avoiding any kind of contact."

 

"Like he's trying to stay safe." Anna said and Hao nodded.

 

"Right... he thinks Horohoro poses a threat."

 

"Because Ren knows that he's changing him."

 

"But he can't get himself to push him away."

 

"Because he's already done it before."

 

"And saw what a mistake it was when Horohoro walked away." There was a short pause as Hao went into some thought when Anna said that.

 

"Do you think Ren really didn't think Horohoro would go?" He asked with an amused chuckle and Anna shrugged with her monotone expression.

 

"It's possible. Maybe he thought he'll stay no matter what because Yoh never went anywhere. That's another big difference between the two; Yoh stayed and Horohoro didn't. But I don't think Horohoro will walk out this time."

 

"But Ren doesn't know that."

 

"But he's hoping he won't. That's a start even though he doesn't realize that he needs that idiot."

 

"Does Horohoro know that?"

 

"If he did, he wouldn't have come to me for any help, would he?"

 

"Good point." Hao laughed, not to be cruel, but purely amused by the naivety obliviously displayed by both men. "Did you tell him?"

 

"Of course not. He can figure it out for himself." Anna stated dryly as she finished her nails and closed her manicure bottle. "People have to find their own answers. No one deserves anything if they don't earn it themselves."

 

Of all the questions he had, there was one that Ren wanted the answer to the most right now.

 

"What the hell am I doing?" The Chinese kept asking himself as he stared out the window and watched the scene move, feeling the plane carry him through the sky.


	24. Chapter 19

Ren didn't really know how to explain himself. By the time he knew what he was doing, he had already bought a ticket and was boarding his flight. He had moved out of pure impulse the moment he got out of bed after overhearing Yoh's conversation with Horohoro on the phone. Even realizing that the whole time he had been in Yoh's hotel room didn't stop him. He already had his wallet, which also had his card key, so he just quickly went back to his room and grabbed his passport. Chances are, everyone thinks he returned to his room and fell back to sleep. It was going to be a long flight and Ren wished that he could actually get some sleep.

 

_Don't leave again._

 

But he gave up on that thought, balling his hands into fists as Yoh's voice rang in his head.

 

_Looks like you're the only one who can stop him. You've always been the only one._

 

Those last words Yoh left behind before he left the room made the vocalist so nervous, it made him feel like the plane was hardly moving. He still had to get over the irrationality of what he's doing. He didn't even know what he's going to do when he gets to Horohoro. He didn't have any answers and yet he can't keep still. He had to do _something_.

 

Despite what he had thought, Ren did actually fall asleep after a few hours. The jet lag he hadn't been able to shake off, the lack of sleep that added on to it, and the stress that came from his current crisis seemed to have finally caught up to him. As he fell quiet, he also fell deep. He fell slowly to somewhere empty, dark, and numb. Somewhere among the ashes of foreign familiarity filled with cold nothing. Nothing but a wall.

 

He couldn't see anything through the dark but this wall even though it was clear as glass. But it wasn't really transparent. He only realized this when he first realized that there's someone on the other side. But he couldn't make out who because the figure was so blurred, only that it's probably a man. It was like looking through a thick wall of liquid, much like trying to see from below the surface of disturbed water. Ren somehow felt he was familiar with that.

 

The young Tao realized that the figure on the other side was pressing his hand against the wall. And though Ren didn't know why, he began to feel he was beckoned. He reached out, ever so hesitantly, and gently pressed his own hand at the same spot. Suddenly, the Chinese realized how cold it really was as his hand got so warm. And he finally saw why he was able to see this wall and the person on the other side in all this dark. There was a light radiating from this man. It wasn't a blinding glare but more like a gentle flame that couldn't hurt Ren because it was meant to do everything but. And the warmth. The warmth that came from his hand and his light... Ren closed his eyes, feeling himself unravel to it. But when he realized what he's doing, giving in to this light and its warmth, he also realized he didn't know where he was trying to go or what was actually happening. He realized he was about to take a free fall, plunging into this unfamiliar euphoria. The awareness of that was almost mortifying, making him snap his eyes open again and jerk a step back. Some distrusting, dark part of himself told him he couldn't go. That this place, this dark, cold place he is in now was where he must stay because it was all he knew and where it was safe... and all he deserved. Ren believed that part of himself at the last moment before he crossed the border and he was suddenly cold again, now that he let go of what he almost grasped. He stared at the man on the other side with widened eyes, feeling him trying to assure Ren that it was ok, but the Chinese couldn't get himself to move and believe him. He couldn't get himself to trust whatever it was he was about to be taken to. Perhaps it seemed too good to be true. The part of himself that held him back told him that where he is and what he has is all he needs. Ren believed that and regretted it when whoever on the other side pulled his own hand away. Panic choked back Ren's voice as the man began to fade and the Chinese didn't know if the man was leaving or if he himself was being engulfed by the darkness he chose to stay back at. Whichever it was, whether it be both, the man was going, leaving Ren.

 

_Again... Not again..._

 

Ren opened his mouth to scream but his voice was muted and distorted to bubbles underwater. Black claws reached out from behind him and tangled around him, pulling him in and away from the choice he failed to make. They claimed his life once again to remind him that this is what he has. Ren chose it with the price of watching what he actually wanted, but was too scared to take, go forever. But as Ren watched that man go farther out of reach, he told himself that he didn't want this and that he didn't care if he may drown.

 

"No, don't go! WAIT!"

 

Ren drew in a sharp breath as his amber eyes shot open and beads of cold sweat rolled down the sides of his face. He looked around nervously, and saw he was back in the plane again. There was an announcement, informing all passengers that they had landed.

 

Ren felt there's no turning back now that he's come this far. Once he was out of the airport, he picked up a cab and headed for the only place there was to go. At first, there were no problems, but after a while, it started to rain. It didn't bother Ren even if the rain kept coming down harder, but then the traffic started to get really slow until the cars were only moving a few feet at a time. At this point, Ren's patience was hitting every one of his nerves and he bit back the complaints he wanted to throw out at his taxi driver. What made it worse were the windows. The pounding drops sent flowing currents down the glass, which was fogged up by the low temperature, making it virtually impossible to get a clear view outside. The only place to get a look outside was from the front window that had the wipers, but even there the rain only allowed a view barely half decent. But not being able to get a good look outside was beside the point. It was what it made Ren think about that made him so on edge. It reminded the Chinese of the wall he saw in his dream on the plane. It felt like that wall was all around him. And like he was claustrophobic, it made him so nervous he had a hard time with breathing evenly. All he could think about was what had happened in his dream. He felt like it was going to happen again. Whatever that was out there, he's about to let it slip away while those claws came for him again. All because he couldn't get himself to take a risk. Because he didn't do anything.

 

As if set off by a switch, Ren opened the door. The driver turned back with awestruck eyes when he saw the Chinese try to step out into the rain. Then he began to demand for the owed money. The vocalist told him to keep the change when he left a hundred dollar bill, then stepped out and ran for it. The rain was worse than it looked from inside. Cold bullets pounded mercilessly on Ren's small frames and the man had hard time seeing past it all as he dashed through the streets. But he kept running anyway, so he can at least try to do what he maybe should've done years ago.

 

_Don't go. Please._

 

Horohoro grabbed his jacket and umbrella as Yoh's voice crossed his mind. There was something about his voice at the time. It was touched by some sort of forlorn fabrication. It sounded like the brunette had given up, and didn't even believe that his own plea would do anything. A plea laced by an encoded despair brought from his hopeless inability to change anything. It hurt Horohoro to know he made his friend feel that way. Which made it all the more necessary to respond to him and that plea.

 

_"Don't go. Please." At first, Horohoro didn't know how to react to such sadness. He could tell that the brunette must hate himself for being so helpless. And Horohoro hated himself for making him feel like that._

_"Yoh, I'm not leaving."_

_"Really? You mean that?" Yoh was still sounding anxious and Horohoro smiled guiltily._

_"Yeah, I mean it. I'm sorry if I somehow scared you." The bluenette frowned, wishing he could apologize to his friend in person._

_"No, no, don't apologize. It's just, with all the stuff going on lately…"_

_"I know. But I've been doing a lot of thinking since the party. And remember when I told you I wanna have something with Ren like you do? All that trust and meaning something to each other?"_

_"Yeah, I remember."_

_"Well, lately I wondered... How can I expect him to really believe all that in me? I mean, from a guy who says he's gonna run just because things aren't going his way." Horohoro made a sigh that sounded like it was directed at himself and his stupidity that he couldn't notice sooner._

_"I realized that I was wrong all this time. How I felt about you and how jealous I got shouldn't have mattered. I shouldn't care about that because I care about Ren. So I'm staying. At least that way he'll know I'll always be there for him. I just... wanna be with him. Even if it means settling for just being friends." Horohoro went quiet for a short moment and Yoh didn't say anything yet. He sensed that there was still something more that his friend wanted to say._

_"But to be honest... I kinda wish it were Ren who called me, telling me not to go. I'm not saying you're not good enough."_

_"I get it. I'd never be able to stop you, right?" Horohoro was glad that Yoh understood._

_"Hey... I know I just said something like that shouldn't be important but... there's still a part of me that still wants him to think of me first when he needs someone. So it'll probably drive me crazy if he goes to you instead. I'm gonna try to not let it get to me though."_

_"But it doesn't really have to be like that." Horohoro couldn't say anything to that for a while. He appreciated the comforting words but they didn't really comfort him. It was just hard for him to believe it._

_"...I guess what I just wanna say is that I'll stay even if that's how it has to be. I think it'll suck that me and Ren won't be what I want us to be. But now I'm pretty sure it'll suck even more if I left because of that."_

_"...Ok, have it your way." Yoh wasn't sounding upset. What he said meant that he trusts Horohoro, and he wasn't intervening anymore. Both men hung up._

 

Horohoro wished that he could be more optimistic. Although he did say he will try to make the best out of everything, he knew it wasn't going to be easy. It was going to hurt. And as the bluenette walked out of the elevator and headed for the door, he wondered how much more or less it was going to hurt compared to everything he had already experienced.

 

The weather seemed to be getting worse by the minute. It feels like the rain has gotten so bad as becoming a cold curtain waving around him. Maybe it would be easier to handle if the Chinese had an umbrella to shield him but the idea never even occurred to him. This was even with all the people sending him odd stares as he sprinted past them and their umbrellas. His mind just told him to run and that impelling force drove him forward, carrying him to some inevitable destination faster than he had ever been carried. All Ren could do was try to keep up. And when the vocalist turned that last corner, his heart felt as if it lurched forward and clawed at his ribcage, trying to slip through the cracks. Among all the people and the thick blur all the rain created in his eyes, he finally caught clear sight of something. Across the street he could see just one man, walking out of the building he lived in. Ren could see him as clear as knowing he was doing this for no one else. But then he made a turn and Ren's golden eyes widened as he watched him walk away unknowingly without even noticing the vocalist. It felt as though the inevitable was really beating him to it and unable to accept that, Ren forced his feet to run harder even though his lungs felt like they would collapse. He didn't care that the heavens were fighting against him with their relentless rain and he didn't care about the people who almost made him stumble to the ground because everyone was getting in his way. All that mattered was he couldn't stop. He couldn't let him go again.

 

Horohoro didn't go far down the sidewalk before there was a strong tug on his coat from behind. He turned around and blinked several times in pure disbelief at the man who clutched on his coat as if hanging on dear life.

 

"Ren? What're you doing here? Yoh told me you guys wouldn't be back until next week." There was only so much breath a person can lose before he just had to stop and catch some more. The vocalist's shoulders rose and fell as he stared at Horohoro in silence, still not having let go of the coat. There he was, the one man he couldn't push away, the one man he couldn't let go of. The core of his pain, his fear, his confusion, his insanity. His addiction. The man who can make him toss everything to the side and make him run in a blinding storm, and still let it make sense. The longer Ren stared at him, the more he came to realize who was at the other side of that wall.

 

"It was you... It's you." The younger man murmured in sheer awe.

 

"What?" Horohoro was totally at a loss to what was going on and what Ren was doing standing in front of him. Regardless, the smaller man shoved the bluenette with a face twisted by too many emotions he didn't know how to handle.

 

"Don't you dare do this to me again! Don't you dare!"

 

"Whoa, Ren—" Horohoro stumbled back and took Ren's fists into his hands to stop him from knocking them on his chest.

 

"Stay! Stay with me!" Ren yanked his hands out of Horohoro's hold with a shocked look. Apparently, he didn't mean to say that last part, as much as he felt it, because he didn't know if it was the right thing to say. He bit down on his lip and took in frustrated breaths to fight the untamed emotions he could feel welling in his eyes.

 

"I mean... I don't know, just... Don't go away again. Just stay." His voice cracks as he desperately tries to keep himself together, though he was unsure of how long that will last.

 

"Is that what you want me to say? Or what do you want me to say, Horo? Tell me now, because I'll say it. I'll say it a hundred thousand times. Just don't leave again!"

 

"Ren, calm down. I don't even know what you're talking about."

 

"Yoh told me... I didn't understand, I still don't get it... But if I can... I don't know how but... if I can... I can try but...

I don't know how..."

 

"Ren, calm down." Horohoro repeated and placed his hands on Ren's shoulders. The vocalist shuts his mouth and realizes how fast his heart was beating.

 

"What did Yoh tell you?"

 

"That I'm the only one... who can stop you." Ren spoke his words in a shaken breath, and Horohoro made that dumb surprised look. The smaller man swallowed hard but it didn't take away the lump that kept him from asking what Yoh might've meant when he said that. He was worried that Yoh was wrong and it showed in his golden eyes. But Horohoro smiled into those beautiful irises.

 

"Ren... I'm not going anywhere." Ren didn't say anything but his eyes showed that he was somewhere between scared and hopeful. Seeing that he had finally calmed down, Horohoro took off his coat and draped it over the vocalist's shoulders.

 

"Let's go inside, ok?" Horohoro said and Ren nodded as he followed the Ainu into the building.

 

The two were quiet for a while as they stood in the elevator. Horohoro didn't know exactly what to say and Ren seemed worn out. The Ainu glanced at the younger male from the corner of his eye, wondering what was on his mind. It was hard to tell anything, since he just stood there with an unblinking vacant gaze.

 

"So... what'd I do?"

 

"What?" Ren looked at Horohoro who brought up the question he didn't understand.

 

"You said don't do... this to you again. What'd I do?" The vocalist didn't answer and averted his gaze to the side.

 

"Ren, if I did something wrong, I wanna apologize. But I can't do that if I don't know what I did." Horohoro's voice was patient, and he remained that way as silence stretched for a while.

 

"Before I met you, Horokeu, I've never been afraid." Ren suddenly spoke up quietly, and the bluenette didn't overlook that this was one of those rare moments he used his real name.

 

"Even when I was still with my family. I wasn't afraid of blood, pain, the dark... even death. I wasn't even afraid of becoming heir. I didn't want to be a disappointment but I wasn't afraid... because being afraid means acknowledging even the slightest possibility that what your fear could happen.

 

"I wasn't afraid even when I left. Because I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go. And I knew I wasn't alone. It hurt to leave, in more than one way. But I wasn't afraid. Even when you left, fear still failed to strike me. Because first, I didn't believe you'd actually do it. And when you really did, I wasn't afraid…because it already happened." Ren swallowed hard and Horohoro could see his eyes change to a more sad, painful hue.

 

"But when I saw you at the hospital... Found out what could happen... God, I was so scared." Ren breathed out, his voice burning with dread of a loss he knew he couldn't bear. Just looking back at that hospital bed and Horohoro lying in it made him shiver.

 

"You taught me fear, Horo." Horohoro didn't know how to take that. Despite such words, however, he knew there was no bitterness in the voice that spoke them.

 

"And for that reason... even if you may be ok... don't you ever leave me again." Horohoro's eyes slightly widened but immediately softened when he saw how shy Ren looked with that order.

 

"Hey," The bluenette took Ren's hand. "I already told you, I'm not going anywhere. You always got me. I promised because I meant it." It was evident on Ren's face that the Chinese did remember the promise the bluenette made. It was real.

 

Luckily for the two, no one else came into the elevator so they reached Horohoro's floor safely. The bluenette unlocked the door and was about to open it but Ren wouldn't move. He wouldn't—no, he couldn't go in. It's strange, really. Just a few minutes ago, he confessed so much about fear. But right now, he couldn't admit that he was afraid again. The last time they went through this door, they came out falling apart. It's where they learned just how messed up they were. So how does he know that this time won't be the same? Or worse... what if they come out broken?

 

"Ren, come on. It's ok." Ren looked up at Horohoro who smiled at him with such a gentle gaze. Somehow, this man made it so easy to believe him. They went in and Horohoro sat Ren down on the couch. He turned around to leave the room but stopped when he felt a tug on his sleeve. He turned and Ren was clutching on the hem again, like he did earlier outside. Without saying anything, he gave a pull and made Horohoro move back over to him.

 

"Ren, it's ok. I'm just getting you something warm to wear." Horohoro assured tenderly and he took Ren's hand so the Chinese would let go. The warm touch of the Ainu made Ren realize just how cold he really was and that he was trembling. But he didn't care about that or the fact that the older male wasn't actually going away. This time he took hold of that warm hand. It was more important to keep the bluenette right there with him. He didn't want him to go anywhere he couldn't see him because it felt like he would vanish and be gone forever. Like he would be left behind... again.

 

"Ren, you need to change or you might catch a cold." Horohoro pressed and tried to go again. But as if Ren didn't hear him, he wouldn't let go and instead tightened his grip.

 

"Horohoro, I know what I did. What I did to you... I'm sorry. But..." He wanted to tell him not to go. Horohoro could tell and he stared at Ren who bowed his head and bit down on his lip and his plea. Ren himself couldn't believe how desperate he was either. Everything he's doing now would have been unacceptable by him a few years back. But it's like he was forgetting that.

 

"But Ren, you're freezing." Horohoro tried again, though he knew it didn't matter to the Chinese anymore. Something was pushing the younger man over the edge and worried eyes stared at him, trying to find what it was. He hung on like he's about to lose something as if it was everything.

 

"What made you think I'm gonna leave again?" The older man decided getting Ren to change can wait and sat down next to the Chinese. Seeming relieved by that, Ren's grip on his hand loosened.

 

"I overheard Yoh talking with you on the phone. I don't think I heard everything, just somewhere from the middle. And I heard him tell you not to leave. And that I was the only one who can stop you."

 

"Ok, first, he told me not to leave because he thought I will. But then I told him I'm not. You probably misunderstood because you never heard that part. And Yoh probably said you're the only one who can stop me because I told him you're the reason I'm not leaving."

 

"So... you're not done with me?"

 

"No, of course not. Not ever."

 

"Then what did you mean by done?" Ren snapped sharply and Horohoro makes a dumbfounded look.

 

"What?"

 

"That night at the party. What did you mean when you said you were done?"

 

"Oh... No, Ren, I didn't mean..." Horohoro sighs and runs a hand through his azure locks. The night in question was vivid to him as it was to Ren, and the bluenette sees that the vocalist's confusion was very much his fault. He made a short pause to sort himself out.

 

"That didn't mean anything." He couldn't think of a better way to put it. "I was just... upset and it just came out. I wasn't thinking."

 

"So... you're not really done?"

 

"Come on, Ren, look at me." Horohoro laughed and spread out his arms like it was so obvious. But the uncertain look in Ren's amber eyes said it wasn't so clear to him and he needed the Ainu to tell him. Horohoro dropped his arms with a sigh and shook his head.

 

"No, I'm not done with you. I don't think I ever will be. I mean, if I was, don't you think I would be gone already? But I'm still here." But Ren's uncertain gaze dropped to the floor.

 

"But you were once, weren't you?" The Chinese asked like he was scared to know. Horohoro looks at him more earnestly and shakes his head.

 

"Actually, no. Turns out I never was. Probably never will be."

 

"Then why'd you leave?" Ren exclaims almost in a scream, his voice holding so much hurt. Horohoro frowned, shameful of what he is guilty of. One of his hands stroked the vocalist's soft cheek.

 

"Because I was really stupid." He murmured and Ren closed his eyes as he leaned in a little to the gentle touch.

 

"Horo, don't ever go away again. Stay with me." Ren finally voiced what would free him and a solemn tear skid down a fair cheek.

 

"I promise." Horohoro whispered and caught the tear with his thumb. Ren opened his eyes again, nothing holding him back now.

 

"Horo... I'm... I'm sorry."

 

"Ssshh... It's ok—" Horohoro coaxed and his fingertips slid over Ren's cheek to his sad lips. But the vocalist lowered that hand to say what he knew he had to say.

 

"No, it's not. Just let me do this." Horohoro then understood that this was important to Ren, and it didn't matter if the Ainu thought it was necessary or not. He nodded and let the Chinese go on.

 

"I took you for granted." The young man began, speaking carefully for something he wasn't used to, wanting so badly to get everything right. "You didn't do anything to me and I just... It was wrong of me. I pretended like I didn't know any better and I let it keep hurting you. I could've done things differently but I did all the wrong things, everything was wrong. And I'm sorry." Horohoro smiled when Ren was finished, and didn't say anything at first.

 

"...I'm sorry too." He apologized as well, realizing this wasn't at all one-sided, and took Ren's hand. "I shouldn't have just walked out on you like that. I should've at least tried to get things right between us. But instead I left you alone to get hurt, like I had to put all the blame on you. I'm sorry." Horohoro reached his hand behind Ren's head and pulled him over to let their foreheads touch. As he smiled fondly, he closed his eyes.

 

"Can I please get you something warm to wear now?" He whined in a whisper and opened his eyes for Ren's reply. The Chinese smiled and didn't say anything. But he tilted his head and pressed his lips against the Ainu's own. It was everything but expected and Horohoro wasn't fast enough to respond to it even when Ren pulled away. But that didn't last when Ren gazed at him with yearning eyes. He didn't say anything but he didn't have to. And from there it was hard to tell if he pulled Horohoro down with him on the couch or if the Ainu went down on him. Both probably happened at the same time.

 

It was real. Ren could've sworn it was. That's why he didn’t want to move when he woke up. He wasn't even on the couch. He was in a bed... The same empty bed from last time. Woken to the same silence. Faced by the same stillness. But the tension that attacked him was far greater than it was then. He sat up as it sent strong tremors from his heart through his whole body. He bit down on his lip and held himself to stop the shaking, but it wouldn't go away just like the dread that made his heart scream.

 

It had to be real. They took their time, savoring each other and what that meant. Like they were given a last chance to something they never thought they'd be able to catch up to. It was a moment gentle and true, a moment they only existed in because it belonged only to them. Because they knew that for the first time, they made love.

 

Or was Ren the only one who thought it happened? Was he the only one who felt it? Wasn't it... real?

 

Before any more questions could stack up, there was a clatter from outside the door. Ren turned to it, part nervous and part relieved. A strange mix but it was better than feeling only nervous. Ren stepped off the bed with a blanket around him since it was a bit cool and he was only his boxer shorts. He couldn't find his clothes anywhere. He opened the door and first stuck his head out for a peek, then stepped out from the room for a better look. He didn't see anyone as he walked slowly into the living room. But the lights were on. That had to be a good sign.

 

"Hey." Ren turned to where he heard the voice and let out a quiet breath when he saw Horohoro standing in the kitchen across the counter. He took a seat on the other side and gave a small hey himself. Horohoro grinned widely, making the Chinese flush to see the bluenette seem so happy to see him. Then the Ainu noticed Ren only had a blanket around himself and he rushed to his room. About a minute later, he brought with him a pair of sweat pants and a shirt, and handed them to the vocalist.

 

"I know my stuff are kinda big for you but I just got your clothes in the washer."

 

"Thanks." Ren said and began to get clothed. Horohoro went back to the kitchen and poured something hot into a mug. Ren sat back down and the bluenette placed the mug in front of him.

 

"Here's some tea. You like your mornings with tea, right? I haven't cooked any breakfast yet, thought I should wait to see what you wanted first." Ren's only response was a nod and he took a sip from his mug. He was obviously shy about the whole situation and his tinted cheeks made Horohoro glow with a goofy smile. The bluenette walked around the counter and moved behind Ren. His arms circled the vocalist's petite shoulders and pulled him close to his chest.

 

"I guess that's what I should've done last time."

 

"Or you could've left a note." Ren rolled his eyes and Horohoro chuckled, then sat in the chair next to him.

 

"So does everyone else know you're here?"

 

"I'll call them later." Ren said coolly as if it wasn't a big deal, making Horohoro smile ear to ear.

 

"You know Manta's probably having a panic attack right now."

 

"Yeah, I'll probably never hear the end of it when I get back over there." Ren chuckled but Horohoro's smile lost a bit of its zeal.

 

"Think you'll have to go back?"

 

"More than likely." Ren shrugged and looked at Horohoro, seeming almost as grim. He sensed the disappointment that he himself was feeling as well. "It can't be helped, Horo. They probably thought up excuses for what I missed but I can still make it for anything else."

 

"I know, it's just..." Horohoro sighed and his eyes shifted away from Ren, frowning as if it was wrong to say anything more.

 

"It's just what?" Horohoro looked at Ren again and the Chinese didn't like the worried look in his eyes.

 

"I'm happy for us, I really am. But you know it's gonna be hard to see each other, you being busy with the band and all. I'm gonna miss you a lot."

 

"What're you talking about?" Ren sent an odd stare at Horohoro along with his question. But Horohoro looked as though he's saying something in perfect logic. It's not that Horohoro didn't want to be back in the band. But after the way he left it, he didn't think he had any right to even ask to be taken back. Seeing that there was one more thing to set straight, the shorter male crossed his arms and eyed his newfound lover sternly.

 

"I don't know what you were planning, but there's gonna be some arrangements once Oversoul gets back next week." There was a short pause before Horohoro grabbed Ren into a kiss, and the Chinese pulled him in by the collar of his shirt. Ren then moved them to the couch, and pushed Horohoro down on his back. As the vocalist crawled over him, the bluenette looked straight into those golden pools that he knew he was lost in forever. His lips then broke into that wolfish smile that Ren loved so much and pulled him in closer.

 

"You're not giving me a choice, are you?" Horohoro asked as Ren moved in closer.

 

"And don't you forget it." And Ren also made a grin, coy and rare and not at all for public release.


	25. Chapter 20 (Aftermath)

Horohoro smiled with adoration in his eyes that watched Ren sleeping soundly as he lie next to him. Ironically, he was still trying to take all this in, that this was really happening. Ren made it all happen.

 

Ren was right about Manta's reaction when he called. The manager went hysterical the second he heard the vocalist on the phone. Ren let him go on and on with his complaints and everything else he wanted to say since it was only fair. What the Chinese did was totally out of line. But he managed to make Manta forget about it all when he returned to his band with the news that he planned to let Horohoro back in. And it was decided that the Ainu will make a surprise appearance at the first performance they make after they got home, which was this very night. They announced that Horohoro was back, and were to make official announcements in magazines and on television tomorrow.

 

The show was an incredible success. The band made sure their plan with Horohoro's appearance wasn't leaked anywhere or to anyone, so no one had any way to even suspect it. The news would hit so suddenly, even the media would need time to catch up to them, at least a day. That way, Oversoul can buy time of their own to prepare for them. So after the show, Manta held a meeting to discuss how they will handle everything when they make the announcement, and then sent everyone home to rest. But Horohoro and Ren decided they weren't quite ready to sleep yet, so here they were.

 

Ren wouldn't say why he made the decision or what happened but no one was complaining. And Horohoro most certainly wasn't. But he had to ask himself...

 

_How? Just how did it get this good?_

 

It wasn't about the sex (incredible as it is). He wondered why the vocalist chose him. As far as Horohoro knew, Ren could probably have anyone in the world. He could probably have everyone, even if he didn't really want it. _So why me?_ , thought Horohoro. _Why'd you choose me?_ The question was actually keeping him awake. He didn't want to go to sleep. He's afraid that if he does, he'll wake up to find that Ren isn't really there laying next to him. That it'd turn out that this was all just a perfect dream. That's how good this was to the bluenette. It felt too good to be true.

 

"Horo, it's rude to stare." Ren suddenly muttered and startled Horohoro a bit.

 

"You were awake?"

 

"I _was_ asleep but then I felt you staring." Ren kept talking with his eyes closed as if to say he wasn't going to stay awake for long. Horohoro smiled and kissed Ren's bare shoulder, then his forehead. The vocalist made no reaction but his cheeks grew slightly warmer and there was a heartbeat that he hoped the Ainu hadn't heard. There was still going to be a lot to get used to.

 

"Ren, do you love me?" Horohoro whispered out of the blue and made the smaller man open his eyes and raise a brow.

 

"What?" Was all Ren could manage but Horohoro stared back at him in silence. There was a kind of anxiousness that the vocalist can feel through the silence and the solemn stare. He immediately realizes, the drummer is not in his usual carefree mood.

 

"...Yes, Horo, I...love you." It's not that Ren didn't mean it. He just wasn't used to saying it. But he said it because that's what Horohoro seemed to need. And of course, because it was true.

 

"Really?" Ren sighs and nods.

 

"I literally traveled halfway around the world for you, didn't I?" He pointed out and Horohoro laughed a little. But the Chinese could see that the insecurity was still lingering in his eyes.

 

"Will you be here when I wake up?" Horohoro's fingers played with Ren's hair as he asked wistfully.

 

"That only depends on if you're willing to get up on time. There's a lot to do tomorrow and we're starting early." Ren says with a teasing smirk in an attempt to make Horohoro feel better. But he is startled when the bluenette pulled him into a tight embrace and buried his face into the vocalist's shoulder. He is definitely not in that mood and Ren sighs again.

 

"Yes, Horo, I'll be here. Now go to sleep, it's late." But Horohoro didn't say anything and he still wouldn't let go. It was really worrying Ren now.

 

"Horohoro, what's wrong?"

 

"Nothing." Came Horohoro's muffled reply and Ren frowned. The Chinese pulled away, just enough to still be in his lover's arms. He then moves Horohoro's face and holds it still in his hands so they were looking at each other in the eyes.

 

"You're lying." He says bluntly and his brows furrow a little. "Why're you acting so weird?"

 

"...Nothing's wrong." Horohoro whispered and smiled. Ren frowned a bit, unsure if he should believe him or not. Although he was acting strange a moment ago, he was now smiling contently with so much adoration. The bluenette pulled the younger man back in and Ren closed his eyes, deciding he will trust him. But then, he reopened his eyes and froze. Horohoro looked down at Ren to kiss him. But he found the Chinese staring at one of his scars, the one across his chest. It was healed now, and hardly noticeable unless one came to a close perimeter as Ren did. And Ren stared at it in guilty pain. Horohoro could guess why.

 

"Ren," The vocalist looked up, still wearing his painful frown. "You didn't do this to me. Those guys who attacked me did." Ren's frown didn't go away and Horohoro kissed him on the head. He looked down at his scar and traced a finger over it.

 

"When it happened...When I realized what was happening...I wanted to die. I really did. There were too many of them, they held me down and I couldn't do anything. I wanted help but no one could hear me and all I could hear was their laughing. I just wanted it to be over and I...I wanted to die. I even started to wish they'd kill me." Ren closed his eyes, feeling crushed by Horohoro's confession. This was the first time the bluenette talked about his attack. And for the first time since he left his family, Ren wished he was still in the Tao clan. He'd use his power as heir and whatever else he can to make sure those bastards paid. It wouldn’t matter that they were already arrested; prison wouldn’t even protect them.

 

"I blacked out after a while so I don't know when it was over. It was just dark and all I could hear was their laughing. I think at some point, that's when I was in a coma. All around, it was just...nothing but their laughing. I was just alone and I didn't know where to go, I just wanted to get away from them." But Ren didn't have that power anymore, or any that he can think of that would be of any use. He didn't even know what to say. The only thing he could do for Horohoro was listen.

 

"But then I heard something else. I didn't know what it was at first but I followed it. I figured it had to be better than just being surrounded by their voices. And the closer I got to it, the more I realized...it was you. It was your voice. And the closer I got to you, or I thought I got to you, the farther away their voices got. But I thought there's no way you'd be anywhere near me so I was convinced I was dreaming. Then I thought to myself, I'm dying. I thought, I must be dreaming about you because I'm dying. You sounded kinda angry and I already thought you had every right to be. I thought I was dreaming about you because of everything I regret." Ren knew it was no dream. Horohoro was talking about that morning the Chinese was at the hospital and ranting at the unconscious Ainu. He didn't think his voice had reached him but apparently, he was wrong.

 

"...I was kinda ready to die. Even if I heard you, I knew you weren't really there. But then, you suddenly sounded different. You told me to say something. And then, you sounded like you were crying. I thought, no way you'd be crying about me. But then...you told me not to go." Ren didn't say anything, both shy and shocked at how much had actually reached Horohoro.

 

"After hearing that, I didn't want to die anymore. I didn't care that what I heard was a dream or that you might not even be there. I just wanted to see you. So I kept going in that direction I heard your voice. Eventually, I didn't hear them laughing anymore. And after a while, I couldn't hear you either. But I kept going. I kept going because I wanted to see you, even if you might not be there... So when I did see you, sitting there next to me when I woke up..." The arms around Ren tightened their embrace.

 

"Thanks for saving me, Ren."

 

"I-I didn't do anything." Ren stammered with a flushed face. Horohoro laughed, finally seeming to have come to ease. He gave another kiss to the top of Ren's head.

 

"G'night, Ren. I love you." He murmured and closed his eyes, as so did Ren.

 

"I love you, too." He murmured without a single trace of hesitation in his voice this time.

 

There was something else Ren wanted to say but he wasn't like Horohoro who can just speak what he feels so easily. Maybe one day he'll learn to show himself more freely. He couldn't say it now but maybe one day, he'll be able to tell Horohoro.

 

_I saved you? No, idiot, it's the other way around._

 

One day, he'll thank Horohoro too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those of you who read this to the end, thank you so much! I hope you enjoyed! Feedback is always appreciated (as long as they are not hateful/malicious flames)


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